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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL just will not engage with DD!

48 replies

LampGenie · 26/08/2020 16:37

I have name changed as for various reasons I don't want this attached to other threads.

We have been visiting my MIL for the last week. Not once has she sat down or engaged with DD who's almost 10, even on interests I would say she had with DH that are shared by DD. MIL has, however, talked about DD's much younger cousin to me (SIL's child) at length.

Just now, I have just finished doing something protracted and involved with DD and thought MIL might want to engage with her so pointedly sais "Well DD you could do something with MIL". MIL just stands there silently. Yes, DD could jump in and say "MIL can you help me with x" but I think she is just so used to not getting much engagement she is almost resigned to it. Instead, what happened was that MIL went away, got some stuff that had been left on a previous occasion dropped them next to me, and basically said "you could do this with her" before walking out again.

I suppose in my head, for various reasons, I am not massively upset that she doesn't pine over MIL (various ways MIL has with her on a general level) so prefer she is closer to my Mum (which is the case). However, on the other hand AIBU to be upset, or more a little sad, for DD.

OP posts:
Original poster
LampGenie · 26/08/2020 19:25

Hmmm. I have seen her with the other DC. Much more engaged.

It’s funny - we have a number of savings accounts for DD started for her by us when she was small. MIL just said she was thinking about setting one up for her other GC. Amazing am how she will replicate our ideas. She did correct herself (‘of course not’) when I responded saying that obviously it wouldn’t be fair for the other GC to get contributions from her when our DC doesn’t but going on recent behaviour I wouldn’t trust that.

OP posts:
cptartapp · 26/08/2020 19:30

SIL DC will always be her favourite IME. We've been on the receiving end of similar over many years. FIL even called my nephews 'ours' once!
I know what PIL spent on my nephews for Xmas and birthdays (they let it slip) and what they spent on my DC and it wasnt comparable.
I think a lot less of them.

Original poster
LampGenie · 26/08/2020 19:30

She even asked me how to do it. I thought find out yourself.

OP posts:
GhostCurry · 26/08/2020 19:32

OP some of your posts don’t make sense to me. It’s like you’ve left some key words out.

Member345787 · 26/08/2020 19:38

Agree with previous posters, it is the GP loss if they don't interact with their grandchildren and build that relationship. And as soon as the grandchildren are old enough, they will reciprocate (or not!) with the family members who do give a damn!

Leaannb · 26/08/2020 20:09

@LampGenie

I don’t think MIL could feel excluded. She has been on her own in lockdown and I have (me, not even DH) made a point of phoning her at least 4 times a week to make sure she was ok.
Your daughter is 10 and the exclusion comes to that you prefer dd to have a relationship to your mom than her. Your MIL would be able to tell this from years and years of experiences. Unintentionally you could have excluded her from having a relationship with your daughter. Not one from you. Did you give her opportunities to be involved? Or did you invite your mom all the time?
1lov3comps · 26/08/2020 20:24

We have this too but dd is 12 now and wide to it despite our best efforts to gloss over / try and explain away any differences in treatment between our dc and SILs dc. We don't make much of an effort anymore and like the OP, both my dc much prefer spending time with my parents. Mine live nearly an hour away and regularly pop up to see us and dc if it's been a while whereas the IL live in the estate opposite and regularly turn down invites and never pop over unless it's to ask for help with something. We do call over to them often enough but little or no engagement with either dc - MIL used to be a CM!! Confused

topcat2014 · 26/08/2020 20:28

Mil lives 5 doors away. Dd views her as you would a Great aunt. Pleasant to each other but dd never gives any thought the rest of time.

Mil cannot relate to people generally I find

imissthebubonicplague · 26/08/2020 20:40

MIL favours her dgd (only girl) with both time and money. FIL tries his best to level the field.

I've made it clear that once they need extra care FIL can come and live with us but I've my cold dead body will MIL ! DSIL is welcome to that joy.

FIL would secretly love this scenario Grin

imissthebubonicplague · 26/08/2020 20:40

Over my cold dead body

pinksunday · 26/08/2020 21:02

Some people just aren't that maternal. My parents always interact with my kids my MIL will talk to them but doesn't do things with them. I've learned it's just the way she is and try not to let it bother me anymore. It's her loss! X

underneaththeash · 26/08/2020 21:09

My MIL likes my children on a photographic level - but has no interest in interacting with them otherwise. She did give DS and DS1 a bottle and attempted to babysit once. Kids are now older and she’s been equally useless at every age.

