Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you see not having to deal with DSC as a positive of leaving your relationship?

36 replies

LonelySpider · 29/08/2020 09:40

There's a few issues going on at the moment for me and DH that I won't go into massively here.

But one thing I've been thinking recently is how good it would feel if I left to just have to deal with me and my DC rather than DSC too.

Now I know that doesn't sound very nice but let me clarify why.... I really do like my DSC but I have fallen into the typical default mother role when they are with us and tbh it's draining and while it doesn't cause resentment toward the children themselves, it does breed some annoyance.

I look after them alone all the time, I do everything for them in the house, I'm the only person who does anything with them on a weekend, I'm the one they come to now for anything because they know their dad is useless.

I've tried to just stop but it's too difficult when you have your own DC in the house too. I can't just not make them dinner when I'm cooking or not wash their clothes when I'm doing my DCs. I can't just sit there and watch them sleep in bed sheets that haven't been changed for however long because DH is too lazy to do it whilst my DC have theirs changed, I can't just take my DC out and leave them sat in the living room while their dad naps.

I feel like I've got a bunch of children that I'm solely responsible for that I never asked for.

I understand the whole 'you married a man with kids' and I've built a good relationship with them and was happy to help. But no I didn't expect to become a default parent and have all their care essentially passed onto me.

I feel like if I left it would be a massive relief to only have myself and my DC to think about (I only have 1) and honestly I feel like I'd just be glad not to have the responsibility anymore.

I was talking to my mother about it and she's of the 'its not the children's fault, would you not feel bad leaving them knowing their father wasn't going to do much with/for them' train of thought. Like yes to a degree I would but I just think it's not my responsibility to stay because of that is it? And tbh, as much as I do like them I probably wouldn't want to get into a situation where I still saw them regularly after a split (my DC is their half sibling so I can see that being suggested already).

OP posts:
Original poster
LonelySpider · 29/08/2020 09:44

Damn, I just realised this posted twice. Nothing seemed to happen when I clicked post on the first thread so I moved it over here. Woops!

OP posts:
FindingNeverland1 · 29/08/2020 09:49

Are you leaving because you no longer want to be in a relationship with their father?

Original poster
LonelySpider · 29/08/2020 09:51

Yes but I've been thinking that this is one of the most attractive things to me of being on my own.

OP posts:
ILoveFood87 · 29/08/2020 09:51

YANBU I don't and would not do all that. They are my partners kids not mine. If they are here it's to spend bonding time with him not me, though obvs I do spend some time with them (we have no kids together but would be same if we did). I mean, he may say he wants to go to football when they are here which he obviously can't as I'm not watching his kids on one of his days. Its their day together he can do his things when they are with their mum. I'm not their babysitter. I've never had them alone in nearly 5 years. Not my responsibility. You sound like a saint.

Crayfishforyou · 29/08/2020 09:51

I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with someone who didn’t actively look after their own children so yanbu.

nosswith · 29/08/2020 09:54

I can relate to that having ended a relationship because I did not want to be a step-parent to some potential DSC who were anything but.

Original poster
LonelySpider · 29/08/2020 09:54

I just don't see any other way. How could I possibly just go on strike or anything like that when I'm looking after my own DC. Like I say, I can't just sit there and watch DSC not have their pyjamas washed ever or things like that whilst I do it all for my DC. The only way to ever get away from this default mother role I've found myself in is to leave so H has no choice but to deal with his children.

I've never had them alone in nearly 5 years

I wish. They honestly spend more time with me than they do him.

OP posts:
Original poster
LonelySpider · 29/08/2020 09:58

Thing is, he was on his own for a while before he met me and they survived so I know he can look after them. He just chooses not to now because mug is here to do it.

I just feel like I can't do anything without dragging a group of kids with me. I can't just take my DC out for the day and leave the DSC bored out of their heads at home because their dad won't do anything with them. I feel too bad.

OP posts:
RandomTree · 29/08/2020 09:59

YANBU at all. A lot of aspects of parenting are quite boring (all the cooking, cleaning etc that you mention) - we do it because of the unconditional love for our children not because we actually enjoy it. If they are step children you don't necessarily have the unconditional love (although of course some step parents do build that relationship) and you feel doubly resentful about your lazy husband when they're his kids not yours.

RandomTree · 29/08/2020 10:01

Your mum sounds a bit old fashioned.

