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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To NOT have another mum ring me and demand I keep my son away from her son in class, because HER son hits mine?

78 replies

ScaryScaryNight · 05/10/2007 17:07

She rang in outrage 3.30 pm on a friday afternoon. Again she had been told her son had been nasty to mine, and she demanded I say the following to my son: "Can you STOP playing with X because X's mum says so?".

I am pretty shook up, she was very rude. Her son is my sons best friend in class, and sometimes they squibble. And sometimes her son pushes mine, kids do that. My son is also the only child her child plays with. She says she rather her son have NO friends in school, than a friend that provokes him to nasty ness, as it will not be good for his record.

She also referred to an incident last year where her son had pushed my sons drinking bottle up his mouth so my sons lip split, and this ended up on her sons record card "So thank you very much for that one" she said to me!

I rang the school after wanting to hear what happened today from his teacher, but got to talk to Headmistress. I have a meeting with her on monday morning to discuss. Dont really know what to think about all this.

This woman is demanding my son and her son is not talking in class. They should be completely separated, as her son needs to focus on his grades and his school work. They are in year 1. Opinions please?

OP posts:
Fireflyfairy2 · 05/10/2007 17:58

Actually, does he hit/slap other children, or is it just your son?

Original poster
ScaryScaryNight · 05/10/2007 18:05

My child isnt bullying, her child is. My son gets into squibles and the odd playfight like children do, but he doesnt punch other children in their stomachs. The teacher HAS NEVER taken me aside and told me my son has ever started anything, they have apologetically made me aware that other children (most notably her child) has been naughty to mine.

I am upset that I have had a 20 minute phonecall out of the blue by a raving lunatic saying my son is provoking nastyness in his. I listened. I was shaking, but I did not once raise my voice to her. She kept interrupting, and I had to tell her "Listen, I have been listening to what you have to say, now can you please show me the same courtesy and listen without screaming at me." I told her, I found her very rude to call me in such a manner and tell me how to parent MY child, because she has a problem controlling hers. I asked her if she really thought that her sons behaviour would be diffrent if he was playing with other children. I also told her I would not do as she said and tell my son to stop playing with hers as my son regards her son as his best friend, it would be counter productive. She cut me off, and shouted "LISTEN WOMAN" if you dont comply with me I will have to take it further with Headmistress. Again I had to calm her down and ask that she please let me continue speaking without shouting. So I told her that the best way foreward, because you cannot start and execute a revolution in 24 hours, you need to give it some time, is for us both to encourage our sons to play with other children, by arranging playdates with others they make refocus their friendship onto somebody else.

Her reply? But your son is the only child who wants to play with my son.

I really am struggling to comprehend all this.

OP posts:
Original poster
ScaryScaryNight · 05/10/2007 18:08

No, he also does it to a girl they both play with a lot. And she has also told the girls mum she has to keep her daughter away from her son. It is too absurd for words.

OP posts:
xXxamyxXx · 05/10/2007 18:08

nutter!

serendippity · 05/10/2007 18:10

Wow, how horrid for you. Dd has yet to start nursery so no experiance or much advice, but i think you're right to speak to the head, not that i'm sure seperation is the right way to go but if it comes to it, shouldn't it be her son to go not yours?

dustystar · 05/10/2007 18:11

I feel so sad for her poor little boy. It seems to me she would rather he had no friends so that he couldn't hurt anyone and get into trouble rather than make an effort to address the boys problems herself.

I have an overly aggressive child and every bloody day is a battle at the moment but thats beacuse we are trying so hard to help him behave appropriately so he can have feinds and be happy.

I am shocked and really angry that she would rather he was friendless.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 05/10/2007 18:12

Like mother like son.

Original poster
ScaryScaryNight · 05/10/2007 18:22

Dustystar, last year my son had problems with another boy in the class who had big roblems adjusting. His mum phoned me and apologised, and we thought the best approach was to make sure his and my son did a few playdates together to become comfortable with eachother, just the two of them in familiar surroundings. It worked a treat, and it helped her son settle.

