Losing a parent

[Beansprout30]

Aibu to ask how you felt when your mum / dad someone equally as close, died? My dad passed away suddenly a few weeks ago and I obviously feel very sad, but i also feel ‘ok’? We were close and I saw him most days and cannot believe he’s gone.

I don’t know if this is normal and at some point it’s going to hit me harder. I have two very young kids who keep me busy and perhaps I don’t have time to sit and think about what’s happened.

I think being busy is very key. My dad died very suddenly last year and I had a lot of time to think about it. It hit me extremely hard.

I don’t think there’s any right or wrong in how you react, you feel how you feel. Having the dc to occupy is very useful, you probably don’t have time to dwell on it. I”m sorry for your loss, OP.

I think it is incredibly common to go into a sort of "getting on with it" mode, particularly as you have little ones to look after - you don't have the chance to go into "total collapse" mode.

I think a lot of people get on with the practicalities for a while.

We all grieve differently. Some people will appear to be 'okay' for weeks and then just collapse, sobbing in a heap one day. Others will continue to 'just get on with life'. I think some of it has to do with personality, a lot to do with the circumstances of the passing (97 yr old who has been ill for months or years, vs 22 yr old tragically killed in an RTA), and the 'expectedness' of it. My friend moved in with her Mum some 4 months ago, her Mum having been givne a few weeks to live, after being diagnosed with cancer about 3 years ago. She will obviously be devastated when her Mum goes, but there is a sense of peace, at having done all their talking and said everything they want to, and spent some lovely quality time together over a long time. For others, a sudden heart attack or other sudden death, people won't have had that.

But even with the same circumstances, and same relationship, people respond differently My siblings and I all responded differently when our parents died, even though we all had the same relationship with them.

Sorry for your loss.

Maybe you just feel numb from shock? Both my parents died very suddenly, and the grief was tempered by shock at first. I felt sort of numb for quite a while.

for you. I’m so sorry for your loss.

I think you can be in denial for a bit, I know I was when my dad died. I can remember talking to a friend soon after he died and I was quite calmly talking about him, but it was if I was talking about someone else.

I can remember also having moments when it really hit, it was like someone had hit me in the chest and I couldn't breathe.

Grief affects people in different ways and at different times. Tears used to come when driving on my own, or walking the dog.

I am sorry for your loss OP

I was completely and utterly devastated when my mother died. I literally had a physical ache in my chest, as if I had been punched. I cried inconsolably. My father died a few months later and I was sad, but numb about it. Looking back I think I was still in shock because of my mother's death I was still in the raw grief period about her death. Then I felt guilty because I didn't miss my father, who I loved dearly, as much as my mother. I remember also feeling like an orphan, even although I was in my late 30s. We all react differently, just be kind to yourself.

Five stages of grief:

1. denial
2. anger
3. bargaining
4. depression
5. acceptance

Not sure I agree with the orde,r but I think shock/denial is common to start with and have experienced it myself (for months before it really hit me). Sorry for your loss OP

I loved my dad, he had a stroke and it was a rollercoaster six weeks until he died. But the next day I had an important business meeting and kept it - I was quite able to compartmentalise it.
My husband died not long after. I kept it together as much as I could for the kids, but I cried alot in private. Looking back I had a hideous 18 months, but to most people probably looked and acted quite normal.
Life goes on, and you have to get on with it no matter what pain you are going through. It will probably hit you at unexpected moments - seeing a man a similar age to your dad walking with his grandchild for example. But don't feel guilty if you are able to still have happiness in your life.

I was devastated when I found out my mum had cancer and only had a few months left. I had an eight week old baby. I had a terrible birth and was suffering undiagnosed PND and PTSD. It was not a good time.

Once she was gone, life without her was hard, but watching her dying had been harder.

It's true what they say - you never get over it, but you learn to live with it. Life goes on, but 12 years later, there are moments like right now, when the pain is just as raw and the grief just as crippling.

@GreenPlum i think thats so true. I dont think it goes - grief isnt linear or in "stages".
It comes in waves , and somehow you build your life around the grief , but it still at times bumps into your life and knocks you flat .

I think I read something on here a few months ago. It was a grief analogy. Something along the lines of a box with a buzzer button in it and a ball. Sometimes the ball was regular size and as it rolled around inside the box, it occasionally hit the buzzer. The grief. Sometimes the ball was tiny and hardly ever triggered the buzzer. And sometimes the ball was massive and was hitting that damn buzzer constantly.

