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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To NOT have another mum ring me and demand I keep my son away from her son in class, because HER son hits mine?

78 replies

ScaryScaryNight · 05/10/2007 17:07

She rang in outrage 3.30 pm on a friday afternoon. Again she had been told her son had been nasty to mine, and she demanded I say the following to my son: "Can you STOP playing with X because X's mum says so?".

I am pretty shook up, she was very rude. Her son is my sons best friend in class, and sometimes they squibble. And sometimes her son pushes mine, kids do that. My son is also the only child her child plays with. She says she rather her son have NO friends in school, than a friend that provokes him to nasty ness, as it will not be good for his record.

She also referred to an incident last year where her son had pushed my sons drinking bottle up his mouth so my sons lip split, and this ended up on her sons record card "So thank you very much for that one" she said to me!

I rang the school after wanting to hear what happened today from his teacher, but got to talk to Headmistress. I have a meeting with her on monday morning to discuss. Dont really know what to think about all this.

This woman is demanding my son and her son is not talking in class. They should be completely separated, as her son needs to focus on his grades and his school work. They are in year 1. Opinions please?

OP posts:

Desiderata · 05/10/2007 22:50

Oh, God. You're kidding me. He was crouching down ...

You need to mention that when you see the Head on Monday morning. The poor boy is quite obviously being hit, which is why he's transferring it onto your son. It's the only control over his life he gets all day.

Will you please email me on Monday and let me know the outcome of your conversation?

Original poster

ScaryScaryNight · 05/10/2007 22:52

I will Desi. I am not looking forward to that meeting. I shall have to tell Headmistress that he said his mum would come and slap my sons bottom, too.

OP posts:

Original poster

ScaryScaryNight · 05/10/2007 22:53

I mean, if she can treat him like that in PUBLIC, what does she do when she comes home?

OP posts:

ToadieG1 · 05/10/2007 22:54

What an awful sitatution, that poor boy Mother sounds horrendous.

TheArmadillo · 05/10/2007 22:55

SOunds like a really fucked up family.

I would worry about what is going on at home, especially with the idea that if you hit someone it is their fault for provoking you. Is often used as justification for domestic violence.

I would tell headteacher about the phonecall, and maybe call NSPCC for advice about what to do over violence towards teh child.

Very sad situation.

Original poster

ScaryScaryNight · 05/10/2007 22:57

She is a single parent.
But the "you provoked me" line would still work. I guess that is how she justifys to herself what she does to him.

OP posts:

choosyfloosy · 05/10/2007 23:05

What a horrendous story. I hope that you find a way to talk to the school about this, Scary; or social services, or someone?

Starbear · 05/10/2007 23:08

Scary, I agree with cheeset. Try and enjoy the weekend with your son. On Monday go to the meeting but prepare a treat for yourself afterwards to cheer yourself up. Coffee magazine & cake does it for me

cheeset · 05/10/2007 23:31

This is too much stress for you to deal with on your own, talking to the head should share the strain.

For you to be thinking about her kid and his upbringing, your childs needs/friendship over the next 6 yrs in primary and an aquaintance with her whilst at school- all too much scary.

You need to turn the comp off and sit for a bit and unwind?

xxawwhugsHUNniKERMUNKERxx · 06/10/2007 01:26

SSN, what a horrible situation - poor little boy I think you've been amazing, really - lots of mothers would be v defensive of their child being hurt and not want to bother with the other little lad.

I have a vision of him cowering out of the way of this lunatic though - the woman who's meant to protect him - and all she's doing is fucking up his friendships and his ability to socialise

Talk to the head, say you're worried about the effect this woman's having on her son and that you really feel she needs assistance - especially mention the cowering and what he said to your son about his mum coming to smack him, but also the aggression she showed to you on the phone.

There are people who can help her to have a better relationship with her son - but it sounds like she's slipped through the net so far

sKerryMum · 06/10/2007 01:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 06/10/2007 09:00

OH SSN....you sound lovely and thoughtful and caring.

I fear, in the same situation, I may not be able to control my frustration at the situation. It wouldnt make me much better than her, but, at least I'd be picking on someone my own size.