OP posts:
dustystar · 05/10/2007 18:23

How very sad that this boy's mum doesn't take the same approach. You sound lovely by the way

glaskham · 05/10/2007 18:26

its so sad that this woman hasn't got the decency to just tell her boy off in a normal way (ie non-aggressive) and tell him that if he keeps doing it then he'll not be able to be friends with your little boy any more. its such a shame when children behave like this and it does all stem down to how the parents are with them!! you should just tell your little man that if he keeps hurting him you think he should find other friends instead!! i think thats what i'd do, but what a cheek to phone you and blame your son!!

dustystar · 05/10/2007 18:32

Glaskham - its not always due to how parents are with them. My ds is like this beacuse he has SN. However, unless I told you or you had experience with children with SN you probably wouldn't know it. He gets loads of support though at home and at school - he just struggles to get it right. Obviously Scary's situation seems to be very different but as a Mum of a child who often approaches friends inappropriately I wanted to say that its not always as clear cut as it seems on the surface.

Original poster
ScaryScaryNight · 05/10/2007 18:42

Dustystar, that must be very hard for you. You are obviously a sensible woman, but this woman seems to have lost it a little bit.

OP posts:
dustystar · 05/10/2007 18:44

Yes scary i think you are right- she has lost it.

Original poster
ScaryScaryNight · 05/10/2007 21:05

I just spoke to another mum, apparently she gave her son a good lashing outside the school gates. I am still feeling so upset.

OP posts:
browniedropout · 05/10/2007 21:17

I feel that the mother who saw the child being hit by the mum must phone children's services for the area. When children in junior school there is a chance that both mum and child can learn new communication/discipline methods. Social services don't take children away for one off incidents, but are trying to help parents going through bad stuff, or with bad parenting experiences to change their parenting styles early enough to break the patterns.

SueBarooeeooeeooooo · 05/10/2007 21:46

It certainly sounds like she needs medication some help with her temper and parenting skills. The poor boy. Feeling very for him.

Tortington · 05/10/2007 21:48

what a fruitcake. you should say in much posh voice " oh do fuck off dear"

Screaminglips · 05/10/2007 21:56

my god!!! im shocked to read your posts ...You must stand to your grounds and dont let this mad woman bully you .

I DO hope i do NOT come across one of them types!!!!!!!

MsHighwater · 05/10/2007 22:13

She sounds like a bully.

I feel very sorry for her son as well as for you.

She definitely sounds like she needs help.

Original poster
ScaryScaryNight · 05/10/2007 22:22

I think she must have mental health problems to behave like that.

OP posts:
Desiderata · 05/10/2007 22:32

Yes, she would appear to have mental health problems.

What a curious, what a difficult situation, Starry. I don't know where to begin.

So, let's begin with the children, because they're the most important. Your ds and her ds are friends. Any adult intervention will be confusing at what is a crucial stage of emotional development for children.

I have to ask this. Do you think this child has SN? Or does he simply have a special need for his mother to stop being a twat?

What's your take on this little lad?

Starbear · 05/10/2007 22:41

So sorry to hear your situation.
The best people to give you advice would be the school. Not only the Head but the class teacher and the dinner ladies. Sorry, play ground assistants. I would take on board their observations. They might have some sort of plan. This might not be over in a week or so, it might need small steps to improve the relationship between your son and this sad boy. Make sure you have you ear open to the fact that in the future this boy might bully yours or lead him into trouble I'm sure they will give you options. Personally, I wouldn't want anyone in my family to have anything to do with this woman she trouble I would be polite but ignore her. If she calls again say you are not prepare to discuss this matter on the phone but through the school. If this is an on going problem keep a diary of events date time place. So you have all your facts straight in you mind and use it to point out facts in the future to the school. Make sure that conversations are recorded verbatim so they can't wiggle out by saying I didn't say that. Sorry it so long and hope it helps

Original poster
ScaryScaryNight · 05/10/2007 22:45

Desi, he is lovely. He is not naughty. Children sometimes lash out, and if he does, it is because he has learnt it at home..

I think his mum needs to losen up. She said that if the punishment the school gives him isnt working (keeping him in during breaktime) they clearly need to give harsher punishment.

The poor boy was crouching down, protecting his head with his arms when she started yelling at him.

OP posts:
Original poster
ScaryScaryNight · 05/10/2007 22:48

Starbear, they are best friends, their relationship is really good. The teacher and the classroom assistant told me only a few days ago how well they play together and how good that they have eachother.
Only that sometimes this boy lashes out. I think this is the behaviour he has learnt at home. And now, because of this, she is angry with me and my son because he is led astray by my boy.

OP posts:
cheeset · 05/10/2007 22:49

I feel for you ScaryScaryNight. It's so hard to relax down after something like this has happened, it plays over and over in your head.This would be MAJOR STRESS to me.

I wouldn't want have anything to do with her now as it would be a matter of time before something else happens.

Wait till Monday, let the school take the strain, youv'e been through enough today.