For not wanting unsolicited advice

[GeekyGirl42]

Dating a guy. He frequently offers unsolicited advice. Here's an example

I live in Cambridge and I've just had a promotion, so I'll have to travel to London once or twice a month. It's a 1hr 40m train journey, but door to door, so I was telling him about this and I said "you know, it's not too bad because I can grab some me time on the train"

He then wondered why I didn't drive. I said that's mad - you don't drive to work in South Bank (he lived in London so he should know this.) He then started questioning why the train is so long. I said London & Cambridge aren't close, and I'm going south of river so it didn't seem to bad. He then said "you know what you should do? But a laptop like mine and then check your emails on the train"

I said I didn't need to do that, because I already have a laptop and I don't need to work on the train. I might have been getting mildley irritated.

He got really annoyed. I asked him what his problem is - its not like I was asking him for any advice, and even if I were, he shouldn't be offended if I don't want to take it.

He ended our call. I've messaged him to say the unsolicited advice is not the issue, it's the getting so offended when I don't want it.

AIBU?

This drives me mad too. I think some people don’t really understand advice is something you offer (or for which you are asked) for the other person’s consideration. It isn’t an instruction on how to proceed.

My mother is a great one for complaining that I NEVER take advice. It’s one of the things that really annoys her about me, apparently. I’ve tried to tell her that no one has to follow someone else’s advice to the letter, and that’s really not why you should offer advice. I can’t imagine being that pushy. My friend is buying a house at the moment and has asked for my opinion, which I’m happy to give, but it’s not my deposit and mortgage - therefore if she chooses a different house, I’m not going to get snippy.

I think he was just trying to be nice/helpful and you were quite honestly really prickly! He’s making conversation and you’re shutting him down every time by immediately rejecting what he says. I’m not saying you have to listen avidly to his superior man suggestions, but he sounds like he’s trying to be nice and you’re getting unnecessarily offended.

Get rid of him. Just ghost. Life is too short for someone who gets stroppy like this and rings off on you.

I know what you mean! He’s not a listener he’s a problem solver when’s there’s no problem! He’ll now be complaining you don’t listen to him!

He’s one of these people who want everyone to be like him. I had a manager like this once, she tried to dictate to me about personal stuff and got ratty when I just changed the subject and ignored her.

Just dump him.

It's a form of mansplaining - to point out the bleeding obvious or to expect the wimmin to do as they're told.

@BluebellsGreenbells

I know what you mean! He’s not a listener he’s a problem solver when’s there’s no problem! He’ll now be complaining you don’t listen to him!

Exactly that!! Apparently I'm too independent to want a relationship

I'd get rid Op as you'll not win with this kind of person!

Think that's right. Apparently it's a problem that I don't thank him for his unsolicited advice.

This is 8 weeks in. I feel that's way too soon to expect to have such agency in someone's life

Does he start sentences with ‘you think...’

Erm you have no idea what I think!

This doesn't bode well, OP. Sounds like he could be controlling in future.

@LambChopsMcGee

This doesn't bode well, OP. Sounds like he could be controlling in future.

That's what I'm really worried about.

Anyone reading this who things I was being prickly with him - I was in a VERY controlling relationship before. Was not allowed to leave the house in high heels. That kind of thing. So I'm very sensitive to being controlled.

No, we’ve all been around this type — usually, though not exclusively, male, who think that any communication is them being handed a problem to solve. It’s very tiresome. There are times I’ve had to say, ‘Look, you will know when I’m asking you for advice, because I will use the phrase “I’m asking you for advice”! Until then, you can assume that I know my own way around mortgage financing/ DIY/the tube network.‘

I seem to remember a poster on a recent thread on here about poor conversational skills, who said that she assumed all conversations were someone asking her to ‘solve’ a problem, and who kept interrupting so she could get all the detail she needed to come up with the solutiin she genuinely believed she’d been asked for. Meanwhile, her unfortunate friend was just crying about her dead cat or ex-boyfriend, or telling a story about a crazy client...

Oh dear. He just messaged me to say that I have to know it all.

I replied with "When it's about how I'd like to travel to work? I reckon I do know all when it comes to that."

Apparently I'm too independent to want a relationship

That gave me a laugh. It's right up there with instructions about what men do and don't like and unless we want to spend our lives miserable and alone we need to think about how to change ourselves to pander to their whims. Fuck em.

Red flags all over this one, I'd sprint, in a most unladylike fashion, for the nearest exit.

I understand your frustration. I think some people mean well but very clunkily assume that if you mention a problem (or even what they perceive to be a problem) you want solutions and think they’re helping when they offer ideas - even if the ideas aren’t good, or are really obvious!! Sometimes it’s a form of social awkwardness or just inability to read the room.

Not to be downbeat but if this is already irritating you 8 weeks in then it might be best to call time on it. He’s unlikely to change and you may have to weigh up if it’s worth it.

So have you dumped him yet, Ms Know It All?
He sounds tiresome, and up his own arse.
Independent- like that’s a bad thing!
Congratulations on your promotion 🍾

Ghost. Don't even waste time messaging back, that's 10 seconds you could have exhaled, farted, burped, blinked - anything is better than wasting any more time on him.

Hmm from the outside it could seem like he was just trying to be helpful but my ex was one of these and was relentless with it so I know what you mean. It was one of the reasons I ended it as it really started to grate on me. He wasn't controlling just so self important that his ideas had to be shared. I remover he got asked by a neighbour to do some painting for them but when he went round he started giving all kinds of decorating advice rather than just painting the room as asked and couldn't understand when suddenly she did t want it done anymore. I'd keep a close eye one it OP

It doesn't seem like you're compatible. I don't think what he said was that bad though, sounds like he was just making conversation and taking an interest

Oh I've had this and it makes me feel like shit. "What you want to do is move the boiler/have a conservatory/put some decking down/move that radiator/knock the wall through". Do I? What with? It's nothing to do with him. I would end it

I don't think it's about fixing a problem though not that the OP has a problem. The same man when I had a problem wouldn't DO anything just more sodding advice ...

He wasn't trying to be helpful, he was trying to stamp his higher authority over a perfectly capable adult who is already able to function perfectly well day to day and even manage her own commute to work without the need for intervention. Oh, if only she would stop being so difficult and just bow down to his superiority to soothe his ego and affirm her place in the pecking order.

Ditch him. Life is too short to be having these issues ever but when you are only 8 weeks in to a relationship.......

Ended up having to turn phone off last night because he was still messaging and calling at 1am.

He called me this morning to dump me. And also tell me a big long list of what I've done wrong. I cut that short and said if he wanted to talk it out he'd need to still be dating me. But he isn't so there's no point to going over things like this.

Have now removed from Facebook and blocked his number. Got several voicemails now so I think he's back tracking.

Going to forget him and spend the day taking my daughter out for school supplies and get ready for our little trip away to the seaside.