To think that most people don’t have secrets from their other half?

[TicTacTTT]

I had a pretty rough childhood and suffered lots of emotional abuse at the hands of one of my parents. I was neglected and my basic human needs weren’t met. I faced so much rejection daily despite trying to do everything I could to make my parent happy.

In my teen years, I went completely off the rails. I would drink to excess and black out, I would sleep around out of sheer desperation. I was also taken advantage of by a number of men when I was passed out.

I think a part of me felt like sex was all I had to offer and the only thing anyone would be interested in me for.

I met my now DH when I was still in this dark time in my life and he truly saved me. One huge secret I have from DH is that I was unfaithful to him multiple times when we first became exclusive. I was 20 at the time.

I struggle with anxiety and depression and attend counselling now for this. My counsellor has told me that many people have secrets and that I’m not alone with this. She has asked me, who would benefit by me coming clean and has told me that she doesn’t believe I would be able to cope in any way with confessing all of this given my current mental state.

DH and I met 12 years ago when I had just turned 20. I was young and stupid and I can’t see how I can forgive myself for what I did to him back then. We now have children too.

I’m just questioning what my counsellor has told me. Is it really true that lots of people are living with these sorts of secrets?

I think you need to stop beating yourself up about this and I agree that it's probably not in anyone's best interests to tell your DH now. It was 12 years ago and I assume you have been faithful since? Try and focus on what you have now and on your future together with your DH.

I generally believe in honesty between partners but I think in this sort of instance you have to think about the effect that honesty is going to have on them. I don’t believe that you seeking absolution for very long past mistakes is going to achieve anything here except a great deal of hurt all round. In this instance then, yes, I would live with that secret.

I guess there would be many people living with secrets like that considering the size of the population. But I am not sure I would say a large proportion of the population would be though.

Your councillor is suggesting this would be best kept a secret, I would be inclined to agree. No good would come of a confession at this point.

I think generally honesty is the best policy and couples shouldn’t have big secrets. But in your case I wonder what would be gained from telling him now? If you are now faithful and have no intention of being otherwise ever again, I think it will only cause hurt and pain to tell him the truth. I would try to make peace with the past if you can.

I think at this point telling him is a selfish act, you would only be doing it to lessen your guilt and the burden of keeping this secret. I don't think it would be fair on your oh to tell him now imo

It was a period of transition between being a vulnerable person struggling to gain any affirmation she could find and the start of being the person you are now. Try to make peace with yourself about it. Understand and forgive. Show yourself the compassion you would show to anyone else.

Here though, I think you’d only be telling your husband for selfish reasons as in, to alleviate your own guilt and anxiety. Telling him, 12 years after the fact when you have since been faithful and had children will do little to help your relationship.

You know you messed up. You’ve proven your not going to do it again.

Tbh I don't hold any secrets from DH

It's unhealthy to have such a big secret within a marriage

However if your counselor has told you not to tell him then I would listen

You've posted about this before. Tbh a bad childhood does not excuse cheating on youre dh mutilple times with different men. If a man posted this he would get a bashing. Personally I think youre dh has a right to know, its the mn double standards and people will tell you to keep it to yourself however if you were male it would be different story.

I think listen to your counselor on this one. Telling him now would achieve nothing.

I don’t think a lot of people have secrets on relationships, yes. Some big, some small.

Honesty is incredibly important.

Having said that I agree with your counsellor. Your OH is fine not knowing. It might be eating away at you, so you are only relieving your own stresses by telling him. Maybe you feel like you need to do that regardless to move forward with your MH but it would no be to his benefit I feel.

You were young and carrying a lot of emotional pain from your childhood. Be kind to yourself. Forgive yourself.

I agree with your counsellor. Telling him now wouldn't benefit anyone. I've got a secret that I have no intention of ever telling my fiancé. I told him one small part of it and we nearly broke up so I'm definitely not going to tell him the whole thing! We have a child and it would create a lot of arguments for no reason. He doesn't need to know.

I agree with what your Counsellor is saying but I thought Counsellors are meant to help you in coming to your own conclusion not tell you what they think?

Plenty of people will have secrets from their partners, from little ones to big ones and anyone who says they don’t is probably lying.

Personally I think youre dh has a right to know, its the mn double standards and people will tell you to keep it to yourself however if you were male it would be different story.

I disagree, if my husband cheated on me 30 years ago within the first few years of our relationship but had spent 27 years being faithful I really wouldn't want to know.

In fact, if he now told me "because of the guilt" I'd be deeply unimpressed that he was telling me to make himself feel better at the risk of potentially deeply hurting me.

@dolorsit has it in spades

I don’t think people generally have big secrets, no - but your counsellor was clearly trying to encourage you to leave this be; and let sleeping dogs lie. If believing that other people have this secret too helps you with that, it’s not doing any harm.

The urge to ruin things that seem to be going well so that they can’t be ripped from you isn’t unusual in those of us with abusive childhoods. Telling your husband now won’t help him, or your family, and it might not even alleviate any guilt. You’ve proven that you can remain faithful since, and no good will come of telling him after this many years, really.

I would want to know if my husband had cheated whether it was 12 hours or 12 years ago, and I’m usually really big on honesty, but even I think that you’re better to let sleeping dogs lie here, and keep engaging with the counsellor.

Have compassion on your younger vulnerable self. You have left her behind, I don’t think there’s a need for more emotional trauma by telling him. And I say that as someone who has been cheated on, I wouldn’t want to know if I was your DH. I don’t think it would help anyone. Sounds like you had an incredibly difficult start to life, be proud that you have built a strong relationship and life from that.

Another one going with @dolorsit here.

It feels like you have spent your life getting to a point where you have overcome a horrible start. And now you’re loved, loving, happy and settled. To do this now feels almost self sabotage.

Don't tell him!! I'd much rather not have known about my DH's affair. It completely devastated me and still is incredibly painful years afterwards. I think it really shocked DH how traumatic it was for both of us.

Eh you need to chill. You're a different person now.

Really I think you just want to tell your H to absolve your guilt somehow, or for him to be angry at you and 'prove' to you that you are a 'bad person'. Your childhood has likely made you feel like you are somehow not a good person (I've been there, I know how it feels), or not deserving of love, but you are.

My bff has this type of secret from her husband. They have been together since they were 18 and she cheated on him a few times around 20. Happily married for many years now. She feels shit about not telling him back then, but knows that it serves no purpose now.

Try not to let this ruin your life. Your counsellor is right. Lots of people have secrets.

I agree. This is about you forgiving yourself. You don’t need to confess this to your partner. It’s in the past. Time to let it go.

You won't absolve yourself of any guilt you're feeling –you'll just cause more pain watching your DH hearing it, processing it and deciding what to do about it. It's to no one's benefit, presuming you've been faithful since. I think it's more important to look at why you want to tell him. It seems like more destructive behaviour when the risks include splitting up your family.

And in answer to your question, I suspect those kinds of secrets are more common than you'd realise. Remember when those genetics kits came out? There were so many stories from that of mothers who kept secrets of babies who weren't their partner's.

Working on forgiving yourself is more important than seeking forgiveness from him. You were a product of your environment and you've emerged from that. Work with your therapist on letting that go.

Thank you so much for the replies. I do understand the fact that telling him would be selfish of me. I’ve even contemplated leaving him and starting over. That’s not what I want in any way shape or form but I’m just finding it impossible to forgive myself and also feel like my husband deserves someone who can be honest with him. If only I could go back and do things differently 😔