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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want your opinion on where the line is between initiating and pressuring/pestering...

34 replies

LittleRed53 · 31/08/2020 09:43

Whenever unequal sex drives are discussed on MN, there are always many posters who say pestering for sex is a big turn off/unacceptable etc and that pressuring is borderline abusive. However, I'm not clear on where the line is.

I have lower drive than my DH. He is always the one to initiate. It frequently happens that he makes it obvious he's in the mood, so I have to say that I'm not or he won't get it and give up. Usually he's very understanding, though occasionally it can end in an argument. I know that my own feelings of guilt at disappointing him, and stress about unwanted touch, add to me feeling pressured easily, and that's not his fault. Equally, there are times when he does push my boundaries (and I've clearly communicated them to him) as a way to try to persuade me, and he's never seemed to really get it through his head that this has the opposite effect!

I really struggle with this problem in our relationship, and I am truly trying to consider his feelings as well as my own. I don't think anyone should have to have sex when they don't want to (and I speak as someone who gets genuinely distressed by being in that situation), but I also feel for the people who have the higher drive and want to be able to communicate it when they're in the mood, without being seen as pressuring or pestering.

So where do you draw the line? At what point does it become unacceptable to you?

OP posts:

Original poster

LittleRed53 · 31/08/2020 09:44

Sorry, I meant to disable the voting!

OP posts:

SmellsLikeFeet · 31/08/2020 09:46

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

araiwa · 31/08/2020 09:47

The man is on the wrong side of the line whatever the either way on mn

Either he needs medical help or hes abusive

MNX42 · 31/08/2020 09:52

Well it becomes unacceptable when there are negative consequences for the person asserting their decision to not have sex. If you make it clear you are not interested that should be the end of it. Sure, the other partner will be disappointed but sulking, arguing, groping, pestering, coercing etc are unacceptable responses. Sex should be a mutually satisfying and loving act, not something one person does to the other because they feel horny. Have a wank if you need to but don't expect another human to be the wank vessel.

Original poster

LittleRed53 · 31/08/2020 09:55

SmellsLikeFeet No... Not sure why you ask?

OP posts:

Keepithidden · 31/08/2020 09:58

"Is there a difference in how a low drive person responds to communication about sex? "I guess is the question.

Certainly in my experience as high drive and DW as low to zero drive, any form of talking about it is interpreted as "pressure". It is therefore my responsibility to deal with it myself as an ongoing issue i.e. my problem not a relationship problem.

Original poster

LittleRed53 · 31/08/2020 10:00

MNX42 I agree with you. But what about situations where one partner has already said/displayed that they're exhausted, stressed, depressed or some other state that makes it pretty obvious they won't be in the mood for sex. If the other partner tries to initiate, are they selfishly ignoring the signals their OH are giving out, or is it okay to try as long as the other person hasn't explicitly said no yet? (genuinely interested in opinions on this)

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Hopoindown31 · 31/08/2020 10:03

Entirely depends on the specifics of the situation as to where reasonable lines of behaviour are to be drawn.

If he is repeatedly and regularly violating your boundaries and they are reasonable ones (such as no random groping, etc.) then this is an issue with his behaviour in the relationship.

However, if it is going a long time between sexual intimacy and/or you are refusing to have another other forms of intimacy then it is probably something you need to look at working on yourself.

Either way, communication is important here and if you can't communicate well, perhaps you need some support as a couple to develop the tools to do that.

nosswith · 31/08/2020 10:04

No is a complete sentence. That should be enough.

Original poster

LittleRed53 · 31/08/2020 10:05

Keepithidden Thanks for responding. I appreciate hearing an opinion from the other side of this issue. I don't avoid talking about it with my DH, but there is definitely a line that is hard to find between him pressuring me, and me just feeling pressured. I think sometimes he does pressure me (though not really intentionally) but other times I am just getting stressed and defensive when he's only asking.

