To think I could be autistic?

[EmmaA081]

Not really sure where to start.

I've always just felt like something is wrong with me.
The way I process thoughts. The way things really stick with me, the things that people say or do, I don't forget.

I always feel like I need things repeating to me. Or when someone tells me something I require a lot of detail in their story.
I ask a lot of questions to fully understand.

I don't like change. For instance, I moved offices at work and I spent weeks feeling upset and down about my new desk.
I hated that where I was sat, what I could see etc, it wasn't exactly the same as my old desk and it really upset me and made me anxious.

I like to have a set plan for things, and I find that if plans change I get frustrated and anxious.

If there are ever any risks I find it hard to rationalise them.
Eg. If you take that medicine there's a risk of side effect.
If you dye your hair there's a risk of an allergic reaction.

I struggle to take medication and I rarely dye my hair because I worry about the risks.

I'm actually a really social person and I do enjoy being around others. But I find it uncomfortable and hard for me to be around just one other person as I worry about what I should talk about.
Most of my friendships groups are 3's so I'm rarely alone with just one friend.
If there are 3 of us I'm chatty and confident as I flow with the conversation in the group.

I'm really hung up on what people think about me. I worry about what I've said or done.
I worry people think I'm a bad person, ugly, fat etc.

I find it really hard to show my emotions.
I've been with my husband for 9 years and he barely sees me cry unless I'm very upset or angry.

I can watch the saddest films but if I'm with someone I cannot cry at them.
Only if I'm alone can I feel the emotions and cry.

I know no one where can diagnose me, but I wanted to put this out there and ask for some opinions before I seek help.

I'm 32 and I know it wouldn't be easy to get a diagnosis as an adult.

I wonder the same about myself. I'm rubbish at social situations, need to have a plan constantly eg what time someone is coming,then plan exactly what I'm gonna be doing until that time. If someone just turns up to my house out the blue or earlier than planned I can't cope and usually end up crying as it's overwhelming because the plan wasn't followed. Lots of little things but I will be wondering forever. My DH got his diagnosis in Feb this year, it was suspected from childhood for him. He's also dispraxic and he thinks I might be as there's certain things I can't do well which suggests to him maybe dispraxia but I've never mentioned to him that I wonder if I have autism.

I always wonder this about myself. I just took the test and got 27. I feel like if I go to the doctor’s about it I may just get dismissed. I’ve always struggled in social situations and people have told me I’m being rude when I think I’m being polite so my anxiety has increased over the years. Despite this I have a successful career and a good group of friends so maybe it’s just part of my personality?

@Meatshake

Yes it becomes an absolute focus. I started researching, self-analysing and writing. Then I needed to organise everything. So I now have 150 pages, in seven chapters with a further 200 pages of supporting info (neatly categorised into 5 appendices). It was an extremely helpful exercise and really helped me not get too anxious for my assessment and forgetting pertinent facts (which I do under situations of big stress)

So yes - an obsession.

@Scautish that sounds very familiar. When I decided to pursue an assessment, I bought every book I could find about autism in adults and scoured the Internet for websites about autistic women. It was definitely my obsession for about a year.

I had an initial short form that I had to complete and return to the gp. I thought that I didn't score highly enough and was worried that the assessment wouldn't go further. I wasn't as in depth as you but did have an extra sheet cross referenced to the questionnaire and I'd also printed out a list of traits from the Internet, highlighted the ones that applied to me and made notes against them.

When I finally went for my assessment, there was a longer more in depth form to complete. There were so many questions where it was impossible to just tick yes or no because they weren't precise enough; I had to make notes all over it. My assessor took one look, smiled and said it told her a lot before she'd even read it. 😊

I was diagnosed last year age 53, it wasn't until ds was diagnosed & I learned more about autism that I started to join the dots. I struggled at school because I never felt I fitted in, was horrifically bullied, have been treated for depression since I was 17, I find change very difficult to deal with, have very set ways of doing things, like I only drink from certain cups, wear certain clothes etc, if something should happen at a certain time, I can't handle if it is late.

I think a diagnosis will help as self-knowledge is always a good thing. My DD is dyspraxic and has Aspergers-like traits. She had her diagnosis two years ago and knowing about it has made me a better parent to her - there are things you would push or standards you would have with an NT child that you are aware are likely to be especially difficult with a child on the autistic spectrum so you tread more carefully.

OP - you’re looking for reassurance other diagnosed adults are just like you. They won’t be. I firmly believe in the statement “when you’ve met one person with autism you’ve met one person with autism”. DD’s clinical psychologist recommended I read books on neurodiversity in girls, which I do. I’ll read a book and one chapter will be bang on, while another will be so off-beam I’ll wonder if I should be reading the book at all.

I've been wondering this too. I took the test PP linked and I'm borderline. I made an appointment with my GP last week to discuss it. I have prior history of depression and anxiety and I've always been reserved and introverted.

