To want your opinion on where the line is between initiating and pressuring/pestering...

[LittleRed53]

Whenever unequal sex drives are discussed on MN, there are always many posters who say pestering for sex is a big turn off/unacceptable etc and that pressuring is borderline abusive. However, I'm not clear on where the line is.

I have lower drive than my DH. He is always the one to initiate. It frequently happens that he makes it obvious he's in the mood, so I have to say that I'm not or he won't get it and give up. Usually he's very understanding, though occasionally it can end in an argument. I know that my own feelings of guilt at disappointing him, and stress about unwanted touch, add to me feeling pressured easily, and that's not his fault. Equally, there are times when he does push my boundaries (and I've clearly communicated them to him) as a way to try to persuade me, and he's never seemed to really get it through his head that this has the opposite effect!

I really struggle with this problem in our relationship, and I am truly trying to consider his feelings as well as my own. I don't think anyone should have to have sex when they don't want to (and I speak as someone who gets genuinely distressed by being in that situation), but I also feel for the people who have the higher drive and want to be able to communicate it when they're in the mood, without being seen as pressuring or pestering.

So where do you draw the line? At what point does it become unacceptable to you?

MynephewR Thanks for your experience. Yes we do tend to have a kiss/cuddle even when sex is off the table. DH works FT while I am basically a SAHM (but run a very small business by myself from home, more for my enjoyment than because it brings much money). So I do the lion's share of the childcare and housework, but DH does help when he's at home, especially with the kids, and without having to be nagged. We both have chronic fatigue plus a newborn, so realistically we're just very tired all the time! And I do recognise that I feel 'touched out' after a long day with the kids, plus EBF baby... Not DH's fault and he does recognise my feelings.

I guess there's just no quick solution, we both just have to keep being supportive of each other and forgiving each other for the moments of conflict... I'm sure it will help when the baby starts sleeping better and we can at least get a decent night's rest again.

MarkRuffaloCrumble Love the name Yeah I must admit I wish DH would 'read the room' a bit more. And unfortunately he does tend to fall into that trap of being too quick to interpret the smallest thing from me as 'let's have sex!' which then leads to conflict and disappointment. Also unfortunately leads to me being more guarded because of not wanting to give false hope, which in turn means even less physical affection between us... We have addressed that downward spiral before and made progress from both sides but it still becomes an issue from time to time.

From the other side of the perspective.. no one should feel they have to remain in a relationship where sex is 'off the table' to a degree where it makes them unhappy.

Would you be fine with your partner leaving because of this ? It happens .. very very often. My own first marriage ended because of this. I just didn't fancy it . At all. He did. After two years he had had enough. Which I completely understand. The consequence was divorce.

There is no right or wrong answer. It just depends on what the 'rejected' partner will put up with.

If I was constantly rejected I would start feeling awful about myself and I must say I would end the relationship.

Not really as simple as that is it. If you have young children, a mortgage, shared family and friends etc. you are going to look like a total scumbag ending the relationship over such an issue. That’s not me judging either but a (female) friend of mine had this experience about a decade ago and most people “blamed” her and sided with the husband even if they didn’t say it out loud.

disorganizedsecretsquirrel I do hear you on that, having said that, where is the reasonable line? As most people would say if someone gets a divorce because their spouse wouldn't have sex with them every day, that's unreasonable. But to someone with a very high sex drive, once a week can feel unacceptable.

To what extent is it up to the higher libido partner to accept less than they want? As in my own situation, sex is not 'off the table'. Just due to different circumstances it's been a long wait recently, but usually we can meet in the middle and I hope to get back to that. So I would think my DH would be absolutely unreasonable to end the marriage over it citing 'sexless marriage' when this is most likely a temporary extra dry spell due to a new baby, but still not entirely sexless, even if right now it feels miserable for him.

(Not that I need to worry about that anyway, as DH has said he wouldn't leave even if things were much worse for much longer. We've been through so much already that this issue will not break us, when we're both committed to doing our best for the other)

To what extent is it up to the higher libido partner to accept less than they want?

I don't think there is a blanket rule that can be applied. As PPs have said each relationship is different. Some wouldn't out up with a few weeks without, others will go years. It is also likely to change over time, as child based responsibilities dwindle, as health care elemtns arise etc. Each case will be different unfortunately.

Plus there's also the fact that one partner's "sexless" is different not another's. When I first posted on Mumsnet years ago there was an argument when I described my marriage as sexless. Technically it wasn't as once or twice a year isn't sexless! So even the semantics aren't always easy to navigate...

Plus there's also the fact that one partner's "sexless" is different not another's.

This is true. If you search online it's commonly cited as sexless being "fewer than 10 times a year" .. but if you've not indulged in years, the idea of being in the same boat as someone having sex nine times a year is laughable.

I know a couple who schedule sex for a Saturday morning. That way they both know the score. This might seem a bit mechanical, but it works for them. I also know a couple where she puts a scarf over the bedside lamp if she is up for it and that is his cue to make a move.

We have similar sex drives but because of trauma (mine) he won't initiate. It drives me mad because I'm terrified of rejection or him feeling like I'm pushing myself on him even though he never says no.

I think it's really hard. I don't like other forms of intimacy such as cuddles or kissing (which he will initiate) and in some ways it feels insulting/upsetting he'll initiate something I could happily live without but won't initiate something I enjoy.

Ultimately communication is going to be key.