To be really struggling with DS1 starting school?

[howlathebees]

I’m posting here because I don’t know where else to post. My DS1 is starting school and turning 5 next month and I’m getting so emotional about it. I can’t really put into words but it almost feels like he’s slipping away from me, 5 just seems so grown up. It’s lovely in some ways because we can have proper conversations now and he’s becoming a real person, but I just wish everything could slow down and he could be a tiny baby again. It’s really been getting to me the past few weeks, I can’t think of anything else. I just feel like I’ve lost him a bit, he was only 2 had DS2 and now DS4’s on the way and I feel like I’ve just missed out on so much with him and now it’s going to get worse. I don’t really know why I’m posting this, I’m just hoping others have felt the same way and some of you can tell me that 5 year old are still your babies and don’t go off to school and suddenly become fully grown adults. Have any of you felt this way and can you offer me some advice? Or just tell me to get my shit together and grow up

YANBU at all. I think it's an emotional thing anyway, let alone after the last few months of worry and anxiousness.

Take lots of photos of his first day and try to celebrate it in a lovely way - have a special supper when he comes home and smile even though you want to cry.

One of the very best things I did when DS1 started school was take a photo of him bouncing on his bed in his uniform that morning - unintentionally, I just wanted to capture his excitement. On his last morning we recreated it and it is one of my absolute favourite things in our house; those two photos capturing my beautiful boy.

I have had the same about all of my children. Time passes quickly when we are busy and living life. I know the feeling of 'where did that time go?'
I find the best way to overcome that is to try to be a bit more present and engaged in what's going on now. That feeling will always be there, try just to enjoy each day you have with them. Not always easy i know!!

@FudgeBrownie2019 I think that’s the thing! With the last 6 months being the way they were I’ve had him at home with me all the time and now he’s away again. The pictures of your DS sound so beautiful!

@oreshina that’s what I’ve been trying to do lately, really ‘being here now’ it just feels like times slipping away a bit and now I’ve got a small adult living with me.

Thank you both for making me feel better. DH thinks I’m silly but I think it’s because he’s always pictured himself as a father to older children whereas I’ve always imagaine being a mum to little ones and I can’t imagine being a mum to a tween/teen etc

I felt really emotional leading up to DC1's first day, so about a week before I sat down and wrote a blog about it (I'm a writer though so that's my sort of thing).

I found it helped me to get it all out and let myself go teary in the writing of it; that way my emotions were much more settled on the day.

Maybe something like that could help, even if you just write it for yourself to keep, or show him when he's older (and has a child going off to school maybe!)

I get this too. DS is 5 on his 3rd day at school
Today was his last day at nursery after over 4 years
We've got all the uniform but I'm in bits

@IncludeWomenInTheSequel that could be a good idea! I also like writing. I’m so glad other felt the same

@spookmeout I sobbed the day we got all his uniform. I just wish I could freeze time now

DH thinks I’m silly but I think it’s because he’s always pictured himself as a father to older children whereas I’ve always imagaine being a mum to little ones and I can’t imagine being a mum to a tween/teen etc

Not silly at all - it flies by so quickly that every so often I have a panic and think "bloody hell they were newborn only a few weeks ago!"

In defence of parenting teens, though, DS1 is about to turn 15 (despite only starting Reception what feels like a couple of years ago) and he is genuinely so much fun. He smells a bit, and his mouth occasionally runs away with him, but honestly I don't hanker after the little-people days half as much as I'd have thought I would. He is sassy and funny and bright and all the things you hope your DC will be - I promise teens can be wonderful, too.

@FudgeBrownie2019 it does just fly by doesn’t it. I never got it when I had a newborn and people told me to enjoy it, and tbh I didn’t even really get it up until now. And now I think oh my god my sons at school and it just blows my mind a little bit. It’s lovely to hear you’re enjoying being a parent of teens. I know I will love it when it comes but a part of me never wants it to

It is definitely not silly, it's just a very natural way to feel. I can completely relate. Someone said recently when you have kids it's like your heart has been ripped out of your chest and put into these little people. It can be hard to see them go off to nursery or school and equally hard to realise they are getting old. My eldest keeps going on about being 10 next year. I dont know where that decade has gone. It feels like 4 or 5 years to me.

My eldest DC is starting year 1 next week, so I was in your place this time last year. Reception year is very much play based, but I have loved seeing her grow and develop during this year. She has learned to read and write, made new friends, can do simple sums, it's so good to see. She has changed and grown up during the year but it's a positive thing,the next stage in her development. I'm just sad she missed a big chunk of her reception year with lockdown.