Getting a diagnosis helped me, I always felt that I was a horrible person, that it way my fault that nobody liked me & I was rubbish at my job & that was why I never got promotion. Now I know that none of that was my fault, it is everyone else who had a problem because it wasn't my fault that I am different, if anyone else can't accept me for what I am, now I don't care, I'm me.

I've been wondering about this too.
I feel I've struggled all through my life. As a child I struggled to cope at school and often had meltdowns when I didn't understand what was happening with a routine change.
I can think of loads of examples where I've not known how to react in particular situations and it's caused me a lot of stress.
I've also had some issues at work where I've not really understood what people were meaning when it wasn't said directly and I've got into trouble.
Eg. one headteacher asked me "Do you want to go on this course?" and I didn't as I didn't think it would be helpful so I explained this politely but she went apeshit at me because I was supposed to say yes. I still don't understand why "Do you want to go on this course?" is the same as "You need to go on this course".

There have been other situations too where I've thought I was reacting fine to things and then the other person has suddenly blown up out of control at me and I haven't understood what I did or said wrong.

My mother always told me the problem was to do with the way others were asking or phrasing things but I think it's probably my failure to understand the subtleties of communication. Also, I feel like I had mental health issues in my teens including severe anxiety and phobias and I feel now that my mother should have addressed this with the GP but she was paranoid that I would end up in "an asylum".

I don't think I am neurotypical but maybe I am and the issues are caused by anxiety or by not being able to express my clear boundaries to others until they've pushed too far and I get snappy.
I just don't know really.

I just did the test that was linked and I scored 27. Does this mean I would benefit from speaking to my (crap) gp?

These replies are so helpful, thank you!

[quote Caplin]My sister was diagnosed in her 30s, explained a lot!!!

Have you done this - www.clinical-partners.co.uk/for-adults/autism-and-aspergers/adult-autism-test[/quote]
@Caplin Thanks for the link.

I scored 21 and it suggests to arrange an assessment.

Hi OP,

I'm a late diagnosed autistic woman.
Like you I've felt different all my life, never really fitted in, couldn't understand peer interactions at school, took things literally, was very rude to people without meaning to, and so on.
I struggled badly and was in my early 20s diagnosed with a load of anxiety disorders and depression, which I now know to be co-morbidities.
It wasn't until my youngest DC started displaying signs out autism that I looked into it more and started to realise that this was me. So when I went to the GP to ask for a referral for my 4yo, I mustered all my courage and asked for a referral for myself, too. At this point I had been researching it for about half a year or so.
I was seen only a couple of months later and received the diagnosis a few weeks after that. I was 38.
It has been an immense relief to finally know what is 'wrong' with me. It helped me to understand myself and my life an also to accept myself a bit more.
I would strongly recommend getting a referral, it's never too late to seek answers and make sense of your life.

@Lolalime

Hi there, for those of you diagnosed aged 30plus, what benefit has the diagnosis given you? What help do you get post diagnosis that you couldn’t get before? I’m genuinely interested because I too think I may be in the spectrum after recognising similarities with my son during his diagnosis. I have put off taking my suspicions further as I genuinely don’t know what difference it will make.

I think I have tried to answer this. I thought there were so many different things "wrong" with me that I needed to overcome. To be more specific, examples are: anxiety, struggling with social norms and friendships (particularly in groups), public speaking, finding too much time with people exhausting, suspected OCD, my need for routine, my problems with being in loud environments, cold environments, being out in the rain, wearing certain fabrics. SAD and a hatred of grey days where all colour is drained from the world. Experiencing emotion very deeply but other people not understanding my expression of it in the way it is meant. Etc.

Since diagnosis I understand that these are all just facets of one thing; my autism. So I can accept myself as I am and stop trying to overcome these "problems" which are not "things that are wrong with me", but parts of me that are fine as they are and cannot be changed. Instead of desperately trying to be like other people I can let myself be me and I have a way to explain to other people why I am how I am, that they can understand. So I am much happier. It has made sense of a life experience which previously seemed chaotic and out of sync with others for unexplained reasons.

[quote EmmaA081]@WeFoundAHat

OP I can relate to some of what you describe but not other parts

Which parts are / aren't relatable to you? [/quote]
The sensory issues, verbal processing issues, anxiety and need for routine I relate to very strongly.

The socialbility is definitely not like me. Or the issues with risk assessment; I am very rational so weigh up risks quite mathematically. I am a worrier by nature but can rationalise my worries with numbers. I couldn’t care less what people think of me unless they are people who I am close to. And I am awful in groups of friends, I find that dynamic hard. My closest friendships all tend to be one to one.

I am very emotional but also do not show that much with most people, but not with people I am very close to. I find it hard to explain and verbalise the reasons for my feelings but they will be visible.

But just like NT people, all autistic people are different and the spectrum has so many variations, so a comparison to my particular experience is not particularly useful. What matters is whether you match the diagnostic criteria and how a diagnosis might help you to move forward in a positive way.