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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Fed up of the pressure.

30 replies

JalapenoDave · 31/08/2020 02:29

Long time poster. Changed name due to possible outing reasons. Really unfortunate as I preferred my other name!

Anyway. I am 29. 30 at beginning of December. I am married (1 year in November).

I am not ready for children. Simple as that. The idea of it terrifies me. The lack of sleep, the giving up of your identity. I'm shit scared of being a mum. I'm shit scared of how my life would change

I'm under so much pressure from my MIL and SIL. Saying I need to "hurry up as it might take years" and my "time is running out".

I do not want children yet. I have a plan in my head on how I want life to go. A baby isn't in those plans yet.

AIBU to feel pressured; should I have a baby sooner than I want, to please family? Or should I wait? My head is everywhere. Do other women feel this pressure?

OP posts:

Beldon · 31/08/2020 02:45

Ignore ignore ignore!!
Trust me if you did get pregnant to please them they would be pestering you on when you are going to have your second before the first is even born. Be firm and say you have no plans to have baby in next few years and you don’t want to talk about it anymore. Better still get your husband to tell his family to keep out of it and stop pestering you.

mayormaynot · 31/08/2020 02:48

@Beldon

Ignore ignore ignore!! Trust me if you did get pregnant to please them they would be pestering you on when you are going to have your second before the first is even born. Be firm and say you have no plans to have baby in next few years and you don’t want to talk about it anymore. Better still get your husband to tell his family to keep out of it and stop pestering you.

Exactly this. Enjoy fully what you have now and have a baby when you are ready.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 31/08/2020 03:05

Get your fertility checked, then relax and have one when you are ready but obviously understand that there's only so long you can kick that can down the road - that's if you really want kids? It's ok if you actually don't. The lack of sleep won't magically become an easier thing to handle when you are 35, if anything it's harder the older you are.

missmouse101 · 31/08/2020 03:05

Please, please, please calmly and clearly say to them, as perfectly as you have expressed it here: "I do not want children yet." You do not have to justify your choices to anyone and no one should ever have children because they're pressured into it. If you decide you never will either, that's TOTALLY ok.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 31/08/2020 03:06

Eg if you are only going to feel "ready" at 45 your chances are pretty low of a successful outcome.

SnuggyBuggy · 31/08/2020 07:05

You shouldn't have kids to please anyone but it's sensible to consider your potential fertility and the fact that some aspects of motherhood will get harder with age.

ChickensMightFly · 31/08/2020 07:11

There is nothing worse to sour the joy there ought to be in being a mum than having children when you don't want them.
Ignore the pressure, and tell them to back off. I didn't attempt children until I was 33 and luckily had no difficulties conceiving, many don't. I was aware that conception might be more difficult as time went by but that was a risk I was happy with, if children hasn't come along I would have been able to live my life without children. If that seems similar, then there is no problem and don't be rushed into anything. Every mum occasionally (or regularly) feels the constraints of the responsibility of motherhood, it's not an issue when you want to be in that position, but I don't think that would be good at all if you had been pushed into it

seayork2020 · 31/08/2020 07:14

DH was 29 and I was 31 when I found I was pregnant, we were ready to have a child so let nature take its course - otherwise no way would I have had a child at all till I was ready so if I was never ready to would not have happened

We were in total shock when I found out but not because we weren't ready just because it happened so fast (for us not always the case I know) and there a lot of infertility in my side of the family so it was in the back of my head

Nothing wrong with not having kids at all

CerealBeacon · 31/08/2020 07:22

What @ChickensMightFly said, but I waited till I was 39. I was prepared to risk not being able to have any rather than have a child before I wanted one.

Tell everyone else to fuck off out of your ovaries.

Shoxfordian · 31/08/2020 07:25

Tell them it's none of their business
If you're talking on the phone say you don't want to discuss it, if they continue hang up. If you're seeing them in person then leave. Be very direct and get your husband to back you

Or ask how often they're having sex- essentially they're asking about your sex life so ask back

Or tell them you would like to conceive but you're just really into anal at the moment, that'll shut them up

seayork2020 · 31/08/2020 07:40

@Shoxfordian

Tell them it's none of their business If you're talking on the phone say you don't want to discuss it, if they continue hang up. If you're seeing them in person then leave. Be very direct and get your husband to back you

Or ask how often they're having sex- essentially they're asking about your sex life so ask back

Or tell them you would like to conceive but you're just really into anal at the moment, that'll shut them up

yes agree

I only have the one child, when he was younger and we were asked if we were having another I may have replied

'when heel freezes over'

'I will have the child you raise it'

would work now for you or something along these lines

But I also do find it is a small talk type thing too so some people run out of things to say - not saying it is right to ask but some people are asking and it is not a serious question.