She didn't sleep for the first 2 years and was a challenging baby/toddler so I am quite happy to leave those days behind!

Mine is 9.5 and still my “baby”. She cuddles, holds my hand and is very much my little girl. I only have a few years left I think before terrible teens. 5 is definitely still your baby!

Don't worry! In my experience nothing dramatically changes at a particular milestone.

But....and I'm trying to think of how to phrase this without sounding like an arse....its natural for them to gradually become a little more 'apart' from you as they get older, a bit more independent - and of course that will increase in the teen years. Don't try to hold on to any one stage. I wouldn't normally expect to find parenting wisdom in Star Wars films, but there's lovely scene in one of the new films where Yoda & an older Luke Skywalker are discussing wayward apprentices & Yoda observes that "We are what they grow beyond. That is the burden of all masters". I guess its the 'burden' of all parents too, if we want to see it that way. I feel strongly about this because my maternal grandmother was terrible at letting go of her children & it caused all sorts of issues in her family.

Oh god it will kill you when you walk away from the school!

Honestly though they are still yours till secondary. They break away at this point imo.

Don’t worry though they will always come back like a bad penny! My eldest (25) has moved back home for a month and there are clothes draped every where 😩

I've got four late teen/young adult dc and have felt like this at every milestone.

I suspect you will feel the same when your ds goes to secondary school, university, gets a first girlfriend, buys a house and leaves home.

You think it'll get easier as they get older but it doesn't really, it just gets a bit less acceptable to talk about it without sounding pathetic!

What I have found at each stage is that it doesn't take very long to become accustomed and accepting of it, and of course your rational brain knows that it is all part of healthy development and steps towards adulthood, we are just sad for ourselves I guess.

During that first week, I'd suggest making before/after school a little bit special, and keeping busy during the day.

Thank you everyone, it’s lovely to know I’m not alone. I definitely won’t hold onto him and I am excited to watch him grow into the person he’s meant to be but some times I do wish he could just slow down a little bit and be my baby again. It’s good to hear some of your DC are still ‘babies’ until secondary school. I had quite a turbulent childhood and I’d say at about 5 I became quite grown up to deal with that so I think that’s why I’m projecting a bit of that onto him. But I will definitely make school special for him.

I am exactly the same, it’s DS and DD’s last day at nursery today (DD is joining the school nursery purely for logistical reasons), they have been there since they were 6 months old and I’m currently at home crying my eyes out. We made cards this morning and they have given cuddles to staff when I dropped them off and you’re right, it just feels so grown up! I know they’re still just babies really but it is that very first step into independence. Their private nursery has very much been more about caring and loving than education (that’s what we wanted) and all of a sudden he’s going to be learning to read and write and I’m just not ready for it (He is though! 🤣)
I’ll pull myself together by the time I pick them up 🤣

My eldest is 17. If it helps each stage has wonderful things to look forward to. I’m loving seeing glimpses of the man he will become.
And as a very young child he was extremely ill. So I’m so very grateful for every day.

I bawled my eyes out when my just turned 4 yr old started school. She was fine - but let's be realistic they are very small and in many many other countries they would not be at school.

I think the feeling of slipping away is because our school system takes them so young and begins an overly formal learning programme with them - in most european countries a 4 or 5 year old would either be at home or at a nursery /kindergarten focusing on play.

So it's natural that it feels odd - it is odd. However as I said, my 4 year old loved school! and she was fine.

I felt the same when mine started but they really settled in well and love school. Also your child is nearly 5. Still daunting for your of course but mine were only just 4 when they started so I really felt awful 😭 they loved it though and still do!

I feel the same. My little boy starts reception Wednesday which is also his 5th birthday. He may be turning 5 but emotionally and speech wise he isn't quite there.
I can't believe he's old enough to start school.

It's natural but he will still be your baby for a long time to come. My 12 year old is going into year 8 and is still my baby (not all children pull away when they start secondary) .

I think I need to get into my head that he isn’t suddenly an adult now. He’s still quite sensitive and shy around those he doesn’t know and he loves cuddles and spending time with me and his dad, tbh my 1 year old hates cuddles more than him😂.

I think I will have a day with just him before he goes off to school. My mum can have the little ones and we can have a day just me, him and DH. I really don’t want him to see I’m upset, I don’t want it to affect him growing up

It’s ok to be sad about this chapter ending, but oh my goodness the worlds your DS is about to explore! My DS is about to go into yr1 and the last year (Covid aside, although he did get to go back for the last half term) has been such a joy. His world has opened up, he has learned so many new things and taught me so much too. It’s genuinely magical to see them grow and develop through school. Embrace it, you won’t be sad for the days that have passed for too long.