AIBU to struggle to forgive

dudsville · 27/08/2020 20:59

That's a helluva lot to get past, but only you can decide your path.

TinyTornado · 27/08/2020 21:06

I’m sorry to hear you are going through this.
In my experience, i would say there’s no going back.
My partner did similar, we were together for over 20 years and he told me on my 40th birthday. I forgave him and tried to work on it.
Unless your husband is really going all out to win you back, leave. Have a google of ‘the chump lady’ and ‘Pick me dance’.
I did a lot of that...

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 27/08/2020 21:11

Any talk of counselling ?
Without additional help or some time apart this won’t mend. Tbh it’s not even the affair it’s the constant lies and making you think you are going mad!

TrollTheRespawnJeremy · 27/08/2020 21:12

i don't think I could ever forget this.

even if he was the best spouse for the next decade, I'd still resent him for being such a stupid prick.

Original poster

Buggeredpelvicfloor2013 · 27/08/2020 21:17

Thank you all, I appreciate your replies. Exactly that, its the lies. Without meaning to drip feed, I had a very difficult upbringing. My main fear is people lying to me and ultimately leaving me. My parents did it and i never had any reason as to why. This man, I spent so long on the first few years building trust with and he never did anything to make me question that until this year. I feel like its set me back personally too , and I know that isnt his fault, its my own baggage but its baggage I made him fully aware of at the beginning. I thought we were happy, how did I miss that he wasn't? Why didn't I push harder when my gut was telling me something was wrong? I'm fully open to counselling but I almost feel that this is my fault and I must have led him to seek whatever he needed elsewhere and I dont deserve to feel better. I dont know. I just feel so broken.

OP posts:

TorgosPizza · 27/08/2020 21:23

Of course you are not being unreasonable! It's normal to struggle to forgive when someone who is supposed to love you has lied to you and tried to make you doubt yourself. This is all very fresh, too.

I don't know if I could ever forgive, in that situation, but I'm positive that if it were even possible, it would take years, not mere months, to recover my feelings of trust and love.

I agree that seeking outside help might be the next step, if you decide you want to keep trying to salvage the marriage. Going it on your own seems very difficult, especially when he has a history of trying to make you doubt your intuition and perception.

TorgosPizza · 27/08/2020 21:28

After reading your update, it seems like maybe you could benefit from individual counselling, even if this relationship is over.

Don't blame yourself for his bad choices! His decisions are his and are not your fault. If there were problems between the two of you, he could have chosen to speak to you about them rather than seek attention elsewhere.

OnceUponATimeInHollywood · 27/08/2020 21:32

I'm sorry this has happened to you OP. I don't think its you that's the problem. It's him. Only you can decide whether you could truly forgive and trust him. 3months is no time at all really. Couples counselling sounds like a good idea.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 27/08/2020 21:32

He needs to move out OP- you need and deserve to be selfish, have time to breath and comprehend everything

Greyblueeyes · 27/08/2020 21:38

This isn't your fault. He played on your insecurities and has been gaslighting you. That's cruel, OP.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 27/08/2020 21:39

It was his actions. Not you. He is responsible for hi actions. It was not your fault.

Do you believe him they never had sex? I'm really sorry to add to your worries but if you're saying he stayed out overnight multiple times, no body does that for just a friend they feel responsible for.

Anyway I think you need to do joint counselling to help answer some of your questions, and maybe individual to work on not feeling responsible and guilty for his shit behaviour.

FOJN · 27/08/2020 21:39

I'm fully open to counselling but I almost feel that this is my fault and I must have led him to seek whatever he needed elsewhere and I dont deserve to feel better.

NO! You are not responsible for the actions of another adult. Your husband took vows and if he wasn't happy in your marriage he had choices about how to deal with that. You are both responsible for your marriage but he is responsible for the emotional affair.

You were having an operation and he was absent to spend time with someone else. You deserve to feel better and you deserve better than that.

Your background might make it very difficult to trust him again; ask yourself whether you can endure the process of trying to do that or if you would heal more quickly and fully by cutting your losses.

You feel broken right now, who wouldn't, but it will get better. I wish you all the best.

