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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Open Marriages

41 replies

Mmmmmmmppphhhhhh · 30/08/2020 12:05

Of course it's entirely up to the couple, but AIBU that open marriages tend to be more one person's idea than the other, and the other does it in hope to keep their partner? I just think it'd be luck to find two peopls together who are happy with this.

AIBU that open marriages are an excuse to cheat?

I just don't understand why 2 people who love each other would want to sleep with others.
If you're in an open relationship then enlighten me.

OP posts:

TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup · 30/08/2020 12:42

Because we are secure in our relationship with each other but don't believe that monogamy is the absolute only way. Because if I had realised that polyamory/ethical non-monogamy was a valid lifestyle when I was younger I wouldn't have had half the issues with worrying about why I loved my boyfriend but my attraction to other people didn't diminish that.

I wanted to get married because I wanted kids and financial equity etc. I didn't get married cos I wanted to be monogamous.

TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup · 30/08/2020 12:46

Cheating is when one partner is lied to about the other partner's sexual/emotional connections. A healthy poly relationship is about honesty and communication therefore not deceitful. There can be cheating when rules of the relationship are broken but that's not a negative of polyamory itself, same as if a monogamous partner cheats it isn't a reflection of monogamy as a whole.

VesperLynne · 30/08/2020 12:50

I only know one couple who have an open marriage , or who would admit to it , and her lovers were all women. Doesn't stop her enjoying sex with her husband though. Her husband, who I know from university, has been bedding his secretary for years. They are both totally cool with the arrangement and get on like a house on fire. I never understood it but they have six kids , live in huge house and are the most enthusiastic and friendly people I know. I guess it takes all sorts.

Bakeachocolatecaketoday · 30/08/2020 12:59

The open relationship I'm aware of was fine and dandy when they were 20-somethings. Then once kids came along, he was off "enjoying himself" while she was at home with 3 kids and never had the opportunity.....marriage failed.

VirginiaWolverine · 30/08/2020 13:04

I'm really monogamous, so that sort if relationship isn't for me, but I have quite a few friends who are in non-monogamous relationships and it works fine for them. In most cases, it's been something that was agreed on in the very early stages of the relationship, and doesn't detract from the love and commitment between the partners.

LynetteScavo · 30/08/2020 13:15

@CherryPavlova

In my book it’s not a marriage.

This

Living together and shagging other people is one thing, but shagging other people when you're marriage makes a mockery of marriage.

Turbotastic · 30/08/2020 13:25

I have a good friend who is in a long term open relationship (not married, they don't want to be married). No kids and they aren't going to have any so no complications there. She was very upfront with her partner when they met about the fact that she would only ever be in an open relationship because she doesn't believe that one person can give you everything you want for your whole live and visa versa she can't provide everything her partner wants and trying to do that for a lifetime is just doomed to fail and a lot of pressure to put on another person. It's not an emotional thing for her it's just pure logic.

I have to admit when we first talked about it I struggled to understand but I sort of get it now. She is bisexual and her partner is male so being open allows her to experience other kinds of sex and pleasure that he can't give her. He also enjoys the freedom to experience different kinds of people as they don't necessarily enjoy the same things sexually. They experiment with group sex, sometimes separately, sometimes together. They will go months without seeing anyone else sometimes or have many hook ups in a short period of time depending on their moods and circumstances.

They seem very happy and fulfilled. They both get what they want and have the security and love that comes from a commitment relationship with each other. I'm actually a little envious but I know it couldn't work for me because I'm too insecure and jealous and knowing someone I loved was potentially having better, more fulfilling sex with someone else would break my heart! But then I don't see sex as a purely physical act and they both do so it very much works for them.

Misskittyfantastico85 · 30/08/2020 13:26

I was literally just talking about this with DH after reading about Mark Labbet (the beast) having just split from his wife after realising their open marriage wasnt working. Although from the (awful tabloid) article I read, it does seem that he found out she was already having an affair before suggesting an open marriage in order to keep her.

I like the idea of an OM, but I'm not sure I could cope with the reality/jealousy.

TheHappyHerbivore · 30/08/2020 13:28

I find open marriages weird. I have no problem with polyamorous relationships (although I think there is huge capacity for unhappiness and even abuse, I absolutely understand that with good communication and fair behaviour they can work), but marriage is, to me, a commitment to monogamy. If you don’t want to commit to one person for the rest of your life, I don’t think you should get married.

arethereanyleftatall · 30/08/2020 13:33

I think open marriages are going to be more the norm as time goes on.

VirginiaWolverine · 30/08/2020 13:55

I think that nowadays a lot of people see marriage (as opposed to living together) as a partnership for raising children and/ or providing for each other (physical care, financial support, emotional support) in times of need, and for a long-term sharing of a life and resources. And none of those things require monogamy.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 30/08/2020 13:57

@Deadringer

Why take vows you don't intend to keep? I don't get it at all but each to their own i guess.

If i remember correctly my vows said nothing about sex. It's about caring for and about each other, supporting and cherish each other. Let's be honest here. Look at MN. Barely anyone here keeps these vows🤷🏻 Note, I am not in open marriage, but i can see why it may appeal to some even though I wouldn't do it myself.

elephantnose · 30/08/2020 16:54

Traditional wedding vows have the phrase "forsaking all others" which sort of implies not having sex with anyone else.

How many people actually keep these vows is another matter

SchrodingersImmigrant · 30/08/2020 17:02

@elephantnose

Traditional wedding vows have the phrase "forsaking all others" which sort of implies not having sex with anyone else.

How many people actually keep these vows is another matter

Ah. Is that church ones? We had non religious ceremony 🤔

TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup · 30/08/2020 17:18

No forsaking in humanist ceremony vows. Just a declaration that we take each other to be legally married.

ShakeaHettyFeather · 30/08/2020 17:52

It rarely goes well when a monogamous couple decide to open the relationship up, or if one person wants to shag others and the other doesn't. It can work, eg if the monogamous one has a time-consuming hobby, but not often.

We were non-monogamous from the start (he was meant to be a one-night-stand, then another one, and another...) After 20-odd years DP and I still get told it's just a phase.

We got married as the easiest way of forming a legally-recognised relationship, but no, we never promised to forsake all others. The non-legal celebration we vowed to support each other in all our relationships.

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