Who was BU over bag of soil

[WhaleOfTime]

Just trying to understand why this little episode has stuck in my mind and bothers me so much. It was between me and exDP (very recently broken up).

The back story is I became pretty isolated because of his choices - him wanting to live in a particular place, but I cant drive, so I became kind of reliant on him for anything that required a car. We also never did anything, basically because he didnt want to. So going out for drinks, going out to eat, weekends or holidays, all of that I had to do with friends.

I decided I was going to try and grow some stuff from seed. Just for fun but also as a way of helping my mental health. I told him I needed to get some soil and he said 'just dig some dirt out of the garden, it's the same thing'.

I kind of didnt feel good about that, but thought 'okay'. After a month, I decided that actually no, I really wanted some proper soil, because it was a pain in the ass shovelling out earth and then checking it for lumps, dampening it, etc. Plus it didn't look as rich as the soil you would buy.

The conversation went like this:
Him: '...and tomorrow I need to go to the DIY store'.
Me: 'Okay, I'll come with you and then we can go to the garden centre. I want to get some soil.'
Him: 'But I told you, just dig it out of the garden.'
Me: 'But it's not the same.'
Him: 'It is though.'
Me: 'Yeah, but just in terms of easiness, I don't want to have to be shovelling dirt in the garden just to plant some seeds, you know?'
Him: 'I'll do it for you, it's no problem.'
Me: 'I don't want to have to rely on you doing that every time I want some soil.'
Him: I can fill up a container, that way you will always have some.
Me: I'd rather just have a bag of it there when I need it.'
Him: 'I just don't really see the point.'
Me: 'But also you know, it's not like it's expensive, so why not just get it and be done with it? Also who knows, maybe we'll find some other cool plants at the garden place.'
Him: Probably not, it's not really the season for it.
[awkward silence]
Me: 'Okay well look, if for whatever reason you just don't want to go to the garden centre, then....okay then.'
Him: [storms out]

I don't know why this stuck in my mind but I felt really confused and frustrated after this and I don't know why. I also felt a bit sad, again not sure why. At the same time though I wonder - was I BU because he was trying to do something nice (the digging) and I basically rejected that?

I just didnt understand why this was a big deal.

Have you heard of Amazon? Handing over control of your life to this extent is ridiculous and you need to stop it. Take more care in your next relationship or your life will be miserable.

it was just crazy how this bag of soil caused such an issue.

The soil didn’t cause the issue. The issue was he’d decided what you should do, you didn’t want to do it and he wasn’t happy with that. He didn’t even have to go out of his way to get the soil - he just didn’t want to, because it wasn’t his idea.

That would bother anyone.
You were making perfectly reasonable request and he was being very controlling, condescending and mean.

He was being VVVVVU. He made it a big deal because he's a twat. It's not you.

The only correct response to "I need a bag of compost" is "OK, will that be enough or should we get a few?" This is what DH would say he's well trained

I was going to say something about his controlling behaviour, but no need, everyone else has. You're well rid!

I don't think you should just box this up and forget it, I agree it is a symbol. But the point is not worrying over who is "right" about compost versus soil, or digging versus the garden centre versus amazon delivery (or whatever else). The point is that you wanted to do it one way and instead of helping you do it your way he only chose to "help" you do it his way. That is a symbol of his real desperation for control. So if a future partner starts that kind of "helping" then remember that symbol "soil!!!" and take warning.

And be careful about letting someone put you in a position where you have to depend on their help to live your life. I bet when you agreed to move he said he'd drive you where you want to go? But that turned out to mean he'd drive you where he thought you should want to go.

It wasn’t a big deal - it’s just that he was a controlling arsehole who couldn’t deal with you having a way of doing something that wasn’t the way he had told you to.

Thank god you’re not with him any more - he sounds like such an arsehole

@WhaleOfTime have you been able to move elsewhere yet? How's your MH now? Did you break up with him? How has he taken it?

Weird little things do stick sometimes, even when there are much bigger things at play.

If the soil was a one off (which it never really is) then I'd say he was being a twat. Yes, you can grow seeds in the soil/dirt/whatever from the garden, but unless it's been properly looked after for years, it's not very good and compost soil is FAR better AND FAR easier.

That aside. Unless £5 for a bag of compost was the difference between eating that week & not then whether he though you were right or not, he should have enabled you to do what YOU wanted, the way YOU wanted.

He would have done another errand willingly, so it's just his need to 'be right' about growing seeds in garden soil - for no particular reason. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I would just put this 'soil' issue down to people sometimes being too hung up on being right!

MJMG2015 I think you hit the nail on the head about some people always wanting to be right and never accepting that they could be wrong or even that there is more than one answer to something.