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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To give my boyfriend time apart

47 replies

Sparklydew · 30/08/2020 08:48

How does space/a break work in relationships? I’ve been with someone for almost two years, the last six months have been difficult due to a family terminal illness on his side, his work and his children. As a result we’ve only managed a few hours a week together and he’s struggling to even find that.

He made it clear he wants to be with me but the timing is wrong at the moment and asked for space where he’s not trying to fit me in. I’ve agreed but said that I don’t want to be chatting as normal whilst we aren’t seeing each other as it’s not giving him any time to decide what he wants from his future. We’ve agreed to talk in a month. I’ve no idea what the time scale will be for him to have more time to see me and neither does he.

It’s been six days now and I’m finding it so hard missing him and not talking to him. Is staying out of the way while he has the space he asked for the right thing to do?

OP posts:

JulesCobb · 30/08/2020 09:23

Unfortunately the only way he can see me is by leaving his dad alone or missing shifts at work
Who looks after his dad when he is at work?

What are his living conditions when he isnt staying with his dad?

GhostCurry · 30/08/2020 09:26

“I think if he really saw a future with you you’d be right there by his side supporting and loving him through all of this. He’d think that you’d make it easier just by being there.”

Agree

Velvian · 30/08/2020 09:27

I think you could be messaging to check he is OK. Are you able to help him out at all?

I think also in normal times, it would be perfectly valid to not want to blend families, but still be in a committed relationship. I wouldn't ever want to blend families while my kids were growing up. It rarely works out well.

user1493494961 · 30/08/2020 09:28

I can't understand why you still can't be in touch, surely he could make time for a text or phone call. I think he's trying to let you down gently.

LuaDipa · 30/08/2020 09:28

My dh has an extremely busy job and works very long hours, but has a rule that if he is within 3 hours of home he comes home no matter what time it is. He is often exhausted after arriving home in the early hours and then getting up early for work the next day. I haven’t imposed this, in fact I have told him often that should just stay in a hotel, but he would rather see us than not, even if it’s just for a quick breakfast.

I can’t imagine a situation where he would ever not want to see me for a month. If his beloved df was ill he would need me more. I’m sorry but he isn’t that into you.

Aweebawbee · 30/08/2020 09:29

I always think that 'taking a break' is just someone hedging their bets. If life is fine without the hard work of dealing with you as a partner, or if they find someone else, then he can let you go. If not then he can pull you back in.

YoBeaches · 30/08/2020 09:29

So he wants to be with you and have a future with you as a family, but also
He has to make a choice as to what he wants from his life and having me there as his sounding board won’t help him to make that decision about our future.

What choice? He has no choice in his parenting, working or dying father which he's given as reasons to not see you. He only has a choice to be with you - and has chosen not to be.

He's given you the classic
'it's not, you it's me'
' The timing is bad right now'
'I want a future with you but not sure I can make it work'

If he loved you, after 2 years together, you'd be in his centre working through all of this together. But you're not - he's done the opposite and said he doesn't want to see you. He doesn't need you. You're and extra thing on his list of things to do.

If he makes contact in a month at all it will be to officially end it but I'm not convinced you'll ever hear from him again.

MonsteraDeliciosa · 30/08/2020 09:39

I’m sorry, OP, I agree with others that he’s just not that into you.
I’ve had some difficult times in life (haven’t we all?) but never felt the need to shut people out completely, even if I had less time to see them. I certainly can’t imagine shutting out people I love - they’re the ones who keep you going.

He’s really not sure if he wants you in his life if he is, as you say, trying to make a decision about your future together. Don’t just stand there ready to do his bidding whenever he sees fit, bobbing up and down doing the “pick me” dance; go and find someone who does want you.

Elieza · 30/08/2020 09:54

Yeah it’s a tough time for him for sure.

I can see three potential sides of this.

He’s either:

wanting to dump you and this is a good excuse.

worried out if his mind and just can’t take the pressure of having to reply to your messages or phone you or whatever when he’s not in that headspace and doesn’t want to drag you into his world of pain as he feels he’s an island and needs to deal with this alone.

Or he doesn’t see you as being a hundred percent The One for him but he’s not sure as his heads mince just now so he is going to deal with the dad situation just now and see how he feels about you later. He doesn’t want to dump you in case you are The One but he will if he decides later you’re not.

I’d suggest you wait a month and see if he contacts you or not. Do not contact him as he specifically asked you not to. If he hasn’t replied in a month post back here and we can see what advice comes back!

Chloemol · 30/08/2020 09:57

Sorry but I think he is just paying lip service with the fact he wants to see you but it’s too hard at the moment big he truly wanted a relationship he would want you by his side supporting him. Either by you popping in to help him, or by him calling to speak to you to help relieve the stress of looking after someone with a terminal illness and three kids

Appreciate he has a lot on his plate, but say you do continue the relationship what’s going to happen down the line if life becomes stressful again? Another break?