Original poster

Buggeredpelvicfloor2013 · 27/08/2020 21:41

I dont know what it is that stops me saying to him I need space. I think im so scared that he will go and never come back and my babies will be without their dad and then what if Im not enough for them? Our little girl especially idolises him, i can't bear the thought of telling her he won't be living with us for a while. I'm so fucking mad at myself for being so weak!! Im so strong normally, I've had to be! Always, i'm there for everyone, I do whatever I can to help people through anything but when its me I get dragged back into this stupid loop of it being my own fault for thinking I deserved better. I worry life is good because it means bad is coming. I've had counselling previously as a child and then again as an adult a few times. Honest to god, im so much stronger than this but right now I feel destroyed. I cant thank you all enough for taking the time to reply to me.

OP posts:

Original poster

Buggeredpelvicfloor2013 · 27/08/2020 21:47

I did believe he didn't have sex with her when he first admitted everything. But now i question it. She's everything i'm not physically, shes 8 years younger, beautiful, thin. Never had kids so her boobs aren't down to her knees! I doubt she has stretch marks. But he's always told me that girls who look like her aren't his type..... was that a lie? Did it change? Im so, so sorry for venting all this. I just, my friends irl are brilliant but I dont want to be a burden when they have so much going on in their own lives. Not that you guys don't of course, i dont even know how to explain it.

OP posts:

Doggybiccys · 27/08/2020 22:00

OP I am sorry this has happened to you. I kindly suggest you post this in relationships or asked to get it moved - you will get tonnes of support and fantastic advice. Above all remember this - he is no longer on your team and he will lie and lie and minimise. It’s happened to so many women and lots have told such similar stories in the relationships forum.

Doggybiccys · 27/08/2020 22:00

And google the script

Abitofalark · 27/08/2020 22:04

There's nothing unreasonable on your part whether you can forgive or not. It's not something you can force or anticipate but something that you will arrive at or not.This awful situation you've been plunged into isn't of your making. You can only deal with it as you find. Nor is forgiving or not forgiving a priority at the moment. The priority is for you to hold yourself up as best you can and take care of yourself by not crushing yourself with responsibility for this and by getting what support and comfort can be had from supportive close ones, if any, in your own family and / or going to a professional to work through.

It's only natural after a devastating blow like this that you feel vulnerable and apt to feel it's your fault - and only too easy, when old pain creeps back, to fall prey to feeling that you are not enough and will never be and that it is your fault but in my view, it is he who is not enough and whose treacherous doing this is. I'm only sorry for what you are going through, feeling shattered while having to try to pick yourself up and cope with it all. Do not be all alone with it.

JM10 · 27/08/2020 22:12

As pps have said, only you know if you can forgive this op.

What I would say is if another a month of effort things went back to not being great again, do you think your marriage is actually going to work out? It needs significant effort, openness and honesty from both of you.

Poptart4 · 27/08/2020 22:27

Many couples get over infidelity but it takes time. Theres nothing wrong in wanting to keep your family together but in order to start the healing process he has to stop lying. I'm sorry op but he has 100% been having sex with this woman. Deep down you must know that.

I cant stand liars especially when they've been caught out and still continue to lie.

You need to have an open and frank conversation. Tell him your willing to work through this but if he continues to lie hes making it impossible for you to stay in the relationship. You cant rebuild on a foundation of lies.

Please remember this is not your fault, you have done nothing wrong. Be kind to yourself.

EKGEMS · 27/08/2020 23:55

How would your children "lose their father" if you show them how a woman demands respect and fidelity in a relationship by leaving a man who lied and cheated on their mother? You already been through so much disrespectful and nastiness-I mean,come on he literally wasn't there for you after an operation!

