Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No contact yes or no

51 replies

Dazed2020 · 31/08/2020 08:24

My boyfriend broke up two days ago with me after almost a year. The break up wasn’t wanted by either of us but he chose that option because of other huge commitments on his life that were making it impossible to see me enough. There are changes that could be made and compromises but he hasn’t put these into place. He’s asked to be friends and keep in touch, says he loved me and wants a future and hinted he may be apologising in the future and begging me to try again. I’ve no idea what to do. I can’t be his friend, I love this man so much and being downgraded is killing me. I miss him so much already and know that if we had a friendship only, I’d be constantly getting my hopes up every time we spoke.

Does non contact work?

OP posts:
KeepingPlain · 31/08/2020 09:01

Tell him no to being friends now. Don't wait for him to contact you, just say no now and that it doesn't work for you. You wanted more and don't want just his friendship and that you need to get over him to be able to move on and find someone who does want you. Be brutal about it, he's a coward.

AnnaFour · 31/08/2020 09:01

What are these other commitments and what we’re the compromises he could have put in place? It almost sounds like you gave him an ultimatum about seeing you more often or ending it?

bonjonbovi · 31/08/2020 09:02

You will always be on tenterhooks waiting for him to text. He has you like a puppet on a string and that’s not fair on you.

Block him. Take the control. Move on with your life without him.

CaffeineInfusion · 31/08/2020 09:03

Your response?

Block him. You might want to be his girlfriend, but... He doesn't want you.

You deserve so much more. Block him and move on to someone who values you.

bonjonbovi · 31/08/2020 09:04

@Dazed2020

What should the response be when he gets in touch ?
“Fuck off to the other side of fuck, and then fuck off some more. You had your chance with me, you blew it. Bye bye”
Original poster
Dazed2020 · 31/08/2020 09:09

I asked him to make his choice now rather than leaving me hanging on for potentially a month. The changes were allowing me to be a part of the aspects of his life that are demanding all his time currently.

OP posts:
Histrionicz · 31/08/2020 09:10

He knows how much you love and want him and he’s trying to keep you just there on stand-by for when it suits him. He has all the power and he knows it. That’s not to say he doesn’t care for you but his motives with this friendship are entirely selfish.

Clean break. Trust me. It’ll be awful for a while and then it’ll be better. Don’t draw out this state of limbo and pain by trying to have a friendship.

CloudsCanLookLikeSheep · 31/08/2020 09:12

Actions speak louder than words. If he wanted to be with you, he wouldn't have ended it. Therefore he's chosen to end it.

You need to end it too.

Louise91417 · 31/08/2020 09:18

Having you wait around incase he "changes his mind" is not being caring toward you. Sounds like he is keeping his options open. And if you go NC and he does "forget" you so easily i would take that as he didnt care that much to start with. Your worth more..move on..it will be hard to begin with but you will probably end up being happier without him...

dancingpenguins · 31/08/2020 09:18

So he'd rather not be with you than include you in some aspects of his life? I'm really sorry op but he's telling you quite clearly how he feels about you, you need to listen. Value your own worth and respect yourself. Sadly he does not feel the about you as you do about him as his actions clearly show. I've ignored similar messages too many times and always end up with my heart shattered rather than just broken.

Tomatoesneedtoripen · 31/08/2020 09:27

please make a clean break,it will be less painful.

KarlKennedysDurianFruit · 31/08/2020 09:28

This is the man who's caring for his dying father, has his children 3 days a week and works FT. He said he needed a break for a month, and he'd contact you then because you said you didn't want contact if you couldn't see each other and he said that he felt guilty about you asking all the time to see him as he physically doesn't have the hours in the day at the moment. Cut the man some slack and stop creating multiple threads.

slipperywhensparticus · 31/08/2020 09:28

@Dazed2020

I’m fairly sure I’ll get a message at some point in the next week treating me as a mate and I have no idea what the correct response is. I don’t want to push him away but I don’t want to be a mate, I want to be his girlfriend.
Silence is your best response block him on everything pick up your dignity and leave him be

It sounds like if he had wanted it to work a few changes could have been made he wasn't prepared to do that

WhyIsItSoHardToPickAUsername · 31/08/2020 09:30

This is the man who's caring for his dying father, has his children 3 days a week and works FT. He said he needed a break for a month, and he'd contact you then because you said you didn't want contact if you couldn't see each other and he said that he felt guilty about you asking all the time to see him as he physically doesn't have the hours in the day at the moment. Cut the man some slack and stop creating multiple threads

Thats the poster I thought this was too. She says she's new to Mumsnet though 🤷🏼‍♀️ Same story and same writing style though.

tornadoalley · 31/08/2020 09:33

Clean break and no contact. If you remain 'friends' he will keep you dangling on a string and not able to move forwards, while he can feel free to date other girls/women and live his life, knowing he can change his mind and pick you up whenever or if, he feels like it. You meanwhile will stay loving someone who is not attainable or committed to you.