Start moving forward now and really think about what you want, and if he can’t provide it nows the time to split

makingmammaries · 30/08/2020 10:49

He might be someone who just needs to retreat emotionally when he has so much difficult stuff going on.

The ideal thing would be to detach, ignore and see when he gets in touch. The problem being that he probably behaves like this every time things get really difficult. Is that something you want to live with?

Barrowmanfan22 · 30/08/2020 10:54

@JulesCobb

asked for space where he’s not trying to fit me in

Well, his children and his work are never going to go away, so you will never be more than someone he feels he has to fit in. He clearly isnt that in to you.

What is your life like without him? Good job? Friends? Social life with friends? Hobbies? Exercise?

Dont make him the centre of your world when you are someone he cannot fit in to his.

Unecessarily catty. I'd imagine it is more likely he means fitting her in around his dying father - which unfortunately will change.

JulesCobb · 30/08/2020 10:58

Not at all catty. People in good relationships do not ask for their partner to not contact for them for a month. They just dont do that.

Rewis · 30/08/2020 11:14

Why was the break needed? Could you still be in a relationship and chat on the phone/text without actually seeing each other? I can understand that he is going through a lot and might not be able to meet up and needing to prioritize the father.

I'm a bit worried that his reaction was to have a break. Will this be his reaction down the line when things get hard? Unless there is a back story of OP saying that she would like to meet up like they used to?

I think breaks can be good in some occasions. When members of the couple actually take it to reflect their lives. In this case since it is a month, I would not be in contact and take this time to evaluate your relationship. Also be prepared for a break up.

Rewis · 30/08/2020 11:22

I take back a bit what I said earlier. I re-read
He has to make a choice as to what he wants from his life
So it's not really about him feeling overwhelmed about taking care of dad? What does this mean that he has to think about what he wants if he is clear that he wa ts to be with you?

But he’s aware that he has little time currently and that the lack of time upsets me.
Does it upset you? Or would you be happy with calls and text and not seeing each other but not being on a break?

Original poster

Sparklydew · 30/08/2020 12:04

I suspect it’s the end reading between the lines, he’s just keeping his options open and it hurts so much.

OP posts:

Barrowmanfan22 · 30/08/2020 13:59

@JulesCobb

Not at all catty. People in good relationships do not ask for their partner to not contact for them for a month. They just dont do that.

He didn't. It's the OP who said she couldn't contact him if she wasn't with him.

Rewis · 30/08/2020 14:20

@Sparklydew

I suspect it’s the end reading between the lines, he’s just keeping his options open and it hurts so much.

You do not have to wait for his decision. You can make your own. Not knowing you guys, it so possible that the month is good time to reflect and you can come back stronger. But it requires that both have really thought things out and are really ready to prove that they are innit. But it can also be a initial break up so it is easier to call it quits in a month.

JulesCobb · 30/08/2020 14:27

@Barrowmanfan22 not sure why you're intent on derailing the thread by being constantly snipey, rather than actually offering the op some support, which you have chosen not to do at all, but where did I say who asked for the month of no contact in the post you’ve quoted? You've literally quoted me and then put new words into my mouth.

bigchris · 30/08/2020 14:35

Have you met each other's children?

WashedUpDriedOut · 30/08/2020 15:35

If you think it's the end for him and he's just keeping his options open, what are you going to do?

I wouldn't make a drama personally.

I would just assume you'll not hear from
him again and move on.

And if he does call you, don't be too ready to fall into his arms with gratitude.

cloudbusting42 · 30/08/2020 17:07

I know how hard this is, and I think you're handling it well. You seem calm and boundaried when internally you must be going through a tumultuous mix of emotions. It's so frustrating to be sidelined when the thing you most want to do is talk. But now's not the right time for answers.

Six days in, I think you're entitled to drop him a how are you text. Depending on how that's met, you might also want to briefly (and lightly) tell him how it's going for you - like saying that you're missing the day to day contact but will respect his request for space. And any other expectations you need to set, like that you'll check in again at the end of Sept but until then you'll be out of contact. Use the time as PPs have said. A bit of self-reflection and doing some of the stuff you don't normally have time to do.

You might find that the month changes things for you too. IME, the brain hates cognitive dissonance so might throw up thoughts and feelings about how he's maybe not the right one for you.

Either way, you'll have acted in a loving way. The relationship might come back stronger or may fizzle, but you'll have learned something.

It may also be that he's so assured and happy with how things are going with you that he thinks the r'ship is strong enough to be demoted for a time. This brings its own risks of course.

Good luck.

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