Pregnancy and My Team

[Shamoo]

Can’t decide if AIBU or what to do about the situation (maybe nothing).

I am a team leader of a team of around 10. In the last couple of months two of the women have announced they are pregnant. I am genuinely pleased for them and we are a very supportive business and team for pregnancy and leave (maternity and shared parental leave). I have been nothing but supportive of them both as a manager. In the background I have had three miscarriages in the last 18 months and have been on the exhausting IVF train. Nobody within this team knows (some at work do but my peers only) and I have no wish for them to know, I will definitely not be sharing with them.

The issue: we have a team WhatsApp group.
For work purposes (so I can’t not be it) but also there has always been a bit of chit chat. Not everyday, but wishing happy birthday, update on traffic, news from work etc. In the last few weeks it has become that they talk about their pregnancies endlessly on the group. Scan pictures, guessing if it’s boys or girls, how sick they are, what they are drinking or eating, what they are dreaming. Every. Single. Day.

I think I would think this was inappropriate even if I wasn’t on my journey, but I can’t be sure. I am finding it very difficult to deal with everyday. The only person who could speak to them about it is me, but I don’t want to do that if I’m reality I am being unreasonable. As I say, there has always been other chat on there to a degree, and I have no reason to believe anyone else has fertility issues in the team (they may of course, but I don’t think so). I definitely don’t want to give them the impression I (or the business) are not happy for them, and they clearly do not have the insight to understand the impact they may be having.

Does anybody have any thoughts? Would really appreciate.

You could either put a polite message on the Whatsapp group asking that they please keep the group about work-related issues only as discussing personal issues may mean information is missed by others and it is causing a lot of notifications that may be disturbing others.

Or you could mute the group and leave it.

If they take offence to it then frankly that's their issue, it'd be the same if they were updating the group on what they're having for dinner. It's not appropriate for this particular group.

We've got a work chat group and we've been told to keep in professional. At times it goes off topic and then the director reels it back in.

Could you not ask the team to keep to chit chat to a minimum so important work updates aren't missed?

Ask them to set up a separate WhatsApp chat for general chit chat but keep this one for work only.

I've been in a similar situation as a Team Manager and doing IVF. Team members falling pregnant or having terminations. It's so so hard. You smile and you are genuinely happy for them but at the same time you're crying inside "why can't it be me". I can't help much except to say keep the exterior smile , stay strong and have belief that your turn will happen. It's so hard but try and distance yourself from the chat. I'm wishing you all the luck in the world

Could you suggest they set up a separate group - say something like - lovely to see you all getting on so well but I'm worried a message that is important/work related may be missed if we're having personal conversations too.

Scan pictures, guessing if it’s boys or girls, how sick they are, what they are drinking or eating, what they are dreaming. Every. Single. Day.

Scan pictures - fine
guessing the sex, how sick they are, what they are eating or drinking, what they are dreaming - not fine

The reason is it is ok for tiny amounts of small talk on a work group WhatsApp but too much means people will mute the group or leave it so will miss important workplace information.

No one is stopping them setting up their own group WhatsApp for the colleagues who they socialise with outside of work.

I'd start a separate group, invite them and tell them you did it so you can keep the work group free of too much chit chat.

Then just put the new group on mute.

TBH I would imagine the other 6 or 7 members of the team might be getting a bit jaded by all the pregnancy chit chat from the other two so I don't think you would be at all unreasonable to tactfully suggest the group is kept for only work-related topics. There will probably be a huge sigh of relief from the rest of the team

Perhaps suggest two work WhatsApp groups, one for chat and one for work issues. That way you can filter out the “crap”

If there's a lot of traffic on the group perhaps something like 'wow, I've just come back to 35 messages! I love how much of a team we all are - I'm a bit worried that work related stuff might get missed in amongst everything else so can we make an 'off topic' group and keep this one for work stuff only?'

Then mute the off topic group or only go on it when you feel strong enough.

It is shit. I'm on a mat cover role and loads of my colleagues are also pregnant. There's only so much you can keep a lid on the wishing it was you, but also being asked every 5 mins when you're having a baby...

I think YABU only because you can't expect them not to want to talk about it in said group if they don't know your situation. I am sorry about your situation & I can relate/have had several miscarriages and a twin stillbirth but from experience whether it's in that group or just around you, it will upset you. Its not something you can just get over.. you have to get through it. When you finally have your rainbow baby in your arms, think about the woman who is currently battling fertility issues/whose had miscarriages etc.
I would personally mute the group. If you are the leader, then anything you post will be more important.
Good luck.

They are not being professional and are a tad self absorbed to think the whole team need to be updated on their pregnancies on a work group. So sorry op. They should not have put you in a position where you have to deal with this. "I am setting up a separate group for chat so we can keep this one work based so as not to miss any relevant updated and make is easier to refer back when necessary. Please let me know if you want to be added to chat?"

Hi OP, I’m sorry you’re going through this, it must be awful. I also had three miscarriages and understand how hard it is to have to listen to pregnancy talk at work when you just want an escape from it all.

I honestly think it’s inappropriate for these colleagues to use a work WhatsApp group to discuss their pregnancies in such detail. I would have thought the same thing even before my own mc. They really should know better as it isn’t appropriate for work, hearing about other people’s pregnancies in great detail is not interesting (unless you’re a family member / close friend and even then there are limits!) and it is very insensitive these days when most people are aware that others may experience infertility / ttc struggles.