When you have your meeting - give names of witnesses to her hitting her son, and previous confrontations with other mothers. Lay it on thick. This boy needs friends and allies and his mother needs help of some description.

missgrisly · 06/10/2007 09:08

Oh SSN, this whole story is so sad Poor little boy (hers, not yours)

What chance does he have in life with a mother like that?

Monkeytrousers · 06/10/2007 09:09

My god - if you have seen him hitting her child can't social services be called? They wouldn't take him away but might get her to get help!

Original poster

ScaryScaryNight · 06/10/2007 09:33

I think I shall tell Headmistress all episodes that I have witnssed over the past year, and say that after this episode I am considering calling social services.

It is wrong on so many levels.

Her son crouches down expecting to be hit when she starts yelling at him.

She blames MY SON that her son is being provoked to hit my son, so MY son is to blame for any violence towards him.

This tells me that this woman blames her own child for provoking HER to hit him, so HE is to blame for being hit, she is not guilty for hitting as she was provoked. Does anybody else see the logic in this? Or is it just me?

I did not see her hit him, I saw her push him, and raise her hand as if going to.

I agree she needs help both adressing her temper, unreal expectations of a 5 year old, and her discipline strategies.

Will I be out of line for suggesting contacting social services to the headmistress?

OP posts:

VeniVidiVickiQV · 06/10/2007 09:35

Not at all SSN. Can you round up support/witness statements before the meeting?

Desiderata · 06/10/2007 09:38

I would simply lay down your side of things before the Headmistress, and see what conclusions she arrives at.

Historically, a school's approach has been to try to coax the child into talking about their home life before progressing further.

Original poster

ScaryScaryNight · 06/10/2007 09:43

Venividi, I dont think I can do that, 1) the meeting is on monday morning before class, and 2) we are dealing with a small Catholic Faith school with a very close knit community. I think many parents have their own views about this mum, as she is known for her temper, but I dont think anybody would write out statements that could result in something "nasty" for her. It would be seen as taking sides.

Desi, yes I agree.

My husband came back last night and he was livid when I told him. He wants to ask for a meeting with us, Headmistress and this woman, to avoid any "my word against your" situations.... and to prevent it from escalating further with this woman ranting down the phone to me again.

OP posts:

cheeset · 06/10/2007 09:50

I think that a meeting with the woman there is a bad idea, if her temper is that bad, she might flare up and it will get out of hand.

It will be more beneficial if you could present the case as you have experienced it, then leave it to the head-they have support networks in place and have guidelines for this kind of thing.

Just not nice thinking about that poor boy with his mum, even like this morning....

Bringing up children is hard enough but to take on other peoples problems is so stressful isn't it?
Good Luck SSN, thinking of you.

fawkeoff · 06/10/2007 09:51

she seems to have major anger issues, and thislittle boy is bearing the grunt of her troubles with violence.It is scary to think what happens behind closed doors if she can blatantly hit her son in public.I think you handled the phone call very well, i dont think i could have done the same thing if i had a trout like her screaming down my ear hole.I really do think that you should contact social services as this little boy is obviously suffering physical and emotional abuse at the hands of this woman

Original poster

ScaryScaryNight · 06/10/2007 12:23

I am hearing you both. Just mulling things over and will write a letter to take with me.

OP posts:

Monkeytrousers · 06/10/2007 14:38

I'd mention it to the head and ask for advice re social services - just so the idea has been mooted.

But do whatever you feel is right. Good luck.

Original poster

ScaryScaryNight · 08/10/2007 08:02

Wish me luck, suddenly worried....

OP posts:

bamamama · 08/10/2007 08:12

SSN, have followed this thread but not yet commented. I just wanted to wish you luck this morning and let's hope this is the begining of a turnaround for this poor little boy (obv. hers not yours!)

GreebosWhiskers · 08/10/2007 08:30

Scary - I've just found this thread & have been reading your posts with my jaw on the keyboard. This woman sounds like an utter loon (as I believe may already have been said).

Well done for the way you handled the phone call & I think it's fantastic that you feel for & want to help the other little boy (who has apparently hurt your son a few times) rather than just writing him off. I agree with others re asking for the head's views on getting social services involved - the thought of a 5 year old cowering in expectation of a blow from his own mum is horrific - just so

Good luck for your meeting today & hopefully this woman will gets the help she obviously needs to actually care for her son.

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