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Original poster

Who was BU over bag of soil

33 replies

WhaleOfTime · 31/08/2020 07:31

Just trying to understand why this little episode has stuck in my mind and bothers me so much. It was between me and exDP (very recently broken up).

The back story is I became pretty isolated because of his choices - him wanting to live in a particular place, but I cant drive, so I became kind of reliant on him for anything that required a car. We also never did anything, basically because he didnt want to. So going out for drinks, going out to eat, weekends or holidays, all of that I had to do with friends.

I decided I was going to try and grow some stuff from seed. Just for fun but also as a way of helping my mental health. I told him I needed to get some soil and he said 'just dig some dirt out of the garden, it's the same thing'.

I kind of didnt feel good about that, but thought 'okay'. After a month, I decided that actually no, I really wanted some proper soil, because it was a pain in the ass shovelling out earth and then checking it for lumps, dampening it, etc. Plus it didn't look as rich as the soil you would buy.

The conversation went like this:
Him: '...and tomorrow I need to go to the DIY store'.
Me: 'Okay, I'll come with you and then we can go to the garden centre. I want to get some soil.'
Him: 'But I told you, just dig it out of the garden.'
Me: 'But it's not the same.'
Him: 'It is though.'
Me: 'Yeah, but just in terms of easiness, I don't want to have to be shovelling dirt in the garden just to plant some seeds, you know?'
Him: 'I'll do it for you, it's no problem.'
Me: 'I don't want to have to rely on you doing that every time I want some soil.'
Him: I can fill up a container, that way you will always have some.
Me: I'd rather just have a bag of it there when I need it.'
Him: 'I just don't really see the point.'
Me: 'But also you know, it's not like it's expensive, so why not just get it and be done with it? Also who knows, maybe we'll find some other cool plants at the garden place.'
Him: Probably not, it's not really the season for it.
[awkward silence]
Me: 'Okay well look, if for whatever reason you just don't want to go to the garden centre, then....okay then.'
Him: [storms out]

I don't know why this stuck in my mind but I felt really confused and frustrated after this and I don't know why. I also felt a bit sad, again not sure why. At the same time though I wonder - was I BU because he was trying to do something nice (the digging) and I basically rejected that?

I just didnt understand why this was a big deal.

OP posts:
puguin86 · 31/08/2020 07:35

No he's a controlling twat

Arrivederla · 31/08/2020 07:40

Sounds like you are well rid, op.

He doesn't want you to go out and do stuff, meet people, go on holiday and now he makes a massive fuss about a bag of compost that (presumably) you were going to spend your own money on?

Sounds like he was determined to control every aspect of your life. There are better men than this out there.

CaptainMyCaptain · 31/08/2020 07:41

You need proper compost for planting seeds. They won't grow well in 'dirt' from the garden.

He is also being a teat and controlling.

Positivitylieswithin · 31/08/2020 07:42

He's pathetic, he should have just got you the damn soil what's the issue.

FippertyGibbett · 31/08/2020 07:43

Very controlling.
You’re an adult, you can buy whatever you want.
I hope your mental health improves now , but you really need to let go and be free of him.

burritofan · 31/08/2020 07:44

Agree, controlling twat, with a side helping of misery guts. You feel frustrated and confused by it because that’s what he wanted you to feel. You’re better off without him – you’re free to buy as much compost as you want, to enjoy life, to think positive instead of living life by Mr Grumpy’s “Garden centre half empty” outlook.

GabriellaMontez · 31/08/2020 07:46

What a twat.

user1493413286 · 31/08/2020 07:48

It sounds like part of his controlling behaviour; the way that conversation should have gone is either he just agreed that he’d take you to get soil or he suggests using it from the garden, you say you don’t want to and he says he’ll take you to get it

Redcups64 · 31/08/2020 07:49

It bothers you because it was a non issue for him to just get the soil but he refused too. That’s not normal behaviour really. Glad you’ve split up!

Pinot4me · 31/08/2020 07:49

I’d be so irritated by this... he shouldn’t get to have the final say!
If he won’t take you then get it online and reconsider your relationship.

RhymesWithOrange · 31/08/2020 07:50

I think I remember your previous threads, well done for getting out.

I wouldn't waste any more headspace on him. He was just a twat.

Original poster
WhaleOfTime · 31/08/2020 07:51

Thanks guys, I had a really difficult time understanding why he was so hung up about the soil!