OP posts:

Keepithidden · 31/08/2020 10:05

If they've made it clear through means other than an explicit "no", then that should be clear enough that they don't want sex in my opinion. Most people are clued up enough to understand this.

Hopoindown31 · 31/08/2020 10:06

@LittleRed53

What I've found is that for higher drive people (like my DP) sex is something that improves the situation if they are stressed/had a bad day. Their view is very different on this so simply communicating that you have had a bad/tiring day isn't going to clearly tell them that sex is off the table. You need be straightforward but kind in your rejection. Also look at those stressors in your life, is there anything that can be done to improve or remove them as they are creating problems in your relationship.

Keepithidden · 31/08/2020 10:08

but there is definitely a line that is hard to find between him pressuring me, and me just feeling pressured.

Is it even possible to separate these two out? I don't know, but if you're feeling pressured, either by him or yourself then it needs working on I think.

Branleuse · 31/08/2020 10:12

I think there is no hard and fast rules to this as everyones relationship is different, but its horrible to be pestered or pressurised into sex that you dont want, but its also really horrible to be constantly rejected if you want intimacy with your partner. Both things can be really damaging to a relationship and to a persons self esteem.

Requinblanc · 31/08/2020 10:16

Why are you still together?...

If you are totally incompatible sexually this is not going to end well.

Of course you should not feel pressured and guilty but equally I can see the other side point of view. If I was constantly rejected I would start feeling awful about myself and I must say I would end the relationship.

It might not be a case of who is wrong or who is right but simply a wider problem and a case of two people who just are not compatible...

Original poster

LittleRed53 · 31/08/2020 10:28

Hopoindown31 and Keepithidden thank you both for your reasoned responses, there's food for thought.. My issues with sex in our relationship are quite complex and varied (too much to explain here). We've had calm conversations about it and DH does seem to understand, though I still feel that sometimes, out of his own frustration, he'll just push things in a way that he probably knows isn't helpful.

We have a balance, I think, where I do make sure we have other forms of affection or intimacy quite often, and he is mostly very patient as it isn't enough for him. So in general I think we do meet in the middle.

I know he's frustrated by having to wait so much for actual sex, but I also get frustrated at having to say no, sorry, so often. It definitely feels like he views me as the one with the problem (ie 'normal' people have sex more often). though I've explained it to him, I don't think he really understands/accepts his ownership in the years-long process by which we've got to this point.

Definitely true that he wants sex more when he's stressed or sad, while I really dislike any form of sexual contact in those situations. Though I have told him that before.

OP posts:

Original poster

LittleRed53 · 31/08/2020 10:32

Just to add, it's not that we never have sex. We were managing about once a week until about halfway through my last pregnancy, when health issues made it basically impossible for me. So at this point we've only had sex once since the baby's birth, I am optimistic that we can get better again, I'm just battling exhaustion with a newborn and DH is obviously upset that it's been such a big gap last time, and things aren't normal again yet...

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DiscontinuedModelHusband · 31/08/2020 10:37

i sympathise somewhat with your husband - we have a similar dynamic in our house.

a couple of years ago, i decided to just never initiate, and let DW initiate if/when she wants. it means we now only have sex once or twice every couple of months.

we have a lot of other affection in our relationship - cuddles, pecks, sitting tangled up on the sofa, spooning in bed etc

recently DW was upset because she is always the one that instigates.

but it's so difficult as there is no consistency about when she'll be in the mood - no specific time of month, or day. sometimes she responds to a lot of other affection during the day, other times not.

i wonder if this is similar in your relationship?

my only suggestion would be, if you feel in the mood, if possible act on it - i'm fairly certain he'd respond!

by doing this over a period, maybe you'll both start to understand when you'll be most receptive, and he'll learn when is best to try his luck (and when to leave you alone)!

Gatehouse77 · 31/08/2020 10:52

As others have said it's a difficult one as I suspect it's not a static line that you cross because there are, potentially, so many variables contributing.