Anordinarymum · 28/08/2020 00:05

@Buggeredpelvicfloor2013

I dont know. I genuinely don't know. I think im fine then im not. 10 and a half years together and I find out that on our 10th anniversary he started up 'something' with another woman. His assistant. How cliche. We have two beautiful kids, i thought we had a strong marriage. I found out in May, it had been going on since January, I had an op in Feb and he wasn't there, he was with her in the office. I think i knew deep down something was going on because he was so distant, away multiple times a month for work when before he was NEVER away. On his phone all the time. Stopped communicating. But everytime I asked he told me nothing was going on, he was fine, just stressed with work. Outright lied to my face. Told me I was paranoid, imagining problems when there weren't any. I found out in May about her because she text him at night and he'd nipped up to check on our daughter. We were expecting a message from his Mum so I grabbed the phone and it flashed up straight away showing it was from her. I asked him, i begged him to tell me and he told me I was mad. 2 days later he told me she was just a friend. Id never heard of her till that day. The day after, he told me she was someone he felt 'responsible' for. He'd been helping her through her break up. He swore he hadn't had sex, even kissed her so it wasn't an affair in his eyes. He admitted they had been having an emotional affair. But when I looked back through the history, they were sending 5000 messages to each other a month, jokey ILY messages, doing his and her quizzes, talking to each other from 6am to midnight some days.

I feel broken. We are 3 months on. He swore to me it would get better, HE would fix it. But it isnt. And I dont know what to do. The first month was a flurry of him changing his work pairings so he didn't have to see her, talking to her outright to admit it had gone too far. Being all over me, talking like we used to. But our relationship has declined again and I worry its me, im not enough, I will never be enough. I worry about the impact it will have on the kids although I never let them see me cry. Some days what he did doesnt cross my mind. Other days I obsess over it. Please, please be kind. I feel broken and I just need a handhold, not a lecture. AIBU to stay? Will this ever get any easier?

The one thing for me with threads like this where the guy gets found out and promises to stop etc.. etc.. is, what would have happened if he had not been found out?

Would it have eventually fizzled out because it was only sex - or would he have left you. Only you can answer this.

Is he staying with you because it was only sex and he never intended it to be anything else or is he staying now because he can't afford not to?

I suppose what I am saying is.. is he thinking of himself only ?

Sparklesocks · 28/08/2020 00:09

Please don’t blame yourself for this. He was in control of his actions and knew exactly what he was doing. He and he alone made the decisions he did, and kept them from you. Don’t make excuses for him. He should feel ashamed and be working hard to mend the rift he’s created, it’s telling that he’s not.

You were betrayed and you got very hurt. It’s absolutely normal to hold onto that resentment and find it difficult to forgive.

Some couples get past infidelity but it takes a lot of work - particularly from the guilty party. Only you can decide what you want to do and what your limits are. Be kind to yourself and feel what you need to.

Lipz · 28/08/2020 00:20

Sorry this has happened to you.

You do know he's had sex with her. There's no chance he's been heading away so much and not had sex with her. They always say nothing happened.

Only you can decide on what to do. First you need complete honesty, then counselling then decide if your marriage can be repaired.

Take time to decide. It's scary, yes, but don't be a doormat, he was having a relationship, he obviously has feelings for her, they don't go overnight, you need to set out your rules and what you expect and want to happen.

MsDogLady · 28/08/2020 06:07

You absolutely do deserve better, OP. Just as your daughter would if her future partner betrayed her.

Your H lied, gaslighted, and cruelly allowed you to feel unsettled while he poured his emotional energy, time and attention into OW. Their connection sounds intense, and playing the cozy couple while you were having surgery is utterly despicable.

You most certainly did not ‘lead him into’ seeking an illicit relationship. His selfishness and weak boundaries did. He is responsible for his infidelity. If he had issues, he could have dealt with them with integrity instead of choosing to lie and cheat.

This liar is still lying. You do not have the full story, so you don’t know what you’re forgiving. H and OW did not just chat when they went away together. It is impossible to move forward until he comes clean. Tell him that. I would even insist on knowing what he told OW about you and your marriage. Until you know the truth about everything, he and OW will still have their secrets and your marriage/family will have a malignancy.

He does need to leave while you work through this trauma that he is responsible for. He has had zero consequences for betraying you and the children. You would set up a co-parenting routine.

Please seek individual counseling to gain clarity and process your thoughts and feelings. Your pain is palpable and the support of an experienced counselor would be a godsend.

oreshina · 28/08/2020 06:35

The gaslighting is so cruel. Please put yourself first here because your partner hasn't been. You deserve better than this. He needs to be all in. The 'I will try my best to be better' is not going to give you the reassurance you need to start forgiving. You need to focus on making yourself stronger then you can make some decisions about what is going to be best for you and your kids.