AIBU - visit elderly Father & break law or miss my chance?

[ilovedad54321]

Name changed though I am a regular poster. I live in one of the countries where visitors to the UK must now self-isolate for 14 days. In a few weeks' time, I was due to visit my father for a long weekend. It was going to be a distanced visit and I was going to stay at a airbnb, driving between there and my parents'. Definitely not visiting any pubs or shops etc.

My Father has been incredibly sick over the last 18 months. He has been in hospital for 10 months but is now being cared for 24/7 by my mum. He has many serious health problems and has had 5 emergency admissions to hospital in recent months. Obviously, him catching Covid would not have a good outcome.

Before Covid-19 I visited my parents every three weeks for 5 days (changing my work and child care arrangements) to help support them. I currently phone them every day for around an hour to support them. It's a difficult and heartbreaking situation for all.

I am gutted that my country was added to the UK's quarantine list. Apparently airbnb places are not approved locations for self-quarantine and I might not be there if the police check. This would risk a fine (and possible criminal record?). I wonder what would happen if things went wrong - like if I fell ill for example.

My choices are:

1. Not visit them - high risk of not seeing my father again.
2. Visit and go ahead with original plan even though it's breaking the law
3. Visit and stay within the law which would mean staying with them (I could stay in a part of the house with its own bathroom. This puts them at a higher risk of Covid though. My least favourite option.
4. Another option?

Any thoughts from wise mumsnetters? WWYD? How on earth do I decide?

Bearing in mind that I am not amongst the Covid-hysterical, and think that it is all being over-egged.... I am sorry but are you stupid? You want someone to tell you that breaking the law will be ok because you have special circumstances. Yeah, well so does everyone. The law is the law, and just because I or you or anyone else might think it's ridiculous, or there are good reasons why it shouldn't apply to your circumstances, does not mean it is right to break the law. There is nothing to decide - you must obey the law.

If seeing your father is that important, you must self-isolate for 14 days first. Because that is what everyone must do.

If you have to quarantine, that means you have to be isolated from your parents to protect them (even if that means staying in a different part of the house) so you wouldn't get to see them over the long weekend?

If that is the case, despite everything, I wouldn't go. You can give more meaning to your relationship by speaking/video calling them everyday.

Would you also have to quarantine on return?

Charmatt
Thank you for posting.
No, I wouldn't have to quarantine on return.
I do speak and video call them everyday already.

Understand your predicament. I’d go with isolating in their house with a separate bathroom, but can you afford to be away for that long from home? The quarantine is an ever changing situation, maybe worth waiting a little while

In your circumstances, I would go if they wanted me. Isolate at home for two weeks before you go to minimise the risks, mask up and stay as far from everyone as you can. You need to accept that this may lead to a criminal record and a fine and understand the effects that will have on your current and future career and immigration status. If you’re happier with that than the risk of not going, go.

1) Not visit them - high risk of not seeing my father again.

This. You'd feel awful if you visited and he got sick.

I didn't see my father for the last three months of his life because of Covid. At least I know I didn't put him at risk by my actions. You can do video calls and speak on the phone, I couldn't as his advanced dementia meant he was incapable, he simply wouldn't do it as he didn't recognise who any of us were so would walk off.

This is a harsh one,especially with the ever changing rules and regulations.
Can you speak to your dad's doctor ,with his permission,and explain your situation,see if they can give you some guidance on your dad's health going forward into Autumn?I know they don't have a Crystal ball but they might be able to give you enough information to help you decide.
In relation to your mum,are there any local charities that can give her some help or despite care?
This may give you some breathing time.
You speak with your parents daily,they know you love and care about them and would be there if you could.remember that.

Respite care!

I think you're asking the wrong question. Could you live with yourself if you have either of them COVID thus potentially forcing them to be separated for (what could be) the rest of your dad's life?
Who would look after him if you and your mum have it?

Thank you so much for your comments everyone. I really appreciate your thoughts on this.

The possibility of passing Covid onto my parents was the reason I didn't visit in the summer.

I have also thought about having a covid test myself before coming and keep a low profile the previous two weeks before coming out.

@KarmaStar - that's a good idea but the drs just don't know - he is v sick but I don't think they could say anything for definite. He has so many specialists.

I’m confused.

If your least favourite option is staying with them because of the higher risk of giving them Covid, then what’s the point of visiting at all since with any option you won’t be able to do anything more in the 5 days you would be here than you can currently do via video call?

Would you be able to stay in the UK for just over 2 weeks? Isolating initially and then see them? I don't think you've said whether your work would permit that - I would be able to negotiate that, as I can work from home (or anywhere else with a good internet connection) but that may not be possible for you.

For me the guilt would be too much if I passed it on

I'd go. If you're only staying for a weekend, you'll be long gone in the unlikely event anyone catches up with you.

@bathorshower no I couldn't stay for two weeks this time but maybe in October. I have kids and a job here though I could do a bit of work online later. Could think about this.

@HorsePellets I would see them in the garden. But yep, no eating together/hugging/physical contact means it's like there maybe is not point anyway and it's another reason why I am so unsure. The visit would be really challenging and sad, even without the new regulations. In fact, it's been so tough for the last 20 months.

4. come to the uk. Isolate for 14 days at an air B&B - if it is fully contained, I think this is fine for quarantine but check, then visit your parents. I'm not sure that living with them in any less risk than you visiting for more than about 30 minutes inside tho, so I dont think the risk between options 2 and 3 is very different.

You cannot fly after a long weekend, airlines require you to certify you haven't been asked to isolate in the past 2 weeks and you will have. You would be putting your parents at increased risk and everyone you fly back with on the plane. If you are fairly close to the U.K. driving via the tunnel will avoid the airline issue.

i dont think you can go to an air b n b for isolation-im sure i just read they would be fined for this

@RedCatBlueCat The idea for the distanced visit would be to have garden visits, put up the gazebo and even use the "outside heating" thing if colder. Possibly sit in the conservatory with heating on and all the windows open if cold. Might be miserable and not good for my father if colder. (No visits to the loo - would have to drive back to the airbnb for that).

@minnieok I wondered if there might be something like that. It makes sense. Do you have a link? I think that this could really be the deciding factor that means I cannot come.
The drive would be 18 hours. I cannot do that without stopping.

It's all so difficult!

I really think your only options are to come for longer than 1 days with quarantine in an approved location, and then stay with them after quarantine (when you won’t be a risk to them) to make the most of your stay, or not to come at all to be brutally honest.

I know that’s hard to hear.

But I don’t see any way around the restrictions at the moment.

You say "in a few weeks". I would wait and see - your country may be off the quarantine list again by then. Worry about it at the time.

*14 days

It's hard if you live in a different country but one of the consequences just is that you can't really easily be there for sick or dying family members. I have family in Australia who couldn't be there for their parents death. It's awful but also just one of those things. Having said that, you can live 5 minutes away from someone and they could suddenly drop dead from a heart attack. We can never really know if we'll see someone again. Don't feel guilty about it.

So I'd say number 1.

The test results are pretty much next day. Can you arrive, test, isolate for a couple of days and then once you get a negative test, go see them. That's what I would do. It's rough not having a chance to say goodbye. I know from recent experience.

Have you scrutinised the rules in your country? I am 99% sure that if coming from France to the UK and staying in the UK for less than 14 days then it is possible to complete the quarantine period in your own home country.