AIBU to be scared of other people falling pregnant?

[Candycrush426]

Hi all, so my partner and I have been TTC for 2 years with no luck.

Currently on Clomid cycle three and will see if this is hopefully the month.

My partners sister is getting married soon and I know they will want to try for children pretty much straight away. I know my situation has made them think that it’s better not to put it off as you don’t know what could happen. Fair enough.

If she’s blessed and falls pregnant straight away I will honestly be over the moon for them. Three of my close friends have had babies in the last year and honestly the happiness I have had for them is unreal.

But when I go home alone with my thoughts my heart breaks for me.

Is it normal and ok for me to dread when his sister tells me she’s expecting? I know I’d be so so so happy for them but I don’t know how I’d control my emotions?

AIBU for thinking this so far ahead 🤦🏻‍♀️

Thanks

Aww OP, I am so sorry.

Of course you aren’t being unreasonable. You can be happy that someone is getting something they want and still feel sad for yourself because it hasn’t happened for you yet.

It’s ok to look after yourself and protect your feelings.

I really hope pregnancy happens for you soon

You sound really lovely. When I couldn't conceive (took 4 years and IVF to get DS) I was utterly heartbroken and angry. I learnt to smile, say the right things and go home and get all my emotions out. I wasn't alone in this (in fact, it was that that brought me to mumsnet as a regular on the infertility boards)

You are normal. Look after yourself

It’s totally normal. Hope it happens for you soon.

It's perfectly normal (and even healthy) to acknowledge your own pain and sadness here. You sound absolutely lovely, being so positive and happy for the people you love.

It's never unreasonable to be sad when it comes to this; it is never unreasonable to be open about your feelings. I hope so much that this cycle works for you.

Not even a little bit unreasonable. I'm sorry you're struggling. I'm in the same place. My sil told me that they are ttc. We've been trying for almost 2 years now and not even a sniff of a bfp so I will find it very difficult if she falls first. It is OK to be in pain because someone else has the joy you so desperately want x

YANBU and I agree, it’s horrible. We’ve been struggling for infertility for over 5 years, including several failed IVFs and pelvic surgeries that mean I won’t conceive naturally. I feel like I see a pregnancy announcement at least every month, and the ones closest to me hit deepest. It’s really tough. Just remember this is YOUR life and there is never a need to benchmark against anyone else. You’re early days with clomid too. Wishing you all the best

I think it’s totally normal, I was in the same situation for a long time (lucky in the end though) and it’s really shit. I never let it show though, I didn’t want people to have to tiptoe around me with good news. Easier said than done sometimes, right enough.

Aw I'm so sorry you're struggling. I've struggled with multiple miscarriages in the past and I too would anticipate and dread people falling pregnant. Like you, I'd be happy for them but sad for myself. It's totally normal. You know that it hurts to see others having what you desperately want and so it's hard not to dread it happening. Your feelings are natural and valid so definitely don't beat yourself up about them. Wishing you lots of luck for the future!

Thank you all for your kind words.

It’s helpful to know a lot of people have been or are on the same journey as me.

I think I really did need to know it’s ok to put myself first sometimes .

💕

That sounds awful op. However, their situation doesn’t change yours.
Also, it’s not your child they’re having, it’s theirs.

Try and see past the jealousy. Comparison is the their of joy, as they say.

I hope your time comes soon op x

Comparison is the thief of joy’

It is so so so so hard. I'm having some counselling and I think what she would advise is the accept your feelings and not be angry with yourself for that. It's horrible when people go 'ahahah I wasn't even trying, had no idea it would be that fast, etc.' Gutting.

I dread the news of my friends who already have children having more, and have illogical thoughts like they are greedy. It's about accepting these thoughts come from a place of pain and don't make you ur or a bad person. It's about compassion to yourself and accepting this hellish pain and not thinking your feelings are wrong.

I had one chemical pregnancy in two years trying. Soon after that someone I know posted a photo of their new baby with 'how's your lockdown project going?' I almost commented 'oh mine died, thank you for asking,' but in the end I just deleted them. I felt guilty but my pain and fury at their thoughtless glibness was fine as it was mine and a response to a horrible thing.

