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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Dad: deliberate sustained provocation?

49 replies

ManyBooksLittleTime · 30/08/2020 11:59

Hi there, I'm a first time poster a bit anxious about the replies I will get.

I attended the same school my dad taught at. At the time he hated the group of friends I hung around with. He was the big popular teacher that kids loved. I was very shy with a close group of about 12 friends that I hung around with for my 7 years at the school.

He retired 15 years ago. For the last 20 years he has been tracking my friends from school through social media. When we meet he waits til everyone is together and then starts talking about their lives. He has never discussed them in terms of them knowing me. I had very low self esteem and struggled to stay in touch with people. He communicated with some, found out bits of info from other people, spoke about them as they were his mates. I have never engaged and he knows it makes me angry. It also made me stop trying to stay in touch with most of my group.

He has either not taught this group at all or, (a few) taught them for one year when they were 13.

Last week we met up and he took things a whole stage further by pretending I didn't know two girls. He said ' Do you know an Isobell....do you know a Natalie?' ' He then told me all about the first one's sister and then where the other one lived, her house, partner etc. He taught one of these students 32 years ago for a year! We are all mid 40s now. These girls were my best friends and we were in each other's houses all of the time. I also went to uni with one for three
Years. He knows fully well I knew them. I also post on FB for one and he has probably read my posts. He is not friends with me on FB as I am limiting who he has access to.

He was intimidating and full of contempt for me as a child. AIBU? Please let me know what you think of this, it's been going on for decades!

OP posts:

june2007 · 30/08/2020 13:12

Odd behaviour but failing to see how it s underminding you. He can look up who he wants on fb. Can you tell him how it can come across as creepy? Perhaps he is well aware or perhaps not.

SlowDown76mph · 30/08/2020 13:15

Could you casually ask him if he is aware that your friends find him creepy..? Good chance that they do.

WhatWouldYouDoWhatWouldJesusDo · 30/08/2020 13:19

Very weird but I don't get why you're so angry about it either

I think both of you are behaving oddly, stop being so invested in people you knew years ago. Just give a flippant ' can't remember them' and move onto something else.

QuacksInTheDark · 30/08/2020 13:34

Sorry I’ve totally misunderstood, I read it like he was actually in contact with these people and maintaining friendships with them.
I think he is definitely trying to wind you up OP. When he does this just play dumb and pretend you don’t know what he’s talking about, or better still just don’t be around him anymore, he clearly doesn’t care about you or your feelings.

Venicelover · 30/08/2020 13:39

OP he probably has nothing better to do now he is retired than to re live his 'glory days' and looking up former pupils on the net (especially if they have achieved success) will validate his career.

I would just smile and say 'goodness Dad, you haven't seen those people for so many years why do you feel the need to stalk them on the net?' That should shut him up.

chickennoodledoodle · 30/08/2020 13:42

Everyone else has said it already. He's behaving like a d**k. Either limit contact to bare minimum (or not at all) or better still, don't play his stupid game, then it around on him & if he tried to embarrass you by bringing it up in front of others, be brave & call him out by turning it back on him... or., who? Who you talking about? Are you stalking them? Why would you do that?... etc etc.. whatever. Just don't play the game anymore. Good luck

Atalune · 30/08/2020 13:47

I think when he says it you should say something like
“Oh yeah Nat- I went to uni with Nat, don’t you remember dad? Are you getting on a bit now, getting forgetful?! Silly old grandad- what’s he like kids eh?!”
And smile smile smile, and laugh. And brush it off.

He’s being ducking weird and I would LAUGH IN HIS FACE at his weirdness.

Or if he starts going on about it again you could say-

“Oh yeah Lucy- one of my old mates, now one of your Facebook besties- what’s with that?”

TheQueef · 30/08/2020 13:51

@PicsInRed

Abuser type "The Headworker".

Hits the nail on the head. You need to get away and cut contact, because he sounds to me like a pro. NC or limited and likely get some counselling I doubt you've grown up unscathed and have stuff to unpick.

Relationships would possibly be a better topic, lots of wise ones hang about there.

SoPanny · 30/08/2020 13:54

Oh my god, I’m sorry that you’re putting up with this as the daughter of a shithead but those other girls.... Christ, imagining any of my former teachers doing that to me gives me the huge ICK

HollowTalk · 30/08/2020 14:01

He sounds like such a creep. In fact you have to wonder whether he was dodgy in school as well.

Can you ask people to block him? Would they do that?

