MIL always tries to make out I’m doing it wrong?!

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I don’t know if I should be miffed, I am but I don’t know what others would do?!

When we visit MIL with new DC (just under 3m old) she’s obsessed with saying he’s tired and walks him around everywhere, rocking and shushing.. trying to get him to sleep almost all the time. I look at him and I know he’s not tired one bit, but she thinks she knows best so I just let her carry on.

At one point yest DC was actually showing signs of tiredness so we put him in chair in full recline with dummy, because she said that would be best, ten minutes later she was still talking to him and entertaining him.. even whipped out the toys and started waving them in his face. I tried to put the dummy in to smooth him and distract but she said ‘No he looks fine without it. He’s not tired’ WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL. It’s as if she does the opposite of what I am thinking at every opportunity. Last week she said he must have a blanket to go to sleep, even if it’s just a Muslin because who wants to sleep without a blanket. Then I was trying to put a blanket on DC to sleep and she said no he doesn’t need one, it’s warm enough. He doesn’t always need a blanket.

I feel like I’m loosing my mind.

Now I’ve written it down I realise I need to take charge a bit more but I suppose she’s actually qualified in all this so I mostly go along but it’s increasingly wrong. Why is she always getting DC to sleep?!

Boundaries and soon otherwise you’ll end up on a slippery slope! When she’s trying to get him to sleep say he’s not tired and take him back and if he is tired say he’s tired please stop distracting him from falling asleep.
My mil used to make comments about DD not being tired when I’d take her for naps and then 5 minutes later she’d be asleep. In the end I said in a half jokey way “you always say she’s not tired but every time she falls asleep!” and she got the message. For other things my DH will have a blunt word with her and tell her to back off.

Something else is going on here though and this has been used on me by two people.

This is more than Mil offering help, because she's making suggestions then going agaisnt her own suggestions!

I've had this and it's controlling.

Put the blanket on...

OK
.

No, take the blanket off he's too hot!

This is not just Mil giving sweet but wrong advice.

Boundaries!

I have a feeling my mother will behave like this when DD is born, and I plan to come down on it like a ton of bricks. She will flounce and cry but I don't care.

If you want her for babysitting in the future then grin, bear it (or preferably leave them to it and enjoy a nice cuppa and biscuit in peace in the other room!). I speak as the parent of a toddler - it's much better to have a doting grandmother than one who doesn't lift a finger to help!!
If you won't ever need her help in the future then you could be strict with her but just be aware her feelings might get hurt and it might be hard to repair the rift in the future.

It gets better, I did ignore mine and she kind of realised that baby is thriving and I haven’t had him taken off me so I must be doing ok.
When it got dangerous I annoyingly referred to guidelines (up to date not the 30 year old one she went from) and advised would you in a fragile situation like to be looked after a nurse who trained 30 years ago, never worked since but is now your main carer?
I couldn’t count how many times like you say when baby was actually tired and she was thrusting a toy in his face and trying to get a smile when he was tiny 🙄.
However only 10 months in she is now pleased at how well he is doing and funnily enough how well he is without her recommendations.
Best of luck, MIL I’m sure are sent to try us, it’s how we deal with it makes the difference

I completely feel you on this. It's almost harder when it comes from a well meaning place as is the case with my MIL as it makes me feel awful for feeling so irritable about it but it still really does my head in! She is a lovely but very bossy/expert know it all type personality and has a habit of almost constantly making suggestions that are either dated or irrelevant and is not a very good active listener so often repeats advice about something I've already explained won't work or apply because of XYZ bur she just doesn't remember! There are lots of petty but small little things like constantly feeding him food when I've told her he's eaten, isn't allowed it, and that I like him to have set snack times and then she'll go from the "mummy says no" angle which I find quite undermining. She's also extremely risk averse and gets ridiculously panicky about him doing things he's more than old enough to do himself (IMO she babied my older niece a bit so think her expectations are a bit off) and so I feel I am constantly having to police his every move when I'm round there when I wouldn't at home! It's infuriating maddening undermining...all of those things. And I'm not sure I've got very good advice because I haven't managed to find an effective way of coping with it yet but just a hand hold to say I'm with you! Best thing I do is allow myself to make the odd excuse for not going over on days I'm feeling less resilient, smile and nod most times, selective listening others, and asking my partner to back me up more when we're there which helps!

she thinks she knows best so I just let her carry on
well you're making a rod for your own back then arent you?

I’ve been trying to convince myself it’s from a good place for a few weeks but the last week has been something else. I think it’s partly like @Spiderseason said maybe controlling or undermining me? To what benefit though?

Mil is kind and thoughtful in all other aspects. Thanks for sharing your experiences too.. I need to be firmer for baby’s sake as much as mine!

I used to think MIL was doing this with my eldest. I did take everything personally. With my youngest, I literally plonked him down in someone's lap and let them get on with it while I sat down and had a cup of tea in peace in another room. You can either get involved in the tit for tat, or let MIL look after them while you have five minutes peace.

If she is kind and thoughtful in all other things, maybe she suggests something, then worries that you have gone along with it for her, but it might be wrong, so says the opposite, so you have to make the final decision.
Whatever it is, you need to mother and decide for your baby, not her, and need to find a way of being in charge without upsetting your MIL if you want a happy family.

Speak up politely but firmly.

How often are you visiting her? It sounds like you're going too often? Once a week

• once a week for a couple of hours is plenty

She doesn’t know best, as she can’t see (or chooses not to see) when he wants to sleep and when he wants to interact. Be polite but firm when needed.

My now exmil was the same, ds had a mild egg allergy, we had been advised to avoid eggs until he was over 12 months old, i caught exmil trying to feed him quiche at 7 months old. She had been told so many times, but then again this was the woman who didn't believe in Autism, according to her it was just a stage ds was going through, never mind I had given her a copy of his assessment which stated his problems & diagnosis.

In my experience you need to be firm. “He’s tired, he needs to sleep.” And don’t hand him over. Or if she’s holding him and interfering already take him back. Doesn’t have to be done rudely or in an aggressive way but you’re his mother and you know him better than she does.

I really wish I’d done all that first time round with my daughter when my now ex mother in-law made me feel like a useless mum. I was much more confident second time round just takes time to gain that confidence sometimes.