Would you see not having to deal with DSC as a positive of leaving your relationship?

[LonelySpider]

There's a few issues going on at the moment for me and DH that I won't go into massively here.

But one thing I've been thinking recently is how good it would feel if I left to just have to deal with me and my DC rather than DSC too.

Now I know that doesn't sound very nice but let me clarify why.... I really do like my DSC but I have fallen into the typical default mother role when they are with us and tbh it's draining and while it doesn't cause resentment toward the children themselves, it does breed some annoyance.

I look after them alone all the time, I do everything for them in the house, I'm the only person who does anything with them on a weekend, I'm the one they come to now for anything because they know their dad is useless.

I've tried to just stop but it's too difficult when you have your own DC in the house too. I can't just not make them dinner when I'm cooking or not wash their clothes when I'm doing my DCs. I can't just sit there and watch them sleep in bed sheets that haven't been changed for however long because DH is too lazy to do it whilst my DC have theirs changed, I can't just take my DC out and leave them sat in the living room while their dad naps.

I feel like I've got a bunch of children that I'm solely responsible for that I never asked for.

I understand the whole 'you married a man with kids' and I've built a good relationship with them and was happy to help. But no I didn't expect to become a default parent and have all their care essentially passed onto me.

I feel like if I left it would be a massive relief to only have myself and my DC to think about (I only have 1) and honestly I feel like I'd just be glad not to have the responsibility anymore.

I was talking to my mother about it and she's of the 'its not the children's fault, would you not feel bad leaving them knowing their father wasn't going to do much with/for them' train of thought. Like yes to a degree I would but I just think it's not my responsibility to stay because of that is it? And tbh, as much as I do like them I probably wouldn't want to get into a situation where I still saw them regularly after a split (my DC is their half sibling so I can see that being suggested already).

I couldn't live like that.

How old are the children?

What would happen if you went out for the day on your own? Would he step up and care for all the children? Before walking out, it might be worth pointing out to him that they're all HIS children so time he stepped up as a dad. I disagree with the poster who criticised you for having a child with someone who's obviously a rubbish father - that was incredibly mean and insensitive even by MN standards.

The bigger issue here is you have said he does nothing around the house. He sounds like a bad father full stop. Him leaving you to look after your sc highlights this. You need to establish the boundaries if you wish to continue this relationship.

You are holding all the cards here. You are the one who wants out, can afford to be a single mum, and wont have to faff around after him and his dc. He is the one who will have to step up and look after them.

Unless you are already sure in moving out, you cant lose by telling him you are done being their main carer and telling him he has to start doing things in the house too - washing their bedding for a start!!

I've been in your situation op. It was horrible. My ex was a single dad before I moved in. So was well used to looking after them and pulling his weight. All that gradually stopped when I moved in. Until I was completely responsible. Like you I had my own children, so if I was cooking or doing washing I couldn't just do it for my kids.

I honestly felt that he was with me because he couldn't afford cleaners and a nanny.
I lasted 6 years . I missed the step DC terribly when we split up. And sadly I no longer see them. Which I do find difficult as I spent so many years bringing them up and treating them as my own

But yes you not having any contact with them being your goal makes you sound incredibly cold tbh. I agree I don't think you'd be playing babysitter, but I don't think cutting off your child's siblings is the way to go either

My child would obviously still have contact with them. But why would I need to? My reluctance is due to the fact I imagine this would carry on 'can DSC go to X place with you and DC at weekend', 'do you fancy seeing DSC today so I can do X'.

I'm not talking literally ignoring them, I'd still see them at points and be perfectly nice and kind as I always am. But no I wouldn't want to carry on actively seeing them or having them stay etc... If I wasn't with their dad. I don't think many separated SPs do, do they?

And as for me having a child with him, this was a slow process and there are other issues at play. It wasn't always like this. As I say, he was on his own with them prior to meeting me so he can care for them. It's slowly over the years slipped into me doing it all instead.

Well your mum is right that it's not the children's fault but it's absolutely not your responsibility.
I feel sorry for your step children that their dad can't be bothered but that's no reason for you to stay. I have fallen in to this trap with my stepdaughter, she's older now so it's not an issue. My husband would do things with her but none of the boring stuff like cooking, making sure she had a shower etc.
I wouldn't leave just because of this but it sounds like there are other issues too. So if it's just a positive side effect YADNBU.

It sounds very much like the 1940's when a single parent father married in order to have a wife to look after him and his children. You are definitely not being unreasonable.

Absolutely reasonable for you to leave. Or ask him to. If you've lost respect and affection for him because the resentment has built up over time, then just tell him its over
If you want to save the relationship, sit him down and say he steps up and does the parenting for his children, and stops being so lazy and leaving it all up to you. Maybe go away with your own child and leave him to it for a bit. If he sees what he will lose he might step up. But you might just have had enough