AIBU to struggle to forgive

[Buggeredpelvicfloor2013]

I dont know. I genuinely don't know. I think im fine then im not. 10 and a half years together and I find out that on our 10th anniversary he started up 'something' with another woman. His assistant. How cliche. We have two beautiful kids, i thought we had a strong marriage. I found out in May, it had been going on since January, I had an op in Feb and he wasn't there, he was with her in the office. I think i knew deep down something was going on because he was so distant, away multiple times a month for work when before he was NEVER away. On his phone all the time. Stopped communicating. But everytime I asked he told me nothing was going on, he was fine, just stressed with work. Outright lied to my face. Told me I was paranoid, imagining problems when there weren't any. I found out in May about her because she text him at night and he'd nipped up to check on our daughter. We were expecting a message from his Mum so I grabbed the phone and it flashed up straight away showing it was from her. I asked him, i begged him to tell me and he told me I was mad. 2 days later he told me she was just a friend. Id never heard of her till that day. The day after, he told me she was someone he felt 'responsible' for. He'd been helping her through her break up. He swore he hadn't had sex, even kissed her so it wasn't an affair in his eyes. He admitted they had been having an emotional affair. But when I looked back through the history, they were sending 5000 messages to each other a month, jokey ILY messages, doing his and her quizzes, talking to each other from 6am to midnight some days.

I feel broken. We are 3 months on. He swore to me it would get better, HE would fix it. But it isnt. And I dont know what to do. The first month was a flurry of him changing his work pairings so he didn't have to see her, talking to her outright to admit it had gone too far. Being all over me, talking like we used to. But our relationship has declined again and I worry its me, im not enough, I will never be enough. I worry about the impact it will have on the kids although I never let them see me cry. Some days what he did doesnt cross my mind. Other days I obsess over it. Please, please be kind. I feel broken and I just need a handhold, not a lecture. AIBU to stay? Will this ever get any easier?

It isn't your fault, don't feel obliged to forgive him. He should be on his knees begging you to take him back but you still don't need to. If you're angry then be angry. Don't brush over it or let him minimise what he did

If I were you I'd prioritise getting him to admit he's slept with her. Tell him you can't go forward till he has done that. Tell him the lies are worse than the deed. Tell him anything to trick him into admitting it.

Of course we all know both are equally vile but I feel like you are hanging on to hope that he hasn't slept with her and therefore do not want to break up the family. I totally understand that. But if he'd come right out and admitted he'd been having sex you may have found it easier to have got him to leave. Not easy but a bit easier

He lied to you, full stop.
He has said he will fix it and he hasn’t, probably because that’s a lie too.
I wouldn’t be staying with a liar, I’d be kicking his sorry ass out.
But it’s your choice.

I think what scares me the most is that I have no family to run to. I have friends but they have their own lives and I dont want to disrupt them, its not fair on them. Ive just lost my job too, (thanks coronavirus) so I feel financially unstable. I'm so cross as myself for allowing myself to rely on someone other than myself, for letting someone in and allowing myself to be hurt again. I'm going to ask him to go to his parents to give me breathing space, after he has told me the gods honest truth - if he is capable. Thank you everyone. Heads a bit clearer this morning. X

Good luck. Let us know how it goes. In my own experience Women's Aid were very supportive if the emotional abuse is overwhelming.

You're only three months down the line. Even if you want to try and make it work, I don't think it's unreasonable to say you need to separate while you work out your feelings. His betrayal is huge. Absolutely massive. It's not up to him to assume you're ok because he's offered an apology.

I hope you come back to the thread to get some more support.

Our little girl especially idolises him, i can't bear the thought of telling her he won't be living with us for a while. You have to keep telling your self it is not you who has caused this.

If your husband was unhappy then he should have talked to you and talked things through to improve your marriage. He should not have had an illicit relationship with his assistant!

Nor should he have lied to you continuously.

If he moves out for a bit get him to tell your children. And remind yourself it is his fault that this is happening, not yours.

Maybe you can work things out but after months of lying and telling you you were being paranoid, then I doubt you will manage it. Sorry.

I hope you can find a new job and get your new life started.