GarlicMonkey · 31/08/2020 07:52

I'd tell them we weren't planning on having children at all. That'll shut them up plus make it so much easier should you decide not to & if you decide on the contrary, it'll be a surprise for them. For goodness sake don't have kids if you're not 100% certain. And don't be persuaded by promises of help & support. I fell for that one & was left very much alone.

middleager · 31/08/2020 07:57

Don't do it - bend to their pressure.
I never planned for children..When I was 30 my nephew (9) said: "My parents (brother and SIL) think you're weird, not having kids".

For the next year I felt pressure from family and society to reproduce.

So I did. In fact, I had two at once and by God was I not ready. I love my kids, but wished I'd listened to my inner voice as I wasn't ready and feel that I had them then to please others.
It sounds ridiculous now, but please don't let anybody pressure you.

Velvian · 31/08/2020 08:15

You don't have to have children at all, op. Don't feel that you have to, you don't owe it to anyone.

cheeseislife8 · 31/08/2020 08:33

As soon as DH and I got engaged the pressure started. People seem to think it's their business, which always seemed odd to me as its a deeply personal thing.
Tell them you're not planning a family yet, if at all, and you don't want to discuss it further.
Definitely don't be pressured into having a child earlier than you want to just to please others

TheHappyHerbivore · 31/08/2020 08:35

I got this as well. I started saying ‘Every time you mention babies I add six months onto my timeline’ and they eventually (mostly) shut up about it.

Absolutely do not have kids to please other people. A baby should be something you have because you really want one, no other reason.

AnxMummy10 · 31/08/2020 08:36

You need to tell them that it isnt their business at all and they are crossing a line here. They have no idea if you are struggling with fertility issues or anything - so they are way out of order.
In the meantime I would get my fertility tests checked. It's just that if you arent ready anytime soon then you would rather be in a position to not regret anything later on.

Pebblexox · 31/08/2020 08:39

Of course it's your body, your decision. However you keep saying I. How does your dh feel about all this? It's his family at the end of the day, is he in agreement with you? Or does he agree with them?

hopsalong · 31/08/2020 08:40

Just. Tell. Them. To. (Very sweetly). Fuck Off.

My mum and various other people in my life were like this when I got married at 29/30. It only carried on for a year or two and then they must have all decided I didn't want or couldn't have children. Then when I got pregnant at 35, they were all a bit put out to begin with, as if I'd defied expectations again. Then as pleased as they would have been five years earlier....

In terms of my career, buying a house etc, those five years were the most important. If I'd gone on maternity leave at 30, it would have been very difficult (in fact in my own field impossible) to get to where I have.

AnnaFour · 31/08/2020 08:41

You dont ever have to have children if you decide it’s not for you! Your reasons for not being ready are entirely sensible and legitimate. It’s hard work being pregnant and giving birth and looking after another human for the next couple of decades of your life. There is no way you should contemplate doing it just to please other people.

VettiyaIruken · 31/08/2020 08:43

You would have to be bonkers to have a child you don't feel ready for because you want to please others!
They won't be paying to feed and clothe that child. They won't be up half the night, they won't have two decades or more of responsibility for that child.
They'd come over and coo, have a coffee and bigger off home.

Only have a child if that is what you want.

Fatted · 31/08/2020 08:46

I never felt the pressure. Although people did start asking us about kids after we got married. I was married at a similar age to you. I just shrugged and said I didn't want any, because I didn't at the time.

Something that I will say with the benefit of hindsight, is there is never really a good time to have kids. The things you are worried about don't change or get any easier as you get older or once you have achieved certain things in life. If you're not ready for kids now, you probably won't be ready for kids in five years either. I felt like this, but the problem was that after five years, I had a two year old and a newborn! Life is much easier now my kids are older, but I was in no way prepared for how selfless I have to be as a mother and in retrospect, I'm probably not the right personality to have had kids. But I did and I wouldn't change it for the world. Despite all of the hard times, the mental health battle and the midlife identity crisis.

PanamaPattie · 31/08/2020 08:52

Some people can’t bear to see a happy childless couple because it reminds them of what their lives were like before DC.

SnuggyBuggy · 31/08/2020 08:54

I agree, nothing wrong with not wanting children

justanotherneighinparadise · 31/08/2020 08:59

It’s so difficult as their heart might be in the right place.

You’re assuming that when you’re ready a baby will appear (and you might be right!). They’re concerned that when you’re ready you might find you have fertility problems and wish you tried earlier (they might be right!). Only time is going to tell I guess but don’t be railroaded into it as you’ll only be resentful . You’re correct that children change everything. You can no longer be selfish and the one benefit that came with me having my children in my late thirties is by then I didn’t care about my own interests anymore. I was bored of thinking about me and ready to concentrate on someone else.

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