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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL just will not engage with DD!

48 replies

LampGenie · 26/08/2020 16:37

I have name changed as for various reasons I don't want this attached to other threads.

We have been visiting my MIL for the last week. Not once has she sat down or engaged with DD who's almost 10, even on interests I would say she had with DH that are shared by DD. MIL has, however, talked about DD's much younger cousin to me (SIL's child) at length.

Just now, I have just finished doing something protracted and involved with DD and thought MIL might want to engage with her so pointedly sais "Well DD you could do something with MIL". MIL just stands there silently. Yes, DD could jump in and say "MIL can you help me with x" but I think she is just so used to not getting much engagement she is almost resigned to it. Instead, what happened was that MIL went away, got some stuff that had been left on a previous occasion dropped them next to me, and basically said "you could do this with her" before walking out again.

I suppose in my head, for various reasons, I am not massively upset that she doesn't pine over MIL (various ways MIL has with her on a general level) so prefer she is closer to my Mum (which is the case). However, on the other hand AIBU to be upset, or more a little sad, for DD.

OP posts:
Bbang · 26/08/2020 16:45

I would just follow her and ask her what the issue is, I can appreciate you might not want to rock the boat though.

AryaStarkWolf · 26/08/2020 16:48

How odd, I wouldn't push it though, I wouldn't want someone forced to engage when she didn't want, for your daughters sake not your MILs, does your husband notice it? if so what does he say/think about it?

FlibbertyGiblets · 26/08/2020 16:50

Maybe MIL doesn't want to splice the two of you apart as you're busy doing protracted and involved activities? Or perhaps happy to just be with you all, less confident in leading activities?

GoldenHoops · 26/08/2020 16:55

Does your dd remind your MIL of someone she doesn't like. This happened in our family.

unmarkedbythat · 26/08/2020 16:56

Not once has she sat down or engaged with DD who's almost 10, even on interests I would say she had with DH that are shared by DD. MIL has, however, talked about DD's much younger cousin to me (SIL's child) at length.

Oh, that's very sad. Is your MIL better with younger children than older? One of those adults who fawn over babies and toddlers but are completely nonplussed once they get a bit older? Does your DD say anything or do anything to make you think she has noticed and is upset?

Beachbodylonggone · 26/08/2020 16:56

Sadly my mil had had it made abundantly clear by sil that a relationship with my dc was not acceptable... Seriously I backed away and took my dc with me.
They never witnessed the obvious divide although they knew really.
You do your dd no favours having her around op.

Alwaysinpain · 26/08/2020 17:01

@Beachbodylonggone

Sadly my mil had had it made abundantly clear by sil that a relationship with my dc was not acceptable... Seriously I backed away and took my dc with me. They never witnessed the obvious divide although they knew really. You do your dd no favours having her around op.
I'm genuinely in a state of shock that you didn't go apoplectic with both SIL & MIL! (Could easily be done whilst your DC weren't around)
Topseyt · 26/08/2020 17:06

It may be sad, but you can't make your MIL have this relationship if she doesn't want it. Nor does it sound as though DD is all that bothered as she has got the measure of her grandmother.

You could directly ask MIL what she actually thinks she is doing when DD is next out of earshot. She'll very likely deny any issue, but it might just make her think a bit. Not guaranteed though.

bridgetreilly · 26/08/2020 17:15

Is it possible that she's actually the same with her other grandchildren? That she doesn't really engage but talks them up a lot afterwards, and might do the same about DD to others?

You can't make her, anyway. Just get on with looking after DD and minimise the amount of time DD has to spend with her grandmother.

heymacaroner · 26/08/2020 17:24

Impossible to give you any real advice because this could be down to loads of different things.
Some people just don't have that maternal feeling. She might not feel like she has anything in common with DD. She might feel intimidated by you or your parenting style. Lots of things. Try not to dwell on it - you can't force the relationship. Just carry on being a good mum and let her have the opportunity to bond even if she doesn't take it.

mrsmuddlepies · 26/08/2020 17:29

You write,
I am not massively upset that she doesn't pine over MIL (various ways MIL has with her on a general level) so prefer she is closer to my Mum (which is the case).
Perhaps your MIL recognises you prefer your daughter to be close to your mother so she feels there is no point in trying?

Beachbodylonggone · 26/08/2020 17:30

We visited once a week after school for an hour. Mil and sil did have words. But she either made a dramatic exit at 330 pm or flounced past the window - she lived across the road.. Not even a road just the pathway.. We lived 3 streets away and they never came round. Never babysat - fair enough - but not a single week end one of sils dc weren't having a sleepover at ils.. They went on holidays.. Ils even bought a static caravan.. Mine were never invited.
They see only 1 of my adult dc now and seem to have rewritten history. Chatting about ds as a dc. I bite my tongue really want to shout that they didn't bloody know him as a dc! Save your dc the misery op. Either your dh takes dd round and he can witness it all and deal with it - but ime you need to bow out.