I know exactly how you feel. It's perfectly normal to feel upset as well as pleased about other people's baby news. I don't think there's anything that can be said that can change that.

I really hope you get your good news soon.

@Jellybeansincognito

That sounds awful op. However, their situation doesn’t change yours. Also, it’s not your child they’re having, it’s theirs.

Try and see past the jealousy. Comparison is the their of joy, as they say.

I hope your time comes soon op x

You don’t actually get it, do you?

I am going back a lot of years now, to before I had mine.

But do others know you are ttc? I found it was easier if they didn't know. So when they announced their pregnancy I could smile and say 'good on you, great news!' without having the sympathetic side-smiles and the 'it will happen for you soon' faces.

Fingers crossed for you.

I'm in the same boat, it's so normal. I sent flowers to a friend who recently gave birth, kind of to make up for not being 'around' as much and to let her know I was happy for her.

It's good to say and do all the right things, even if it's painful

Only a few of my close friends and my immediate family know we are trying to conceive. Just like you I don’t want the pity or feel people have to hide their happiness. My close friend is pregnant and she has acted so normal with me which I really appreciate she’s been a big support but hasn’t made me feel bad at all.

It's normal to feel this way, I think. Deep down you are happy for them, and you also know fine well that their ability to conceive doesn't affect your ability to conceive.

But it also feels just so unfair, and it's such a harsh reminder of your own 'failure'. We've been actively trying for just over 2 years and have lost 3. There was a two week period last month when 7 friends announced they were expecting, and all were 4 months plus gone. All 7 met their partners/got married at least a year after we did. I was just about broken by the last announcement.

I've noticed that some friends, even when they don't know for sure you are trying, are a bit more sensitive and send a text or something. The worst one was a couple who turned up 6 months pregnant 'Surprise!' and then spent half the evening smugly saying things like 'you've got to really want a baby'. I kept having to leave the garden to go upstairs and cry.

I think that it is normal to feel like that. I am 50 now and unfortunately never did conceive. I was always genuinely and outwardly pleased for others, but a little sad for myself in private. I agree with an earlier post that this might be easier to do if you don’t tell anyone you are TTC.

@Florencex

I think that it is normal to feel like that. I am 50 now and unfortunately never did conceive. I was always genuinely and outwardly pleased for others, but a little sad for myself in private. I agree with an earlier post that this might be easier to do if you don’t tell anyone you are TTC.

Me neither, late 50s now. The very worst time was when DH's friend rang to tell us they were expecting on the very day we'd found out our 2nd IVF hadn't worked. Of course he wasn't to know, and I was happy for them but I howled after putting the phone down.

“Comparison is the thief of joy” is always trotted out on this sort of thread and it’s trite and unhelpful. Do you think anyone wants to feel like this?

Op it’s entirely normal and if you look on the infertility board you’ll see many of us struggle with this.

You've echoed my sentiments entirely. It's really hard. Good luck to you xx

It’s normal. When you’re struggling to conceive and someone announces their pregnancy it hurts. I put on a brave face and did my crying at home. Hopefully your relative will be sensitive to your situation should they get pregnant quickly. However some people struggle to understand how devastating infertility / pregnancy loss is unless it happens to them.

Good luck with your next cycle

I think this can be normal even if someone isn't TTC, themselves. You're happy for the other person, but it can still can create a feeling of being "left behind". Obviously it must be much harder for someone who's TTC, but even if you aren't actively planning on having children, it's a very sharp reminder that time's getting on, and there can be a certain amount of stress, pressure, and anxiety associated with that ticking clock!

Wishing you luck!

Oh OP, you sound like such a kind and considerate person! I'm not sure I would have it in me to feel genuine happiness if I was in your situation. The fact that you can shows how wonderful you are. Please don't feel bad for dreading pregnancy announcements, I think it's completely normal to find them difficult. I hope other people are considerate, whether they know of your struggles or not.