DH and I haven't had compatible sex drives for quite a while now but we do still communicate about it. He will initiate more often than not but if I ever say that I'm not feeling it he backs off and goes solo (or not!). When the children were younger there was some resentment from him that it was him making the first move which came up during some counselling we had. We redressed the balance for a while but then other things happened and sex was low on the list of things to sort.

As ever, it's the communication that has been key to our relationship. Not bottling things up, listening to each other and not making assumptions, finding time to talk when we're both ready to hear it and accepting that you can't change someone's feelings because you disagree with them!

MynephewR · 31/08/2020 11:00

Agree with what another pp said that some people want sex when feeling down/stressed etc. For me, the only time that sex is off the cards if I'm really unwell, heavily on my period or so exhausted I can barely keep my eyes open. If I was stressed or feeling down I would still be up for sex, it would relax me and make me feel happier. So I think it's not always obvious that a partner won't be up for sex.

I wouldn't ever really expect DH to just "know" I'm not in the mood for sex. For us, if one of us is in the mood then they initiate, doesn't matter whether the last time we had sex was a week ago or 3 hours ago. If the other says "no, sorry, not in the mood" then that's the end of it. We just have a kiss and cuddle instead, no pressure. But in a relationship where mismatched sex drives is an issue I can understand that this might not work so well.

Maybe tell him to just wait for to initiate when you are in the mood, but then don't just never initiate otherwise you will still have the same problem. Does he help out enough with the kids and the housework drudgery? If he leaves it all to you then of course you are always going to be stressed and exhausted. Sounds like you need a bit of time for yourself.

Original poster

LittleRed53 · 31/08/2020 11:07

DiscontinuedModelHusband GateHouse77 Wow, thank you for such helpful comments. I will think about these points. I do almost always act on it when I feel at all in the mood (just unfortunately rare for now!) unless I'm really and truly too exhausted.

Though we've communicated about it a lot in the past, it may be we need to have another conversation, given that things have been different again since the baby's birth.

OP posts:

Darkestseasonofall · 31/08/2020 11:10

This is really hard. I go through periods of not wanting sex at all, and get cross when DP even suggests it. Other times I'm horny as hell the whole time.
I guess the problem is if the higher sex drive partner never instigates it may never happen. Without communicating etc they may just decide one day that they don't want to be in a sexless relationship and they want to leave, it'll be really hard to get back from that.
I have no solution, but sympathies.

BabyLlamaZen · 31/08/2020 11:16

@LittleRed53

In this case I hoped my partner would know not to ask. However he is particularly sensitive and good that way.

I think it's something to talk about. Maybe he doesn't know that some of those times when you give in your don't really want to?

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 31/08/2020 11:21

DH does seem to understand, though I still feel that sometimes, out of his own frustration, he'll just push things in a way that he probably knows isn't helpful

So he knows where the line is, but he chooses to overstep it anyway.

You’ve just had a baby for Christ’s sake, and he’s putting the pressure on to have sex again.

He needs to learn to read the room, and if he can’t tell pretty early on whether he’s in with a chance, he shouldn’t be in a relationship.

It’s perfectly obvious from both mine and my DP’s behaviour throughout the rest of the day whether we’re likely to have sex. It doesn’t need to be a question or a request, it’s just somewhere that we arrive together because our affection for each other had led there. With a tricky pregnancy or new baby in the mix I’d say the default would be no, unless you make it obvious that you’re up for it, and the onus is on him to treat you in such a way that your love and affection for him comes out in that way.

Hopoindown31 · 31/08/2020 11:25

One thing to recognise is that bids for affection like initiating sex come with emotional risk and if rejection occurs regularly it is natural for the person making the bids to stop to protected themselves from emotional pain. This can lead to detachment and the eventual end of the relationship.

That said, men do need to be educated better to understand that sex around pregnancy and birth is likely going to take a significant downturn and they must have patience and pitch in with childcare duties. There seem to be a lot of men who seem surprised that their partners are not ready to jump back into sex shortly after giving birth.

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