AIBU to be scared of other people falling pregnant?

[Candycrush426]

Hi all, so my partner and I have been TTC for 2 years with no luck.

Currently on Clomid cycle three and will see if this is hopefully the month.

My partners sister is getting married soon and I know they will want to try for children pretty much straight away. I know my situation has made them think that it’s better not to put it off as you don’t know what could happen. Fair enough.

If she’s blessed and falls pregnant straight away I will honestly be over the moon for them. Three of my close friends have had babies in the last year and honestly the happiness I have had for them is unreal.

But when I go home alone with my thoughts my heart breaks for me.

Is it normal and ok for me to dread when his sister tells me she’s expecting? I know I’d be so so so happy for them but I don’t know how I’d control my emotions?

AIBU for thinking this so far ahead 🤦🏻‍♀️

Thanks

What’s your problem? @SerenDippitty

Thankfully no, I don’t understand.
I was commenting in response to what op had said, I didn’t invalidate her feelings and I don’t think what I wrote was insensitive based on the opening post.

It’s like grief, everyone deals with it differently. The facts are emotionally useful to many.

But sorry, I’ll make sure I understand the suffering before I post well wishes next time.

It’s normal OP, I’m the same. Although, I don’t tend to feel happy for people, I just feel sad for me. I don’t like the emotion but it is what it is. For me, the hardest thing about struggling to conceive is how it makes me feel about other people’s pregnancies and babies.

You’re not alone in this.

@Jellybeansincognito

I get what you’re trying to say, but it does come across like you don’t understand at all and would be better off saying nothing.

I understand completely OP, and it is another of the cruelties of infertility and loss that it robs you of joy - both for yourself and for other people. I kept the pretence up of feeling happy for people around me getting pregnant, and they hopefully never knew the truth, but the reality was that their pregnancy made me feel gut wrenching sadness at my own situation. I dreaded pregnancy announcements and dreaded the anticipation of them almost as much. Oddly I was fine when they had their babies, it was the pregnancy itself that caused me such grief. Having read alot of similar accounts from women I know that this is normal and to be expected and not something to feel guilty about. It isn’t about wishing sadness on anyone else, but feeling sadness that their happiness hasn’t yet been visited on you.

Hugs, and a reminder that there are many of us who understand your pain.

YANBU As a single, childless 36 year old who always wanted children, as much as I am delighted for my friends who seem to constantly be having children, it’s also really painful and with every happy “congratulations” and a warm hug to the happy couple, I always end up breaking down in tears afterwards when I’m on my own. For now, I’ve had to give baby showers etc a miss as it’s just too painful. But always with a decent excuse and a gift sent.

Those who have never struggled to have children will 99% of the time never understand the pain of not having them when you so desperately want them and know it may never happen. You can’t help the emotions you have and you aren’t a terrible person for having them. It’s perfectly normal. Be kind to yourself and know that many of us have these feelings and understand the kind of trauma involved.

I really really hope that it all works out for you and that it’s you making an announcement soon enough

It is natural to feel apprehensive about other couples announcing their pregnancies when you are still hoping to start one.

Being practical and thinking ahead to the worst case scenario (SiL's announcement when you're still TTC) you might find yourself spontaneously crying a bit.

Similar happened to me and I was prepared with the line 'Oh, I'm so happy for you both!' and a hankie at the ready.
All true of course, but it also covered my little pang of envy.

Totally normal to feel the way you do @Candycrush426.

It took us 7 years to conceive, and during that time lots of people had wonderful news, including my sister who conceived easily 3 times. Although I was over the moon for them, there was a little kernel of me that found it hard, sometimes harder than others.

I hope you turn comes around soon

Totally normal.

I did ivf too and I distinctly remember secretly looking at my friends with horror when they made excuses not to drink or go in hot tubs and I just knew what was coming.

It’s a horrible feeling.

You are definitely not being unreasonable. I was in a similar position to you. Trying for a year, then SIL (who never wanted kids) got pregnant after trying once. I hugged her and smiled and acted incredibly excited, but then I went into the kitchen and sobbed. I drank a lot of wine that night. I conceived about 4 months later thankfully.

I really really hope it happens soon for you. Its the most emotional thing anyone can do. You have my thoughts. If those around you do conceive before you, it will be hard, but try to keep positive for the future.

Thank you all for your kind words. For everyone trying I hope your time also comes soon 💕

I think I get scared that everyone else’s life will move on and I’m in the same place. But I have to count the blessings I already have in place at this time x

I've been there and it's absolutely rotten. I gave myself a pulled muscle in my chest from trying to control my breathing after finding out a friend was pregnant in the first month of trying.

There has been some really good advice in this thread. I think the best thing for me was to acknowledge my feelings, even name them out loud to myself - "I feel jealous and sad". That allowed me to accept my feelings and put them into perspective. And don't beat yourself up for feeling that way - it's completely normal and understandable, as you can see from the responses here.

I'm not sure whether to add this because I know from experience that the "I tried for ages to have a baby and then it happened" stories are well intentioned but can actually make you feel worse. But, after two years of TTC and a failed round of IVF I fell pregnant naturally 20 weeks ago. So don't give up hope.

Yep, normal, I used to feel like that too