Original poster
LampGenie · 26/08/2020 17:36

I told DH. He had words and MIL told him that she had asked DD if she wanted to do x and she said no. I was there. MIL said nothing of the sort. Amongst other things I had suggested x and DD said she usually did that with DH. A very different response to the one implied to DH

Maybe. I wondered that but I don’t go on about what my DM does at all. Ever.

OP posts:
mrsmuddlepies · 26/08/2020 17:41

I do think if you prefer your child to get on better with your own mother, your MIL will feel excluded and won't bother. People can often sense if someone is excluding them. I have seen lots of MILs made to feel second rate and they give up trying.
Perhaps ask your daughter to ask her about her father as a little boy. if she shows interest in her grandmother, I think it will make a big difference.

Original poster
LampGenie · 26/08/2020 17:45

I don’t think MIL could feel excluded. She has been on her own in lockdown and I have (me, not even DH) made a point of phoning her at least 4 times a week to make sure she was ok.

OP posts:
itsgettingweird · 26/08/2020 17:53

This is a difficult one.

On one hand I can see why it bothers you. It's not nice seeing others not interested in your child.

OTOH if I have visitors I don't engage in protracted activities with my child. I engage with my visitors and ds is expected to self entertain, sit with adults and join in discussion or he can ask visitor to do something with him (if family) whilst I make coffee or snacks or dinner or whatever.

I suspect MIL finds it hard when she visits to have you so engaged with something else?

ErinBrockovich · 26/08/2020 18:08

If it bothers you I’d be more direct with her.
“MiL can you help DD with x” etc.
Challenge and address the behaviour.

Icecreamsoda99 · 26/08/2020 18:14

I was 11 when my cousin was born, all my grandmother did was talk about my cousin, showed me endless pictures of her and never asked me questions. When I got a bit older I used to drive her mad as I used to answer "I don't mind" to all choices, she thought I was apathetic but I desperately wanted her approval and was terrified my choice would upset her. I was her son's daughter, new cousin was her daughter's daughter. I was the middle grandchild. I don't have any advice OP accept make sure your daughter knows your MIL actions are your MIL issues, and your daughter hasn't done anything wrong and doesn't warrant this treatment.

AuntyPasta · 26/08/2020 18:19

’You do your dd no favours having her around op.‘

This ^ I know you’re trying to improve things but all you’re managing to do is underline to your DD that her grandmother isn’t interested in her. Let it go.

TenDays · 26/08/2020 18:32

The other child is the favourite and that's all there is to it. Had this in my own family, where my hardworking studious law-abiding children were ignored by the grampies in favour of their workshy police-dodging cousins. It's mysterious.

M0mmyneedswine · 26/08/2020 18:46

Mil is like this since sil dc were born, any visit is just her talking about them and not showing interest in anything about ours. They are old enough to notice and have told her they know cousin is the favourite

Member345787 · 26/08/2020 18:51

I have this with my own mother who talks incessantly about my DN and makes no effort with my DC. DN is the son of the golden child (my DSis) but DSis split from his father and I wouldn't begrudge my DSis or DN the support they get from her although it upsets me that my DC miss out.

Previous poster's comment about MIL talking up the favourite child but not actually interacting with them rings bells for me. At family gatherings, my mother doesn't really interact with anyone (inc DN) but no doubt regales everyone else with stories about him after the event.

My DBrother and SIL noticed the same lack of interest in their DC and we secretly swap stories as a survival mechanism My mother recently caught us both out separately by asking us "have our DC joined the scouts?" At first I thought she was really interested in my DC and showing an interest Shock but it was just a way of starting a story about how DN had joined the cubs and was amazing! Sad

MrsZola · 26/08/2020 18:55

My MIL has NEVER engaged with my sons. She's now reaping the rewards because neither of them want anything to do with her. She is a narsassistic, selfish woman who makes everything about her and her life. She left DS1s wedding without saying goodbye to him, his wife or other family and was flying home the next day. DS1 was so upset and totally refuses to engage with her at all. It's very sad as they're her only grandchildren.

RandomTree · 26/08/2020 19:08

I agree with the poster suggesting that your MIL may be the same with your SIL's child. I've found that many grandparents love to talk about the grandchildren much more than actually engaging with them!

JeffVaderneedsatray · 26/08/2020 19:23

My DCs are my ILs only grandchildren. When the children were small I made huge efforts to take the children there - 4 hour drive, staying in hotels or crammed into a tiny spare room whilst DH slept the sleep of the just in the other room...... They just were NOT interested in doing anything hands on. They never read stories, played or did anything. However they did boast about them to all and sundry as if they were the second coming!
We rarely go now - I was fed up of being on edge and knackered from lack of sleep. We go a couple of times a year, stay for 3 or 4 days and my kids spend the time reading quietly. My MIL often says they seem to have nothing to say...
My Mum was totally hands on, always had toys ready, a craft box, special books to read at Grandmas etc etc My kids adore her and she knows them inside out.
My Dad - not so much playing with them but he would always read to them and talk to them. He is very proud of them and knows them really well. (My parents are divorced)
My DC are nearly 16 and 13. They have relationships with my mum and dad - will text/whatsapp them independently etc - because they know they are interested in them.