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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To give my boyfriend time apart

47 replies

Sparklydew · 30/08/2020 08:48

How does space/a break work in relationships? I’ve been with someone for almost two years, the last six months have been difficult due to a family terminal illness on his side, his work and his children. As a result we’ve only managed a few hours a week together and he’s struggling to even find that.

He made it clear he wants to be with me but the timing is wrong at the moment and asked for space where he’s not trying to fit me in. I’ve agreed but said that I don’t want to be chatting as normal whilst we aren’t seeing each other as it’s not giving him any time to decide what he wants from his future. We’ve agreed to talk in a month. I’ve no idea what the time scale will be for him to have more time to see me and neither does he.

It’s been six days now and I’m finding it so hard missing him and not talking to him. Is staying out of the way while he has the space he asked for the right thing to do?

OP posts:

Manolin · 30/08/2020 08:52

Yes definitely stay out the way.

When he is ready, you need to have a long chat about his work and his children. Do you think these will always overwhelm his life, or does he have the desire to create an appropriate balance?

JulesCobb · 30/08/2020 08:56

asked for space where he’s not trying to fit me in

Well, his children and his work are never going to go away, so you will never be more than someone he feels he has to fit in. He clearly isnt that in to you.

What is your life like without him? Good job? Friends? Social life with friends? Hobbies? Exercise?

Dont make him the centre of your world when you are someone he cannot fit in to his.

Original poster

Sparklydew · 30/08/2020 08:59

He has the desire for a proper future with me and my children but is currently stuck in a situation where he’s working long hours, looking after his dad at home who has terminal cancer and also has his children three nights a week. I’m not sure his long his dad has got left but the demands on his time are increasing all the time. I found it difficult rarely seeing him and never being able to make plans or do things together as a family unit with the children.

I see my future with him and want that as does he but we just aren’t getting anywhere. He puts everything above himself and his needs.

OP posts:

Original poster

Sparklydew · 30/08/2020 09:01

He is definitely into me, he would love a future where we live together and see out our years together. But he’s aware that he has little time currently and that the lack of time upsets me.

OP posts:

YoBeaches · 30/08/2020 09:02

Sorry to say it but I've never known having a break in a relationship to work . You have actually broken up. You're not important enough to him in his life where he needs you by his side during this problems. You're not his rock. Your not the light that helps him get through all this and provides him solace when he needs it. You are on the side, you are something else he has to 'fit in', and something that can be cut loose.

Which is exactly what he's done in a particularly cowardly way. This relationship is over, grieve and move on 💐

Original poster

Sparklydew · 30/08/2020 09:06

Even though he’s asked to see me again? And emphasised it isn’t a break up ? Maybe I’m being a fool.

OP posts:

crankysaurus · 30/08/2020 09:06

Given that he's looking after his dad on top of work and children, I'd say that the needs on his time are pretty full on and necessary but also, sadly, will lessen at some point and he'll have more time for you later. It's whether you are willing to wait. Life sounds quite hard for him at the moment but it won't be the same always.

seventhrow · 30/08/2020 09:08

I looked after my dying father last year for 3 months whilst also working long hours and it was honestly the hardest time of my life. I was also engaged (now married) and although I love my fiancé dearly it was impossible to prioritise him at this time. His life felt so separate and different to the horrid tunnel that I was in. Being with my partner was wonderful but it also became starkly apparent what different places we were in and sometimes it was harder to be with him than not to just concentrate on my immediate family situation. I was grieving, juggling, and that’s without small children to factor in.

Your poor DP is genuinely going through the toughest time of his life. The work situation doesn’t help - he may be working long hours to try and protect his job from the horrid Covid cull. Tell him how much you care, that you are completely here for him whenever he wants to do anything - to talk about it all or to talk about something else entirely. He’ll be grateful to you for not being pushy and for not making this about yourself. Whatever you do, do not make this about you. He’s having a truly truly shit time.

Original poster

Sparklydew · 30/08/2020 09:08

It is difficult for him, he sounds at the end of his tether and struggling to cope.

OP posts:

Angelina82 · 30/08/2020 09:09

Poor guy has so much on his plate at the moment. If I loved him and was sure that he was serious about me I would be telling him that I’ll always be there on the other end of the phone for him, not giving him ultimatums. His dad is dying fgs!

GhostCurry · 30/08/2020 09:10

It’s hard OP because there are extenuating circumstances (you both have kids, he has someone to care for). But I tend to agree with Beaches and Jules. I think in circumstances such as yours, if you really are serious about being a family, the norm would be to move in together fairly quickly once you’ve made that decision. The fact that you haven’t done this is significant. Did you both make a conscious choice to move slowly? If so, why? Because you leave yourself open to disunity. I think you should step back.

Porcupineinwaiting · 30/08/2020 09:11

I can see both sides. Caring for a dying father on top of work/kids is actually a pretty good reason to not have time for a girlfriend.