I guess it doesnt matter now, but that one really confused me. He would have done other things, like if I needed to get something to repair my bike wheel then no problem, but it was just crazy how this bag of soil caused such an issue. I dont know whether it was about it being a waste of money (my money obviously) or what. Who knows...

It became kind of symbolic to me.

OP posts:
Cheesypea · 31/08/2020 07:51

Your still living together?

Pinot4me · 31/08/2020 07:51

Oops sorry I’ve just read your post again and noticed that you’ve separated.

toomanyspiderplants · 31/08/2020 07:54

It bothers you because bits such a non issue. .yet he made it one. so glad you are out of it.

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 31/08/2020 07:55

He was being helpful and controlling. You wanted to do it your way, with a nice trip to the garden centre. He wanted to help you but he would only help you to do it his way - digging the garden. Maybe he actually didn't want you going out (since he was going to garden centre anyway) or maybe he just thought his way was better than yours. But either way his "help" comes at too high a price.

Be sad for the good bits, but be grateful this relationship is over. Over time his attitude would wear you down and make your more and more helpless and more and more dependent.

I don't drive either, and I couln't live somewhere I was so dependent on someone else to get me around. It says something about him that he pressured you into making yourself dependent on him.

FippertyGibbett · 31/08/2020 07:57

You need to find a way to move forward into a new life mentally free of him.
My hubby was taught an exercise by a CBT counsellor.
Mentally see yourself putting the problem into a nice little box, fold the flaps down and tie it with ribbon. Then place it in a river and watch it float away into the distance, eventually disappearing. Then it’s gone forever, not to be thought of again.
If it ever comes to mind again push it out and do/think of something else.

MakeItRain · 31/08/2020 08:01

Controlling. My ex was like that at the start of our relationship. It basically is a way of stopping or changing your plans to always make them a bit harder for you or else turn them into his idea of what should happen. But at the same time they're holding over you that they're "doing you a favour" or "helping you" so that you should really be grateful for what they're doing, even if you're having to change your plans.

It's unsettling over time, and you start to feel (like you do) that maybe you're the one with the problem, because they always make their ideas and decisions sound so reasonable. It makes you question your own decisions and you wonder if you're the one being awkward, simply because you want to do things in a different way.

After years of this (where in the worst case scenario, it tends to escalate into more control), you have completely lost sight of what's reasonable and what's not, and you're generally not involved in any decision making whatsoever. (Often by that time you've given up trying, or you've completely lost sight of what you want anyway.)

Sounds like you're best off out of it. Flowers

Purplewithred · 31/08/2020 08:01

Translation:

You: I’d like to do something, and I need you to help me make it happen
Him: O good, my favourite game. I am going to stop you, and do it in a way that if you get cross it will make you look like the unreasonable/stupid one. This will make me powerful and make you weak, and I will be happy because I have you where I want you.

I am sure there were many other examples (eg him: I want to live in the middle of nowhere with no public transport, which will put Whale entirely in my power).

Well done for escaping.

Macaroni46 · 31/08/2020 08:02

I think you're still too dependent on him. Yes he's being a twat but why are you relying on him to buy you soil?
You've separated - thats good. But that means doing things yourself. Why don't you drive? Maybe time to learn so you can be independent.

ProudMarys · 31/08/2020 08:09

You are well shot of him. You were right you do need compost especially for seeds (normal garden earth generally won't contain enough nutrients) Ok for potatoes I found though. But that aside he was telling you like he knows better and didn't actually have a clue. Very controlling, its horrible going through a break up but you really are well rid of him.

WhoWouldHaveThoughtThat · 31/08/2020 08:14

You could have taken him up on his offer to dig up a load if soil, and say you also need a trench about six feet long and six feet deep... Wink

mysteryfairy · 31/08/2020 08:16

Sounds like you are well rid of him.

You can order whatever gardening supplies you want online so why not order some compost, seed trays etc and set off some seedlings now for Spring as a way of concluding?

Reedwarbler · 31/08/2020 08:20

I know you are split up now, but why didn't you just order some potting compost or soil online? Yes, he sounds like a twat, but equally you are making yourself sound a bit helpless, which I am sure you're not.

FippertyGibbett · 31/08/2020 08:22

I read it that she has left him now, I presumed living separately, but this was an example of his behaviour when they were together.
OP - are you still living together or are you living separately ?

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