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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

No contact yes or no

51 replies

Dazed2020 · 31/08/2020 08:24

My boyfriend broke up two days ago with me after almost a year. The break up wasn’t wanted by either of us but he chose that option because of other huge commitments on his life that were making it impossible to see me enough. There are changes that could be made and compromises but he hasn’t put these into place. He’s asked to be friends and keep in touch, says he loved me and wants a future and hinted he may be apologising in the future and begging me to try again. I’ve no idea what to do. I can’t be his friend, I love this man so much and being downgraded is killing me. I miss him so much already and know that if we had a friendship only, I’d be constantly getting my hopes up every time we spoke.

Does non contact work?

OP posts:

Positivitylieswithin · 31/08/2020 08:27

I would move on, a relationship is about support even when faced with difficult times, this speaks volumes about where his priorities are

Can imagine it's very difficult but know your worth

dancingpenguins · 31/08/2020 08:28

Anything but a clean break will get messy and you will end up getting hurt even more. Sounds like he wants to keep you hanging in the wings while he enjoys some freedom. You deserve better than that. Value yourself don't let him keep you dangling hoping for a reprieve. So sorry op, break ups are hard.

nancybotwinbloom · 31/08/2020 08:33

I think no contact will go two ways.

It will completely end and you will get used to this quicker and heal quicker. Win win.

He may think he's made a mistake and want to try again.

Or you will stay in contact, hoping he will change his mind, analysing every call, text and interaction. This will mess your head up and it will take you longer to get over him and you won't move on.

I went no contact and then the Fucker got back in touch after a few months and I got back with him. Worst move I ever made.

We broke up again for the same reasons.

You will get over him.

AnxMummy10 · 31/08/2020 08:33

Do what is best for you op. It seems like keeping in contact will cause more pain for you so I think no contact is best for you.
A bit cruel of him to want to still be friends with you knowing you have strong feelings and didnt want this.

WhyIsItSoHardToPickAUsername · 31/08/2020 08:34

Have you posted about this before?

WhyIsItSoHardToPickAUsername · 31/08/2020 08:34

Just a couple of days ago?

Suzi888 · 31/08/2020 08:37

He’s keeping you to the side basically.... Just in case.
I’d cut contact.

AppleKatie · 31/08/2020 08:40

I agree with whoever said ‘value yourself’. No contact to protect yourself.

FippertyGibbett · 31/08/2020 08:40

No contact and walk away.
He wants to keep in touch for when he wants to use you for a shag.

Original poster

Dazed2020 · 31/08/2020 08:41

No, I’m new to mumsnet. If it was up to me we would be back together which is why I worry about what to do. If I refuse friendship, will I be forgotten or will it show him what he is throwing away? I have no doubt he cares and he thinks this option is the best for me as he can’t give me what is needed.

OP posts:

HouchinBawbags · 31/08/2020 08:41

Clean break.

As someone upthread said, a proper couple use each other for support during hard times, not drop their loved one while they're dealing with stuff. If anyone dumped me but wanted me hanging around waiting in the wings then I'm afraid I'd be off.

I believe it should be the same with friendships too. Many people on here tell people to accept being dumped or treated like dirt by friends because the friend "could be going through stuff you don't know about". A real friend would tell you or share their burden and a real friend would help back. Boyfriends/girl friends should be like that too.

Wanttolearnmore · 31/08/2020 08:41

I think you need a clean break otherwise you will be wondering every time you hear from him whether he wants you back. The fact that he could have made changes and stayed with you but chose not to is very telling - that he wasn't willing to make the effort.
I think it will be easier to accept this and move on if you have no contact with him - him hinting that he could apologise and want you back is just cruel - why finish it then? I'm so sorry you're in so much pain OP.

HouchinBawbags · 31/08/2020 08:43

OP trust me, you do not want a relationship where one half is willing to push the other away at certain points. You'd end up one of those couples who regularly separate when things get tough.
In a good relationship, things shouldn't even get tough!
Do you want a relationship with a revolving door policy?

Original poster

Dazed2020 · 31/08/2020 08:44

It feels as if the friendship aspect allows him to absolve himself of any guilt for the way he’s treated me and allows him to continue to get my support in his life from an emotional viewpoint. And he knows I’m there if he decides he will try to make the changes needed.

I’m finding it so hard. I can’t focus on anything, no matter how hard I try my thoughts constantly go back to him. I feel panicked and then emotionless in an endless circle that changes from hour to hour. He’s caused the pain and yet is the one who could make it better.

OP posts:

StripeyDeckchair · 31/08/2020 08:44

Hes being selfish - it's all about him not you. Go no contact & move on.it will hurt now but far less than spending months wondering when he'll contact you, what every text means etc.

NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite · 31/08/2020 08:49

Friendship isn't enough for you. You need to have a clean break in order to get over him. He is playing games with your feelings by suggesting he might apologise and beg you to return in the future. That sounds like he is a controlling person.

Original poster

Dazed2020 · 31/08/2020 08:50

I’m fairly sure I’ll get a message at some point in the next week treating me as a mate and I have no idea what the correct response is. I don’t want to push him away but I don’t want to be a mate, I want to be his girlfriend.

OP posts:

Grobagsforever · 31/08/2020 08:51

He's being an absolute wanker and trying to make you into an option and begging for his attention. Manipulate you into trying to please him to he'll have you back.

No contact and block him on everything!

Original poster

Dazed2020 · 31/08/2020 08:55

He does seem to think he has no other option than ending it. However there are options available to him but it would mean making a few changes and compromises, just as I have all along. He kept asking for time to see if he could continue our relationship and I asked him to make the choice. So he chose to end it for the time being but stay friends. I can’t be his friend, this is the man I love and the man I saw my future with.

OP posts:

InDeoEstMeaFiducia · 31/08/2020 08:56

What an arsehole, he doesn't want to do the work in the relationship, but he wants to make sure he keeps you as an option whenever he thinks he might be inclined to have a girlfriend again. That's stringing you along bullshit.

You're not his friend. Bet he doesn't treat his friends like that.

Have some self-respect. No one will respect you if you don't respect yourself. 'No. You don't get to be friends with me or keep me hanging on for whenever you decide to bother. I'm not your friend, I'm your ex-girlfriend. No contact. Goodbye.'

InDeoEstMeaFiducia · 31/08/2020 08:57

He chose to end it. He does not get to choose to 'stay friends'. Nope.

Original poster

Dazed2020 · 31/08/2020 08:58

What should the response be when he gets in touch ?

OP posts:

Original poster

Dazed2020 · 31/08/2020 08:59

I would like to restart the relationship with him fully in but know it’s probably wishful thinking.

OP posts:

orangejuicer · 31/08/2020 09:00

Block him, do not reply. A clean break is the only way.

I stayed a friend and it tortured me for years.

IncludeWomenInTheSequel · 31/08/2020 09:00

He does not think he has no other option than to end it! He doesn't want to keep you enough to make the other changes.

But he'll keep you on the hook enough in case he fancies a shag next weekend.

Don't be that option for him. Block block block!!

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