For some reason her preference is to be in the kitchen behind the island in my way. Pottering with bits of tissue.

I’ve tried so many ways of getting her to interact with one, two or all of the kids, explaining board games, crafts, dropping them off in the park to no avail. But, no she prefers to annoy me.

Chicchicchicchiclana · 26/08/2020 21:10

Your mil possibly comes from a generation where adults didn't actually interact with children much. My parents didn't really play with me or do activities as such with me (I have a memory of my Dad having a short phase of playing cards with me when he got home from work, when I was about 5 or 6). But otherwise children pretty much got on and did their own thing with very little input from adults.

The idea of children always needing to be entertained or "interacted" with is quite modern. Not so long ago children just sort of existed alongside their parents.

Original poster
LampGenie · 26/08/2020 21:22

Well I dunno ... as an adult I see my DM’s generally engaging and balanced behaviour as more favourable to my MIL’s general indifference. That would just be human I would have thought.

On the inviting my DM more, I don’t know if it would equal out as exactly the same but neither side is close locationally so it’s not like my MIL can pop over. Plus, the in laws never communicate, I won’t talk about one set to the other and DD doesn’t say ‘Lamps DM this or that’.

OP posts:
Original poster
LampGenie · 26/08/2020 21:26

Sorry DM can pop over

OP posts:
Emmmie · 26/08/2020 21:48

I had grandparents who never engaged with me ( despite living in the same house) and who openly favoured other grandchildren. When they both died I just felt indifferent. They did not deserve my love despite being my family.

Nanny0gg · 26/08/2020 22:08

@ErinBrockovich

If it bothers you I’d be more direct with her. “MiL can you help DD with x” etc. Challenge and address the behaviour.
I disagree. It puts MiL (and DD) on the spot.

It's not for anyone to 'challenge' as such, anyway. And definitely not in front of DD

Livelovebehappy · 26/08/2020 22:10

I think it depends on age of your in-laws too. Older grandparents, ie over 70, are not particularly hands on. And this is usually because they themselves weren’t hands on with their DCs - not as much time to spend on entertaining DCs back in the day as they didn’t have all the mod cons we have today and life wasn’t focused as much on playing with DCs, who were pretty much left to entertain themselves. Not a bad thing. I know my dm was not interactive really with my DCs when she looked after them when I was working, but I was just grateful she looked after them, and wasn’t particularly bothered that she didn’t get down on her hands and knees with them to play. Maybe if you left your dd with your mil for an afternoon, she would do something with her then?

Livelovebehappy · 26/08/2020 22:14

And just to add, even though my dm didn’t ‘play’ games with them, my now adult DCs have a very strong bond with my dm, and they are close to her, so it didn’t do their relationship any harm.

Spiderseason · 26/08/2020 22:14

Mrs muddle??

Your putting these onus on a small child to soothe the adult??

Cloudtraffic · 26/08/2020 22:15

Well you seem like hard work OP

Pretenditsaplan · 26/08/2020 22:16

Is there a possibility she doesnt think dd is her blood relation for some reason. A friend of mine had the same attitude from he mil to her ds. Her way of finding out was a little drastic. They went on a week long caravan holiday with her and her husband took the kids (note she was only like this with one out if the three kids) to the on site entertainment. She then plied her mil with strong drinks and start probing. 2 hours in mil blurted out the immortal words "well its not like ds is my family you cant expect me to treat him the same as my family." Turns out she fully believed my friend got pregnant after cheating (never happened). Nothing could convince her.
Not even a dna test in the end. The dna test wasnt for her benefit. When ds turned 18 he went on a family tree kick and everyone got a one of those dna tests that show close matches for Christmas. The chart clearly shows shes related to him. But no. On the other hand it did come out that fil wasnt the father to one of the husbands sisters but thats wrong also according to her.

Plumplumbadum · 26/08/2020 22:35

@Cloudtraffic

Well you seem like hard work OP
And you seem like a dick. Was that the best comment you could manage?
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