As for you, I think you are wise not to contact him. Spend a month prioritising yourself and what you want. You dont have to hang around waiting for him to be ready and you may find, that in a month, you are less bothered about a relationship with him. Or maybe you'll want to. Either way make decisions based on what is right to you.

seventhrow · 30/08/2020 09:11

than to just concentrate ...

Genuinely think the DP is just massively struggling here and just trying to keep head above water. He’s also trying to protect his kids from what’s happening to their granddad. It won’t be forever.

Florencex · 30/08/2020 09:11

I don’t think he really does see his future with you. Because if he did it would be easy to “fit you in”, that expression doesn’t feel right to me, as it makes you sound like a problem. Having you around during troubling times should make those times easier not more difficult.

He is either being a coward and hoping you will end it of he is testing the water without you but keeping you as a back up.

Dontmakemegoback2office · 30/08/2020 09:11

Prepare for the worst OP. I think most people have found that when someone wants a break it often means the beginning of the end. I hope not but remember if he isn’t the right person for you it will leave you free to find the person who is.

blagaaw99 · 30/08/2020 09:14

Aww, hang in there OP. Give him space and don't call him, but be there. Maybe make and drop off some homemade lasagne's or cottage pies, that would help him xxx

Original poster

Sparklydew · 30/08/2020 09:15

He hasn’t moved in here because he’s needed at his dads home and near to his children, I’d have loved that to have happened. I haven’t issued ultimatums for him, just that I don’t want to be downgraded to friend while he concentrates on the rest of his life. He has to make a choice as to what he wants from his life and having me there as his sounding board won’t help him to make that decision about our future. He has said he will be in touch in a month so I don’t know if messaging is right or wrong in terms of giving him time to think about what he wants from life.

OP posts:

Original poster

Sparklydew · 30/08/2020 09:18

Unfortunately the only way he can see me is by leaving his dad alone or missing shifts at work. Then he’s exhausted when we do meet. I’ve looked at his timetable and can see that he’s being genuine about the lack of time.

OP posts:

gamerchick · 30/08/2020 09:19

Personally I'd treat the relationship as over and carry on with life. He can't just put you in a cupboard until he's ready to use you again. It doesn't work.

If you're still single when the times up and he's sorted then great. I'd hazard a guess it'll be longer than a month though.

Crawlbee · 30/08/2020 09:19

It's understandable he wants space given all that is going on, but at the same time don't put your life on hold waiting to hear whether he can possibly fit you into it or not. Without being pessimistic, as a PP has said breaks rarely work, usually people seek support from their partner when they are struggling, or at least see spending time with them as a welcome escape; if you want to be with someone you don't need time away to reflect and see what you actually want. I am not saying he is, but do you think he is using it as an excuse to see someone else without the guilt, and then choose? This happened to a friend when we were younger, he basically wanted to spend time with someone else and then weighed up both behind the others backs before 'choosing'. He might not be of course, but I would be wary.

cantarina · 30/08/2020 09:20

Your message uses the word He a lot. It's him deciding when he will see you, him deciding you are taking a break. Think about what you want with faced with a partner who for whatever reason can't commit time to you now wants to take a break indefinitely and who in the end might decide it's not going to work out. Thinking rationally, what's the best next move for you?

JulesCobb · 30/08/2020 09:20

Don't message him. He doesnt want you to.

It is sensible you didnt blend your homes yet. So many people on here are moving partners in after a few months, with scant regard for the children.

You didnt say how full your life is without him. That worries me. As you could lower your expectations due to boredom or loneliness.

He has to make a choice as to what he wants from his life and having me there as his sounding board won’t help him to make that decision about our future
This makes it sound like he asked for space, not because he doesn't has time to ‘fit you in’, which was bad enough, but because he is deciding whether he actually wants this relationship.

WashedUpDriedOut · 30/08/2020 09:21

Okay. In a month or so, he will be in touch. Bit vague but then I suppose he has to be.

What are you going to do in that time?

Count down the days? Mooch? Potter?

Could you be energetic and pursue an active social life if you haven't already?

Start something new?

A new focus?

It's important for your sanity and your future, regardless of whether you reunite or not.

Crawlbee · 30/08/2020 09:21

But why can't he stay in contact even if he can't physically see you? Is he really too busy to phone or send a few messages? Plenty of couples go a while without seeing eachother either for work or personal reasons, but that's different to taking an actual break.

FlorenceNightshade · 30/08/2020 09:21

I think if he really saw a future with you you’d be right there by his side supporting and loving him through all of this. He’d think that you’d make it easier just by being there. The fact he’s asked for space tells me he doesn’t think of you as his anchor or his safe space. Time to reassess and move on OP, the chips are down and he’s made his choice.

You deserve someone who can’t live without you not someone who is happy to not communicate with you for a month

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