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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dad: deliberate sustained provocation?

49 replies

ManyBooksLittleTime · 30/08/2020 11:59

Hi there, I'm a first time poster a bit anxious about the replies I will get.

I attended the same school my dad taught at. At the time he hated the group of friends I hung around with. He was the big popular teacher that kids loved. I was very shy with a close group of about 12 friends that I hung around with for my 7 years at the school.

He retired 15 years ago. For the last 20 years he has been tracking my friends from school through social media. When we meet he waits til everyone is together and then starts talking about their lives. He has never discussed them in terms of them knowing me. I had very low self esteem and struggled to stay in touch with people. He communicated with some, found out bits of info from other people, spoke about them as they were his mates. I have never engaged and he knows it makes me angry. It also made me stop trying to stay in touch with most of my group.

He has either not taught this group at all or, (a few) taught them for one year when they were 13.

Last week we met up and he took things a whole stage further by pretending I didn't know two girls. He said ' Do you know an Isobell....do you know a Natalie?' ' He then told me all about the first one's sister and then where the other one lived, her house, partner etc. He taught one of these students 32 years ago for a year! We are all mid 40s now. These girls were my best friends and we were in each other's houses all of the time. I also went to uni with one for three
Years. He knows fully well I knew them. I also post on FB for one and he has probably read my posts. He is not friends with me on FB as I am limiting who he has access to.

He was intimidating and full of contempt for me as a child. AIBU? Please let me know what you think of this, it's been going on for decades!

OP posts:
jessstan2 · 30/08/2020 12:01

I think your dad is weird and needs to get a life. Tell him that.

PicsInRed · 30/08/2020 12:02

Abuser type "The Headworker".

QuacksInTheDark · 30/08/2020 12:03

Sorry but this sounds fucking weird. If I was contacted by a teacher from my old school I’d be very Confused. Why is he doing this? Is it because he knows it winds you up? What do your old friends think of him tracking them and treating them like old friends?

1starwars2 · 30/08/2020 12:04

He sounds very strange. Do you think it's his way of getting closer to you?
Have you ever called him out on it?

Original poster
ManyBooksLittleTime · 30/08/2020 12:23

My mum has told him it makes me really angry. I won't even enter a discussion with him about any of them.

A few he is friends with on FB, but over the years he has also got info from Friends Reunited etc

OP posts:
Original poster
ManyBooksLittleTime · 30/08/2020 12:24

I don't think they would know he talks about them as old friends.

OP posts:
madcatladyforever · 30/08/2020 12:26

I'm come right out with it and challenge him. He needs to know he is a complete twat. Preferably in front of other people.
I did this to my stepfather who always tries to make me feel like rubbish and it shut him up.

FedUpAtHomeTroels · 30/08/2020 12:26

He likes making you angry, he thinks it's funny to poke at you from they sound of it.
Why is he there when you meet your friends?
Call him on his bullshit. I'd block him from my social media and encourage your friends to do the same. He needs a hobby.

Heffalooomia · 30/08/2020 12:29

It gives him a feeling of power and control over you
he sounds like a piece of s* to me, I would either cut him out of my life or wind him up on purpose to get revenge

Heffalooomia · 30/08/2020 12:30

For the last 20 years he has been tracking my friends
Maybe take the piss out of him for being a weirdo stalker?

Heffalooomia · 30/08/2020 12:34

He was the big popular teacher that all the kids loved
He was intimidating and full of contempt for me as a child
So he was cold and cruel towards you but popular and fun and made himself lovable for all the other kids?
not satisfied with treating you badly he has to twist the knife by my treating all the other kids as if they are special
He's just trying to recreate that dynamic where he can be unpleasant to you and then use your friends to twist the knife
What a c*

justanotherneighinparadise · 30/08/2020 12:36

You could go the other way and ‘say no, never heard of them’, and when he tries to convince you they were your best friends you could say that he must be mistaken and blame his age.

Histrionicz · 30/08/2020 12:38

Is he taunting you with their perceived successes as a way of making you feel bad or low?

This is all really, really strange.

lockdownalli · 30/08/2020 12:42

Very strange indeed.

Can you limit contact?

TulipsAndLilacs · 30/08/2020 12:45

He sounds like a creepy, control freak stalker

ShouldWeChangeTheBulb · 30/08/2020 12:45
  • So he was cold and cruel towards you but popular and fun and made himself lovable for all the other kids? not satisfied with treating you badly he has to twist the knife by my treating all the other kids as if they are special He's just trying to recreate that dynamic where he can be unpleasant to you and then use your friends to twist the knife What a c* This^ Go no or low contact. He won’t change and his continued abuse will serve to lower your self esteem further. Sorry you had to grow up with this bastard as a father you deserve/deserved better.
Original poster
ManyBooksLittleTime · 30/08/2020 12:47

Hi, thanks s much for all of your responses. It was difficult knowing just how strange the behaviour was when my mum's response has been, 'well they're all on the internet'...

I can never call him out about it at the time as he always makes these comments on front of my kids and mentally handicapped sister
Any conflict and she would scream and cry. My kids do think it's really creepy behaviour though.

OP posts:
VettiyaIruken · 30/08/2020 12:49

These people he goes on about.
All women? Or does he stalk the blokes too?

VettiyaIruken · 30/08/2020 12:50

Posted too soon.
It is very creepy and I'd be wondering why he was behaving like this.

Original poster
ManyBooksLittleTime · 30/08/2020 12:52

Histriioncz- I definitely think he is trying to lower my self esteem. Nowadays though, I just think he's being an arsehole, it doesn't affect my self esteem any more
I think it is a type of fucked up one-up-manship
Just don't know why he bothers with it.

OP posts:
Original poster
ManyBooksLittleTime · 30/08/2020 12:55

They are all women. I don't think he has got in touch with all of them, but once friends with one on FB, you can look at profiles of others. He has discussed everyone over the years

OP posts:
PerpendicularVincent · 30/08/2020 12:57

He's horrible, and acting like a stalker - I would seriously consider just not seeing him. What does he add to your life?

AppleKatie · 30/08/2020 12:57

I would deny all knowledge of anyone he references (or go NC! But I realise it’s rarely as simple as that).

If you look baffled and say who? Or feign complete disinterest he’s lost his hook.

He’s just a sad retired teacher digging up ‘friends’ from the past.

Heffalooomia · 30/08/2020 13:00

My mum's response has been
I would suggest that her primary concern is making her day to day life tolerable, she will do or say whatever is necessary to placate him

Heffalooomia · 30/08/2020 13:03

He always makes these comments in front of....
or in other words he chooses to attack you when you are most vulnerable and cannot defend yourself
He's a piece of work isn't he ☹️