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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Or is the L word not important?

30 replies

Burntbiscuits · 28/08/2020 20:18

Just want a consensus really. My dh of 12 years has stopped saying it in the last couple of years, I don't recall exactly when was the last time. He used to say it when leaving for work but he is now retired so doesn't - I don't say it when leaving but used to say it back him when he did. I used to say it before going to sleep but as I no longer get a response, I suppose I stopped. I say it now on occasion - during sex foe example and maybe 1 other time per week I guess.
When questioned he quite casually says he just doesn't want to say it, no big reason. I asked "Well don't you love me? " and he said "well I do, but I just don't feel like saying it". Says he may never say it again.

So, is this important? Would this be a deal breaker for you? I think it's so sad but perhaps I'm being sentimental?

OP posts:

CorrectileDysfunction · 28/08/2020 20:21

I'd be very sad too

Aquamarine1029 · 28/08/2020 20:23

I think there's something very lacking in your marriage.

Sparklesocks · 28/08/2020 20:24

I think it depends on the individual so can’t be applied as a general thing. Some people wouldn’t care, and their partners may show their love in other ways so it’s not so important to hear the words. But then others would very much miss it.

wildcherries · 28/08/2020 20:25

That would make me sad.

ShellsAndSunrises · 28/08/2020 20:26

I think it’d be the stopping that bothered me. That he used to say it but now doesn’t.

Can you talk to him about it? Does everything still feel as it did otherwise, other than this? Do you still feel loved?

littlepeas · 28/08/2020 20:27

I don’t think it’s a big deal in well established relationships where both parties feel secure.

Whatdowehaveherethen · 28/08/2020 20:29

That makes me sad for you. We use the L word sparingly so that it has real meaning. I wouldn't be happy if DP told me he may never use it again.

Original poster

Burntbiscuits · 28/08/2020 20:33

I otherwise feel loved intermittently! He's never been very affectionate or demonstrative and I don't like big romance. He does show me in other ways, just that they are quite subtle - he can be kind and thoughtful but it's occasional. I don't mind that except that it is nice to have it said iyswim?

OP posts:

MushyMushi · 28/08/2020 20:34

My ex only said it for a year. I had another five years of him not bothering or thinking it mattered.

Wasn’t the only reason we split but it was a big part of it.

Original poster

Burntbiscuits · 28/08/2020 20:35

He very very rarely compliments me, for example - so it feels very heartfelt when he does. I get plenty of compliments from other people but I sometimes wonder whether it's a bit odd that my actual partner doesn't much.

OP posts:

Notverybright · 28/08/2020 20:37

That would really upset me op.

Has any of his other behaviour changed?

Is he the type of person who sulks and withholds affection when upset?

Or is he fairly practical and cold generally?

Notverybright · 28/08/2020 20:38

Sorry took too long typing.

june2007 · 28/08/2020 20:38

My husband rarely says it. Actions speak louder then words to me.

kayakingmum · 28/08/2020 20:39

I think it's far more important to feel loved than just to hear the words - I love you.

Having said that it's more worrying if he used to be the sort to say it and now doesn't.

BuffaloCauliflower · 28/08/2020 20:42

Actions do speak louder thank words in most cases, and I love you’s can be empty, but in a marriage I think it’s important keep saying it. I think it’s sad your husband has stopped and I would bring it up. DH shows me he loves me through actions, but we still say I love you pretty much every day. It’s important to say what you feel as well as showing what you feel.

Eckhart · 28/08/2020 20:44

If he feels it, and he knows you'd feel happier if he said it more, he'd say it more.

Just like if someone you love likes chocolate, you sometimes bring them chocolate. It's not because you feel like giving chocolate to someone, it's because you want to make them feel good.

'I don't feel like saying it' is a selfish, and unloving perspective.

Longwhiskers14 · 28/08/2020 20:45

Says he may never say it again.

That's the bit that would bother me. Having him say it only occasionally wouldn't be an issue, but he saying out loud he might never utter those three words to you again? That's weird IMO. I'd be questioning if something bigger is going on.

Eckhart · 28/08/2020 20:48

@Longwhiskers14 I agree. It's almost as if he's trying to upset OP deliberately. What other need would there be to tell someone you might never say 'I love you' again?

Enko · 28/08/2020 20:52

Dh and I are together 27 years now and I still tell him daily I love him (often more than once)

Original poster

Burntbiscuits · 28/08/2020 20:57

[quote Eckhart]@Longwhiskers14 I agree. It's almost as if he's trying to upset OP deliberately. What other need would there be to tell someone you might never say 'I love you' again?[/quote]
Yes this is kind of what I think. He is kind of selfish or perhap self-absorbed would be a more forgiving way of putting it.
He knows I want him to say it (though not unless he means it, of course)

OP posts:

Colouringaddict · 28/08/2020 20:58

Together for 29 years and we tell each other every day, but, he rarely compliments me unless I fish for it 😂

KarlKennedysDurianFruit · 28/08/2020 21:02

This sounds like emotional control, I'm not a fan of saying i love you at set times, it feels scripted, but DH and I say it often, at least once most days, more of one of us is having a tough time (or if I bake Belgian buns.....) , it's that he knows you would like him to say it and he's almost holding that over you, someone who actually loves you wouldn't.
My parents very rarely say it to each other but they've always been that way and show it in little ways instead and I think that's fine as they're both on with that. DM puts it down to very non demonstrative up bringings. This isn't that though.

Eckhart · 28/08/2020 21:05

In answer to your question 'Is it important?', I think it's different for everybody. Some would think it's a dealbreaker, some wouldn't give two hoots.

There's nothing wrong with being sentimental - it's how you feel and it's who you are. I would feel sad, too.

Bumble84 · 28/08/2020 21:07

Personally I think it’s more about if your partner makes you feel loved. My DH does tell me he loves me regularly but tbh I wouldn’t be bothered if he didn’t because it’s not what makes me feel loved. I know he loves me, I don’t feel the need to be told all the time. However if his actions day to day didn’t tell me he loved me then that would be a different story. I’m not that fussed about saying it back, although I know it’s important to him so I do, he responds to words of affirmation so I do this for him because I love him but honestly it’s not something that comes naturally to me. We’ve discussed this before and we realise we’re both different and ultimately commit to making each other feel our best. People give and receive love in different ways, look at the four love languages.

tornadoalley · 28/08/2020 21:09

We only say it very occasionally. They're just words. I don't need someone to say I love you like some cheesy robot to know my DH loves me as I love him. Words repeated like a daily mantra just become meaningless. I'd rather hear it at meaningful times, like anniversaries, or if I'm sick, or if something wonderful happens.

I love you vs taking the bins out unasked? The bins win.

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