My dad died last year and I remember worrying if my reaction was normal. I was very sad but part of me felt I wasn't greiving enough.

The reality for me is it hits in waves. I can be going about my day as normal and suddenly a song comes on the radio, or a smell reminds me of a day together or just my thoughts catch up with me and I struggle to keep the tears in. These times can be weeks or days apart.

The truth is we all greive differently, there's no one right way. You're being hard on yourself probably because you are in mourning.

So sorry for your loss

My mum died suddenly 3 years ago and my grief wasn't as intense as I'd expected, in comparison to my brother who was and is devastated. I've found it more of a slow burn. She'll pop into my mind and I'll have a wave of sadness at different times, like when I see her in my daughter or when I hear a song she liked. Try not to feel guilty that you're not as sad as you should be. You loved him and will feel the loss but it effects all of us in different ways.

I'm sorry for your loss. At the time of the loss there is so much to do that grieving gets pushed to one side, people are coming round all the time, in normal times that is, during the current situation it's different and the process is extended. I suffered a loss early in lockdown, not connected, but even now there hasn't been a normal period of mourning and I feel to be in limbo.
When my mother died years ago there were tears obviously but over 6 months later a trivial event really set me off so be prepared for minor things.

I have often found the immediate aftermath is OK... Busy, people contacting you, arrangements. It was months down the line when the hole appears.

However with others I have found the immediate shock overwhelming.

My Mum died last Thursday. I was with her when she died, very peacefully but there were some moments of real horror in the last few days. Saturday was the hardest day for me thus far because there were very few practicalities that I could get on with. I suspect that I will struggle after the funeral because there won't be as much to do... but very much taking it a day at a time at the moment.

My mother died when I was 22...we weren't close and I can honestly say I missed the thought of having 'a mother' more than her.
My dad and I were very close...he died when I was 42 at the age of 82. I was more upset when he was diagnosed than when he actually died, as he was then out of pain.
I had 3 days off work and life carried on. I'm a very pragmatic person and that's my way of coping. I couldn't tell you the date of his death and never visit his grave ...but I remember him in other ways as he was a great man.

My dad died in December, I probably feel more upset about it now than I did months ago.

My dad died 4 years ago and I’ve never had very strong feelings of grief about it tbh. He was very hands off when we were kids and had very time consuming hobbies, so we weren’t all that close. Also, as soon as he was diagnosed with the illness he died from, we knew there was no hope (no one survives it), so we had a period of just over a year where we knew it was coming. I was more upset at the diagnosis stage than I was when he actually died (it was a relief tbh - he was very ill for a long for a long time). It was more like an uncle had died than a parent - I still feel like that.

The main thing to remember is that everyone handles these experiences differently - there is no right or wrong way to grieve. Be kind to yourself and don’t have any expectations of how you should feel.

Be prepared for it to hit in waves.
Allow yourself space to feel however you want to feel, there is no wrong.
Make opportunities to spend time with your mum and create memories together.
It’s ok to feel ok sometimes.
Be good to yourself

I was fine when my mother died but she'd had years of ill health, no quality of life and would have happily had a doctor help her die before she did. It was a relief all round, frankly, that she was finally where she wanted to be.

I think it depends on how emotionally close you are and whether it's a sudden or unexpected death.

We still talk about her, recall memories, etc. but there's no void in my life because she wasn't that significant.

I totally recognise the 'waves'.
My parents died when my dc were small. It still hits me when they do things and I think about how proud she'd be or how she'd have like to come to their graduations or whatever.
Or there is a certain song you here, or some other sensory memory - maybe rhubarb crumble was their favourite and it reminds you whenever you have some, etc.

Sorry for your loss x. Grief different for everyone. My dad is 2 years gone but ill for many years so I accepted it. But sometimes it effects you. Not easy op

I have lost both a husband and my dad.
When my dad died I could accept it more as he was in his 80’s and lived a long life with over 20 years of retirement.His death was also quick with little to no suffering. He suffered a stroke and was dead before the ambulance arrived.
My husband hadn’t even reached retirement age and died of cancer. He suffered uncontrollable pain for the last months of his life and even though I was happy his suffering was over it was still the most devastating period of my life.

Very sorry for your loss proudboomer. That is so sad.

Thank you for your replies it’s good to know what I feel or don’t feel is just normal.