So win for him, and lose for you unless you NC

Original poster
Dazed2020 · 31/08/2020 09:39

No, I haven’t posted before but will look for the thread you mentioned. My boyfriend or rather ex boyfriend (sounds horrible) is working away and finding it impossible to see me alongside his new job, studying and his daughters who he has at weekends when he’s back here. It was ending up that he could only see me a few hours a fortnight and even that was a struggle.

OP posts:
HouchinBawbags · 31/08/2020 09:42

@Dazed2020

I would like to restart the relationship with him fully in but know it’s probably wishful thinking.
If that's the case then you'd best get yourself geared up for "restarts" throughout the whole thing, no matter how many years you end up being together and it could possibly end up failing leaving you as a single mum etc.

Hold on to what dignity you have and block him. You can't be forced to think about what to reply if you never receive the text message in the first place.

PamDemic · 31/08/2020 09:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Florencex · 31/08/2020 09:50

I read of an almost identical situation at the weekend.

My thoughts are the same as with that poster. If he can’t see you enough because of other commitments it shows that you are the lowest priority in his life. He doesn’t want a future with you. Nobody pushes away somebody they want a future with. I mean would you? I know I wouldn’t. He’s pushing you away but keeping you dangling so he can see what the alternatives are and keep you as back up.

For your own sake, you need to do the hardest thing which is no contact, because if you keep up the contact you will be living in hope and won’t be able to grieve and eventually move on.

KeepingPlain · 31/08/2020 09:52

So he's prioritising his daughters and his job that provides for his daughters over you?

I take back what I said, he can do better. Leave the poor guy alone. He's a father, he's trying to provide for his kids, having to work away and study for better jobs and you want more of his time? Tough luck, he has kids, it doesn't work like that for parents. They are the priority not you. Don't like it? Don't date men with kids. Simples.

He can't give you all of his attention and never will. He's a good father from the sounds of it.

ShitStain · 31/08/2020 09:57

“He says he loved me”

Loved is past tense.

Why wait around for someone who doesn’t love you?

StillCoughingandLaughing · 31/08/2020 09:58

If I refuse friendship, will I be forgotten or will it show him what he is throwing away?

However there are options available to him but it would mean making a few changes and compromises, just as I have all along.

Sorry, but these comments are ringing alarm bells for me. You’re hoping against hope for the call asking you back, and I don’t think it’s going to come. He either wants you on the reserve bench, or is saying ‘we can still be friends’ because he thinks it’s less brutal than just ending it full stop.

If he wanted to be with you, he would. I’m assuming the compromise you feel he could make is to involve you more with his children? Either he isn’t ready for it or he thinks they aren’t - either way, they will come first.

Delete and block his number. If you must hold on to some hope of contact, give the number to your most trusted friend before you delete it. Tell her you will only ask for it if you’re 100% sure you want to get in touch, that you will make a case as to why you want it, and under no circumstances is she to give it to you when you’re drunk.

Seenthefilmgotthetshirt · 31/08/2020 10:00

Agree with other comments - value yourself and ultimately trust your instinct.

ChristmasFluff · 31/08/2020 10:54

If he hasn't enough time for a girlfriend, he certainly won't have enough time to be a good friend - and why would you want a crap friend?

He didn't care enough about you to make time for you, that is the takeaway here. He'll happily downgrade you to a back-up plan if you accept it. And tbh, we all know you will.

You will be waiting for months/years for this 'relationship' to re-start. Before eventually he moves on with someone else, that he can somehow miraculously find time for.

Or block him now and get on with your life properly. Rip off the plaster - seemingly more painful right now, but gets it done and dusted rather than dragging it out and ending up more painful in the long run

lockdownalli · 31/08/2020 10:58

@orangejuicer

Block him, do not reply. A clean break is the only way.

I stayed a friend and it tortured me for years.

This x 1000.

I also have this particularly horrid t shirt. Never again.

Don't stick your hand back in the fire to see if it still burns.

Swipe left for the next trending thread