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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Open Marriages

41 replies

Mmmmmmmppphhhhhh · 30/08/2020 12:05

Of course it's entirely up to the couple, but AIBU that open marriages tend to be more one person's idea than the other, and the other does it in hope to keep their partner? I just think it'd be luck to find two peopls together who are happy with this.

AIBU that open marriages are an excuse to cheat?

I just don't understand why 2 people who love each other would want to sleep with others.
If you're in an open relationship then enlighten me.

OP posts:
ImaSababa · 30/08/2020 12:09

It's clearly not something you understand, so why judge?

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/08/2020 12:12

@ImaSababa

It's clearly not something you understand, so why judge?
Care to enlighten us?
Original poster
Mmmmmmmppphhhhhh · 30/08/2020 12:17

@ImaSababa i'm not judging. I said I don't understand it and that I believe one partner may be more wianting it than the other.

It's not a bad thing to not understand something but to ask about it in order to understand, otherwise we never learn

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 30/08/2020 12:18

YANBU.

CodenameVillanelle · 30/08/2020 12:19

I'm in an open relationship. We both like having sex with other partners but we love each other. It's not that complicated.

IamTomHanks · 30/08/2020 12:20

I don't understand why people like marmite and/or boiled carrots. However, I accept that they just aren't for me and let those who enjoy them live their lives.

Branleuse · 30/08/2020 12:21

I dunno, I think I could probably enjoy it as long as I was not being neglected

WorraLiberty · 30/08/2020 12:24

I must admit any time I've seen documentaries about open marriages or swinging, I've got the impression one person in the relationship has been more into it than the other.

Isthisadaggerisee · 30/08/2020 12:24

I know quite a few couples who are in OMs or have an ‘understanding’ and are totally happy and together long term. Works for them. They have sex with others but relationships just with each other.

CherryPavlova · 30/08/2020 12:26

In my book it’s not a marriage.

LEELULUMPKIN · 30/08/2020 12:27

I think it's called having your cake and eating it.

Doccomplaint · 30/08/2020 12:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WorraLiberty · 30/08/2020 12:28

I just think it'd be luck to find two peopls together who are happy with this.

Actually, thinking about that ^^, perhaps it's not luck and people who prefer those types of relationships, actively seek like minded people?

Perhaps more problems occur when there are two people in a traditional relationship and one of them suggests an open relationship and the other feels they have to go along with it, in order to keep them.

That's never going to end well.

Original poster
Mmmmmmmppphhhhhh · 30/08/2020 12:28

I understand that people can be happy in them but unless theyve met on a dating site specifically for open relationships, I can't imagine both partners agreeing without either one
feeling pressured
scared of losing their partner
wanting to make their partner happy
or different sex drives

OP posts:
Doccomplaint · 30/08/2020 12:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Deadringer · 30/08/2020 12:29

Why take vows you don't intend to keep? I don't get it at all but each to their own i guess.

madcatladyforever · 30/08/2020 12:30

I agreed to it due to the stress of my ex husbands incessant sex pestering. Of course he was the one going to bdsm clubs etc which I hated and I didn't want any affairs so I didn't have any. But he still went off with the OW.
I think a lot of so called open marriages are totally one sided whilst others are consensual.

Doccomplaint · 30/08/2020 12:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Mmmmmmmppphhhhhh · 30/08/2020 12:30

@Doccomplaint but sex isnt just sex to many people

OP posts:
WhoWouldHaveThoughtThat · 30/08/2020 12:31

@IamTomHanks

I think you're bang out of order to drag Marmite into this tawdry discussion. Shock

Doccomplaint · 30/08/2020 12:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BowowMttt · 30/08/2020 12:32

I think one side of the marriage must have incredibly low self esteem to agree to it. Like PP said, when you watch programs about it there’s always one very enthusiastic partner then one that just seems to go along with it to keep their partner happy. I can’t imagine both parties are happy with the arrangement.

MsVestibule · 30/08/2020 12:33

Monogamy is really important to my husband and me, but I can understand why others might want an open marriage. I enjoy cosy domesticity/the idea of spending the rest of my life with with one person, but can understand the desire to have sex with other people. I rarely meet anybody I fancy enough to shag, though.

Happydaysforever123 · 30/08/2020 12:36

My DSD had an open marriage, it ended with divorce when she had a baby with her man friend. That's in addition to her other children. So in my experience its not a good thing.

Perhaps OK if you don't have children as you are only hurting yourselves if it goes wrong.

Acrasia · 30/08/2020 12:39

I think it depends, I am sure there are some people who have been coerced into a one sided open relationship so that their partner doesn’t leave them. However, there are polyamorous people who are happy, in just the same way that there are asexual relationships. Neither situation would be for me personally, but as long as both partners are willing and happy with the relationship there’s no reason why it wouldn’t work out for them.

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