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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL always tries to make out I’m doing it wrong?!

40 replies

NameChange564738 · 31/08/2020 11:49

I don’t know if I should be miffed, I am but I don’t know what others would do?!

When we visit MIL with new DC (just under 3m old) she’s obsessed with saying he’s tired and walks him around everywhere, rocking and shushing.. trying to get him to sleep almost all the time. I look at him and I know he’s not tired one bit, but she thinks she knows best so I just let her carry on.

At one point yest DC was actually showing signs of tiredness so we put him in chair in full recline with dummy, because she said that would be best, ten minutes later she was still talking to him and entertaining him.. even whipped out the toys and started waving them in his face. I tried to put the dummy in to smooth him and distract but she said ‘No he looks fine without it. He’s not tired’ WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL. It’s as if she does the opposite of what I am thinking at every opportunity. Last week she said he must have a blanket to go to sleep, even if it’s just a Muslin because who wants to sleep without a blanket. Then I was trying to put a blanket on DC to sleep and she said no he doesn’t need one, it’s warm enough. He doesn’t always need a blanket.

I feel like I’m loosing my mind.

Now I’ve written it down I realise I need to take charge a bit more but I suppose she’s actually qualified in all this so I mostly go along but it’s increasingly wrong. Why is she always getting DC to sleep?!

OP posts:
Grilledaubergines · 31/08/2020 11:53

Just because she’s done it before with her own child/ren doesn’t mean her word is final. Take control of it now or it’ll go on and on forever.

Dededa · 31/08/2020 11:57

You know your baby best. End of.

GinDrinker00 · 31/08/2020 11:58

Just tell her straight. “No Karen I’m his mother. I know what he needs, stop being a inferring busy body.” Maybe not quite as harsh as that if you still want a relationship with her. Grin

Lisa78Lemon · 31/08/2020 12:02

Similar issues over here with my 9mo! I do think MIL's constant comments come from a good place but as a FTM I take everything as a criticism. She likes to feel included and like she is helping so advises me on his clothes, feeding, sleeping etc. It grinds my gears no end. I generally smile and nod and then do what I was going to do anyway.
Her favourite thing is to tell me 'he's hungry' when he chews on his thumb even though this is his tired cue (he makes it really obvious) and we've told her this so many times .
She also likes to pick him up and tell me he feels lighter so must need feeding. What the actual fuck!
At the end of the day though, I want them to have a good relationship and I think family is really important. Plus I'm sure we'll need her for babysitting duties in the future ;)

Oysterbabe · 31/08/2020 12:12

When you have a new baby any kind of comments can feel like a criticism. My Dd used to cry a lot and I remember sneaking off and shedding a few tears when SIL said I should cut out dairy.
Smile, nod, ignore.

EggHead268 · 31/08/2020 12:15

Ugh my DM is like this with feeding DS2. Constantly sticking her (mingin) fingers in his mouth and saying ooo I think someone is hungry. It's as if she actually doesn't know that all babies have a sucking reflex?! She used to do it with DS1 aswell. Drives me mad. I just say no he's not he's just had a bottle before we came out, and please don't put your fingers in his mouth when I can see she's about to do it. She gets a bit huffy about it but he's my baby at the end of the day and I know best.

Nanny0gg · 31/08/2020 12:16

@GinDrinker00

Just tell her straight. “No Karen I’m his mother. I know what he needs, stop being a inferring busy body.” Maybe not quite as harsh as that if you still want a relationship with her. Grin
ODFO with the 'Karen' remarks.
ambereeree · 31/08/2020 12:20

@GinDrinker00 why is she a Karen?
Grandmothers do this OP...its annoying but harmless. I think grandparents get too excited when babies come along.
Ignore it.

Polnm · 31/08/2020 12:27

@GinDrinker00

Just tell her straight. “No Karen I’m his mother. I know what he needs, stop being a inferring busy body.” Maybe not quite as harsh as that if you still want a relationship with her. Grin
Why not just call her bitchface, it is as offensive as Karen
nancybotwinbloom · 31/08/2020 12:29

[quote ambereeree]@GinDrinker00 why is she a Karen?
Grandmothers do this OP...its annoying but harmless. I think grandparents get too excited when babies come along.
Ignore it.[/quote]
Grandmothers do do this. My mother included when my dd was born.

It depends on your relationship with her to understand whether it comes from a place of love or a place or trying to undermine you.