Could you consider talking to colleagues generally and asking them to limit non-work related topics on the group? Or could you talk to the pregnant colleagues and let them know others are finding their conversations tough due to miscarriages (while not mentioning that it’s your own issue)? Perhaps if HR or another manager is aware of your situation they could have a word - while not mentioning your situation specifically.

Well done for showing such patience and best wishes with your IVF.

As a manager I would send a message along the lines others have suggested about keeping the group for work.
I would also add in something along the lines of How wonderful the news is but please bear in mind not everyone is as fortunate. As this is a work group people do not have the option of opting out.

Thanks all for all of your suggestions and support, very helpful. I definitely can’t just leave the group. A second group is a good idea and I will probably do that.

@Iwouldlikesomecake I think that’s a very good way to approach, I couldn’t work out how to phrase it but I like that a lot.

@OnceUponATimeInHollywood, in all of our 121s I ask them how they are, how it’s progressing etc. I am totally supportive. I would expect them to chat a bit about it if they were in the office. I had no issue with the announcements on the messages of course, or actually an occasional update too. But we are talking at least 10 messages every day on it. I’m tired, I need a drink, I had a crazy hormone dream, I can’t feel kicking yet, I think it’s a boy, does this look like a boy or a girl and on and on and on. But I do know they are excited and they don’t know my position. I don’t think it’s malice on their part at all. I just don’t think it’s appropriate. But I get I am sensitive.

Thank you also for all your kind words! Very much appreciated 🙏

You're not at all unreasonable to ask them to keep it to work only on that particular group. I'm on two groups at work, the management one which is STRICTLY work only (the MD clamps down hard if it goes off topic) and a team one that is a bit of work info but mostly memes, moaning and pictures of my colleague's puppy.

Work chats are for work, so you're not being unreasonable but I do think you need to find a way to get through it.

The breastfeeding thread recently just goes to show how censored some people are and it shouldn't be like that. No one should be censored, but likewise you need to speak up (to someone, a doctor, psychologist, counsellor, friend) and try and find a way for others pregnancies to not get to your mental health.

When I was pregnant, and sick every day, my mental health really suffered. You couldn't tell from the outside, but my only reprieve was being able to let off steam with my colleagues because I spent most of my week with them and they were like my family. Unfortunately for them they heard about how sick I was, a lot because talking about it made me feel less lonely.

So absolutely, ask them to keep work chats professional, but your fertility journey may go on for some time and you will hear about pregnancies a lot when you're a team leader because you're expected to deal with workplace management of pregnancy and maternity.

I think it’s difficult if the chat has always had some bits of chit chat on but you are the manager and what you say goes, so I would put a text on saying going forward can we have work related chat on this group only.

I think @Iwouldlikesomecake's wording is perfect.

I'm in a work Whatsapp and chat can be more personal than work at times but largely it's work related. As a childfree person I would be bored rigid by lots of pregnancy chat. Beyond the initial "Congrats, brilliant news" and the occasional "how are things going?" I really don't need to hear about morning sickness and certainly not about their dreams!

@Couchbettato - thank you for your thoughts. I do actually have a great support group and generally speaking I am absolutely fine. I handle the discussions with them in our 121s without any issue whatsoever (other than a tiny pang, but it’s not problematic). My best friends have just had a baby and we are delighted, have visited many times. In the time this has been going on for me another member of my team and my boss have got pregnant and had babies and that’s been no issue, I’ve held their babies, seen photos, and talked about them. So I don’t think I need anything different to be ok.

I suppose in part I see work as a distraction, and so having it go on all day everyday while at work is frustrating. The messages on the topic started at 10am this morning. There have been over 20 today and they are still going on. To be honest, if they need that level of messaging for their mental health I would expect them to raise the issue with me as their manager when we talk every week in our 121s, and I would get them the right support through our work support schemes. They could also talk to each other all day long if they wanted to. So I am not trying to stop them getting support or talking about it. It’s just that me (and the majority of my team) don’t really need to read about it all day everyday. I’m not sure that’s unfair (or censoring them).

As some one who has been on both sides of the fence of fertility, there's a "grass is greener on the other side" feeling.

I totally understand the pain of wanting a baby, and it seems like every woman that looks at a man is suddenly pregnant but you and you feel lonely.

When it finally happened for me, I was lonely but in a different way- mostly sick of being sick, and pissing myself every time I was sick, being sick every day, not having enough clean knickers because of the piss, and just wishing it would end and I was really lucky to have a receptive support around me. I don't think I'd have coped if my manager had told me I wasn't allowed to talk about it.

You should send a message, saying something like "thank you for being a good team but not every one in this group chat is comfortable with all the baby talk, so I've been asked to get you to reel it in. I don't mind friendly chit chat, but some topics are sensitive and we need to be careful not to upset any one." That way, you're kept anonymous, but also you've protected any one else, like you, who hasn't spoken openly about fertility issues. Those who are close will probably be in contact with each other over social media any way and can talk about it there.

I’d message them individually saying I’d seen how tired/emotional they’re finding their pregnancy and do they need HR to meet them and look at how best to support them? I’ve taken this ‘welfare concern’ approach in the past with someone always moaning about her teen kids (like, all day, dominating the office) and it worked then as a way of reminding her you’re her manager and you are seeing all of it.

I’d actually be honest with them both and say what you’re going through and would they mind moving pregnancy chat to a private convo? I’m sure they would understand.