Original poster
LonelySpider · 29/08/2020 10:01

I'd be interested to hear from the few who voted YABU.

you feel doubly resentful about your lazy husband when they're his kids not yours

This is what I've fallen into now. Just constantly feeling annoyed because they are his kids not mine. It's not nice but it's a product of the way I've been treated. They aren't my responsibility, they aren't my children. It's really annoying!

OP posts:
Original poster
LonelySpider · 29/08/2020 10:02

@RandomTree

Your mum sounds a bit old fashioned.
She can be unfortunately.
OP posts:
Porcupineinwaiting · 29/08/2020 10:02

Sounds reasonable to me. The only thing I'd ask is, how much does he do for your children (you dont mention that)? If, fe, he supports them financially, then you doing his kids washing or changing their beds doesnt sound do bad.

But to be honest, by the time it's got to you tallying up everything for his kids and your kids the whole thing sounds dead in the water.

Original poster
LonelySpider · 29/08/2020 10:03

My child is his child. I also work full time so be doesn't financially support me. I'm not a SAHM or anything.

We have this argument often that I feel he does nothing to help in the house, that includes with our joint DC.

OP posts:
Porcupineinwaiting · 29/08/2020 10:04

Oh I see. And yes, I totally see that that would grate.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 29/08/2020 10:05

YANBU. I'm not a stepmother but I'm speaking from the other side as I'm divorced and my DS has a stepmother. I categorically do NOT expect her to play the role of a parent, and while obviously it is nice that she does things with DS and involves him, it is down to my ex to do the bulk of the parenting. If my ex was behaving like your husband and leaving his partner to do all the work I'd be having words with him! In your situation I would do the same.

Thepilotlightsgoneout · 29/08/2020 10:06

Is he also a shit father with your DC?

singersarp · 29/08/2020 10:07

Sod that OP. You've been roped in as the nanny and chief bottle washer. Write it all down on a rota and stick it on the fridge. Initial each task you do for the kids and ask him which ones he's going to do. If he refuses you honestly should go. He's a prick OP.

converseandjeans · 29/08/2020 10:09

Not really a reason to stay - but if you have DC together & it's his access weekend then all 4 children will have a rubbish time with no activities or clean clothes. He sounds useless & could be why his previous relationship didn't work out.
YANBU however.

RhymesWithOrange · 29/08/2020 10:10

Sounds like you will be much better off without him. And you'll be doing the SC a favour and he'll HAVE to step up when you're gone.

In the meantime I'd just plan a lot of activities out with your DC and your family, leave before your SC arrive.

Do you speak to the children's mother?

RhymesWithOrange · 29/08/2020 10:11

@converseandjeans

Not really a reason to stay - but if you have DC together & it's his access weekend then all 4 children will have a rubbish time with no activities or clean clothes. He sounds useless & could be why his previous relationship didn't work out. YANBU however.

He can do it, he has done it in the past, he just chooses not to now there's a woman to do it for him.

Phoenix21 · 29/08/2020 10:12

That he is a shit father to my own child would be enough for me to leave. The DSC are a secondary issue really.

sunset900 · 29/08/2020 10:19

I was in a similar situation, with my ex continuing to arrange his life freely assuming I would be available to have DSC. When I stopped being compliant I was told I was being unsupportive. I had very little issue with doing things for DSC but found I could not respect a man who could be so utterly selfish. Now I am responsible only for myself and DC life is so much simpler and more enjoyable.

MostlyHappyMummy · 29/08/2020 10:27

You would be crazy to stay

SoloMummy · 29/08/2020 12:42

@LonelySpider

My child is his child. I also work full time so be doesn't financially support me. I'm not a SAHM or anything.

We have this argument often that I feel he does nothing to help in the house, that includes with our joint DC.

What I never understand is that you had your child with a man knowing full well how he was with his children. You chose to continue regardless, so in this I think that yabu. You did know the lie of the land, it shouldn't be some great surprise.

If you choose to split over this, I think to some extent yabu and perhaps need to try putting in more boundaries and being more direct about your expectations for your oh.
If there are other issues, then that's an entirely different situation and I cannot comment without knowing more.
As for your child's half siblings, it would be your ohs responsibility to maintain that relationship between them. But yes you not having any contact with them being your goal makes you sound incredibly cold tbh. I agree I don't think you'd be playing babysitter, but I don't think cutting off your child's siblings is the way to go either.