It's interesting that it's only young women that he's stalking online. If he was still in teaching then he could get into a lot of trouble for that.

missyB1 · 30/08/2020 14:03

I would pay him patronisingly on the arm or head, give a little chuckle, and say “oh dear dad all this obsessing about the past! Must be your age eh?” If he carries on then “yes yes dad whatever, time to move on now!” Then a very brisk change of subject.

He’s trying to wind you up, so make him out as slightly senile and put him on the back foot.

LonginesPrime · 30/08/2020 14:04

Why do you still socialise with him, OP? He sounds awful.

If you really feel the need to see him, start playing him at his own game - don't let on you're upset, and start taking an interest in his nonsense. Before he gets a chance to pull rank, ask "how is your friend Sasha doing, dad?". I would add "your friend" to every name you mention. People like this thrive on looking big and important, and their greatest fear is looking foolish.

Disfordarkchocolate · 30/08/2020 14:08

Oh that is so creepy. I'd struggle to deal with this too. It's definitely not normal.

lasttimeround · 30/08/2020 14:11

Narcissistic as fuck. What a nasty creepy shit he is. Ita all a power trip to help him feel big by making you feel small. The more you distance yourself the easier it will be to see through this. Your mother is enabling/placating him by making out his behaviour is normal. Its not. Its weird and its nasty.
Build a big mental wall, put him on the other side of it. And believe me your friends that you hung out with. Maybe they like him maybe they dont, but they tolerate more from him because they like you.

Wishihadanalgorithm · 30/08/2020 14:24

He sounds weird as fuck. I would distance myself from him - and your mum who is going along with this.

It doesn’t sound like either brings much to your life so I would cut contact right down.

DishingOutDone · 30/08/2020 14:28

That sounds like a very sad situation, I imagine you are forced to remain in contact with him due to your mum and sister? I'd go as low contact as possible. Have you ever had counselling about his behaviour? Are you on good terms with your mum?

Shizzlestix · 30/08/2020 14:32

I’d ask my friends to block him on fb, explain however you like.
No need for conflict in front of your dc/sister, when he starts up, quietly tell him he’s an idiot and ask why he enjoys being such a twat.

LadyLairdArgyll · 30/08/2020 15:08

this is weirder than weird, does he still think he's that cool Teacher, sounds like he clinging onto a past he cant move on from, to validate who he was/is.

Horrible man OP, he sounds like a deeply horrid man.

Original poster

ManyBooksLittleTime · 30/08/2020 15:13

Thanks for all of your advice. I am glad it's not just me that thinks it's odd and deliberately manipulative. I have struggled to discuss it with him as these are childhood friends and I thought I would just sound childish discussing it with him. I had thought about saying something like, 'Do you know a (friend of his)? I thought I would reach out and message him, but not let you know what I was writing, then discuss his life with you. I thought I would do this for a number of years and then pretend you didn't know him in the first place.'

The thing is, I would never follow through on this and would just look stupid and as bad as he is.

I like the suggestions of mentioning time and asking why he is following people he hasn't known for 30 years.

OP posts:

PigletJohn · 30/08/2020 15:15

I'd have thought that if you warned your friends an ex-teacher was stalking them, some, at least, would be willing to block him.

Original poster

ManyBooksLittleTime · 30/08/2020 15:21

When Friends Reunited first came out, I was really excited and added my post and read other people's postings. I went on it quite a bit then I forgot about it for weeks, possibly months. When I finally returned to it, my post had been hacked. After my job had been mentioned it was added, 'so I my supplement my earnings by working part-time as a prostitute'. I obviously removed it, but I don't know how many people had read it. I was mortified and dropped all contact with people from the school for years.

No one ever contacted me about it though. During this time, dad was discussing my friends with me. As the two were synonymous I have always linked them in my mind. I have always wondered if I left the site open at their house and he added it.

Obviously, this could never be proven, but it has always been at the back of my mind. More probably it was a random hoaxer and I feel guilty associating him with this. I will never know.

OP posts:

LadyLairdArgyll · 30/08/2020 15:41

OP as a very famous saying goes ...

Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.

He did it

ShouldWeChangeTheBulb · 30/08/2020 15:51

Of course he did it. Mentioning your friends his him shoving it in your face.

LonginesPrime · 30/08/2020 15:55

Obviously, this could never be proven, but it has always been at the back of my mind.

The fact it even crossed your mind should tell you everything you need to know about this person.

Why you'd waste any more time or energy on such an arsehole waste of space is beyond me. Get some therapy and stop letting him into your head to do more damage.

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