I just used to stand firm if I thought I was right and say no DD is fine doing whatever we were doing this way and repeat.

Easier with my own mum as we are so close and we could laugh about it every time and also I was willing to bend a lot of the time because I wanted her to feel important and that I was learning from her (which I was) and She never tried to undermine me.

Not so easy with my Ex MIL as we didn't have that close relationship and she wasn't arsed about my DD to offer any opinion anyway really.

Quackersandcheese3 · 31/08/2020 12:32

My mil is like this. It’s annoying but I just let her get on with her attempts and the kid usually cries so then I take over. Thanks for trying mil but I’ll take over now.

FinallyHere · 31/08/2020 12:37

Smile, nod, ignore.

this ^ wot @Oysterbabe said.

Backtoschoolnotsoonenough · 31/08/2020 12:40

Invest in a sling. Say its part of your dc's new routine..
My mil used to stand pushing the pram the entirety of ds's nap. Told her straight she needed to stop doing that as how would I have time?

blanchmange50 · 31/08/2020 12:41

What do you mean 'she is qualified'? Just because she has been a mother doesnt mean she was any good at it....I have no doubt when she had her own DC she wouldnt have wanted an interfering MIL giving unnecessary tips. If your baby is not tired you say so and take your DC off her. Time for your to grow a spine -

dayswithaY · 31/08/2020 12:41

Don't ignore it, put her straight right now or it will just get worse. It's her way of saying that she's the only mother here with all her wisdom and you must defer to her as you know nothing, it's a classic power play.

MsAwesomeDragon · 31/08/2020 12:54

My mil used to do this to sil and her kids. I think she might have done it once with me and I may possibly have glared at her with my teacher look. Funnily enough, she never tried to tell me what dd wanted/needed again. She STILL tells sil what to do with her boys and there are now 12 and 13.

Couchbettato · 31/08/2020 12:57

I'd be telling her to get the fuck out.

Then when she says she knows better, give her the stern voice you would with a toddler and say "I'm not asking, I'm telling."

Howallergic · 31/08/2020 13:07

Everyone has an opinion on a baby I discovered. It drove me to distraction. She's too hot, she's cold, she's hungry, she's tired, on and on and on it went. It ended up I was hearing the critical voices of everyone in my head even when I was on my own and I didn't know which end of me was up. Ended up with PND. I wish people would keep their fucking beaks out when it comes to other peoples' children. Interfering bints.

Howallergic · 31/08/2020 13:09

Please God, it's one thing that if my dd ever has a child, I'll consciously make an effort NOT to do.

Yankathebear · 31/08/2020 13:48

What qualifications does she have?

ShirleyPhallus · 31/08/2020 13:51

Where is your husband in all of this? Mine told his mother to back out after we’d had one too many “is she cold? Is she hot? Does she have a jacket? Where is her hat?” Comments

Agree, I wish people would just keep their beaks out and fuck off unless opinions are asked for

Topseyt · 31/08/2020 13:56

There are no "qualifications" for parenting. Parental instinct plays a very large part.

Tell her to back off and stop contradicting everything you say or do. This is your baby, not hers.

Sparticuscaticus · 31/08/2020 14:01

"MIL. could you just stop please? I know you are trying to help but it isn't right now. (Apply as appropriate)
*Ive put him down because he's tired so let's be quiet as mice, leave him be and put toys away, he won't sleep when you wave that in his face
*He's not hungry, he's just been fed

  • He's not tired, he wants to play as he's already had his nap
  • I'll ask you when I need advice Thankyou"

In many ways as a FTM you have to gently be dominant without burning bridges, as you spend most time with baby & will be able to guesstimate what he needs far better. You'll also make a rod for your own back if you let her boss you around and feel like she "knows best" . But you'll want that close GParent relationship

Mine are still growing but I'm no longer 'the baby whisperer' as you forget quickly enough- I'm now the teen whisperer- your MIL will be 20-30 years out of baby practice now . Parents can usually read them instinctively

ThousandsAreSailing · 31/08/2020 14:04

FFS with the Karen. Do you think it means you are down with the kidsHmm pathetic
You are quite right OP. Take control

badg3r · 31/08/2020 14:04

I would correct her politely if appropriate, eg "he's not tired" "actually he is, he always does XXX when he needs a nap"

And rest in the knowledge that soon enough he will be able to communicate to her himself if she does something he doesn't like and she will be asking for your advice!