Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Funeral - WWYD please?

43 replies

apinacoladaplease · 26/08/2020 12:09

My DF’s DH passed away after a long illness recently and his funeral is next tues. Due to COVID guidelines, 18 people are allowed into the crematorium. DF has explained due to limitations in the numbers we are welcome to sit in the car/stand outside during the service and then attend the refreshments afterwards.

DD was DF’s bridesmaid when she got married a couple of years ago so I suggested that DD should come to the funeral to pay her respects, but for a split second I forgot that next Tuesday is also DD(19) birthday.

To complicate things further I can’t drive for long periods at the moment as I am recovering from an op so DD will need to drive us as it is over an hour away.

WWYD? Would you go with DD - however I feel a bit guilty asking her to change her plans for her birthday and take us. Bear in mind we are not allowed into the crematorium and will be sitting in the car/standing outside during the service.

Would you only attend the refreshments afterwards?

Thank you

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 26/08/2020 12:13

Yes I would go. If your DD was her bridesmaid you are close friends presumably. She’s indicated she’d like you there so in your place I would go. It won’t be a long service and the refreshments will be curtailed by Covid rules. Your DD can celebrate her birthday later.

Baaaahhhhh · 26/08/2020 12:18

I wouldn't go unless you are your daughter were particularly close to DF's DH. It seems completely pointless to just sit outside. There is more of point of going to the refreshments in that you can support your DF, but again I don't think your DD will add anything. All things being considered, your health and DD's birthday, and the fact that even family members can't attend funerals at the moment, I am sure your DF will understand.

NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite · 26/08/2020 12:35

If my DD is close enough to whoever it is to be their bridesmaid then I would absolutely ask her to accompany me and drive me there. Is the service going to be transmitted to those outside?

LEELULUMPKIN · 26/08/2020 12:37

People only die once, birthday's happen every year. You should both go and pay your respects.

seayork2020 · 26/08/2020 12:38

I personally would not go in this situation unless your child wanted to go by choice and not as an obligation (not saying you would make her feel obligated)

Pobblebonk · 26/08/2020 12:46

I'd suggest you go by taxi on your own.

MoreHairyThanScary · 26/08/2020 12:47

Is there an online option? My DF father dies recently and there was a code to attend online which I did.

Kolo · 26/08/2020 12:49

I'd be going. I'd ask DD if she wanted to go or not, and find alternative transport if she didn't want to go. But I'd be there for my friend. Even if it's in the car park. These moments are friendship defining.

MaverickDanger · 26/08/2020 12:50

If DD didn’t go, how would you get there?

If I was your DF, I would understand if your DD didn’t attend a funeral on her birthday, but would want you there if possible as her friend.

Winniewonka · 26/08/2020 13:12

If it's possible to go both with your daughter then I would do so. Your daughter's an adult too now and I think it would mean a lot to your friend that you paid your respects.
Most funerals including the reception only take up a few hours, either a morning or an afternoon. Could your daughter change her birthday plans for the evening?

Original poster
apinacoladaplease · 26/08/2020 13:26

Thanks for your replies, DD and I weren’t close to DF’s DH, unfortunately he became ill quite soon after they were married and has spent a lot of time in and out of hospital and laterally in a hospice. Having said that, DF has been in mine and DD’s life since before she was born so I do want to go and be there to support DF. I was at DF’s first husbands funeral 18 years ago and it’s very unfortunate that it is almost a repeat of what happened Sad.

@NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite and @MoreHairyThanScary Unfortunately it’s not going to be live streamed outside/online.

@Pobblebonk I had thought about this but I was quoted £78 for a round trip (44 miles) and currently not sure if I can justify that.

@MaverickDanger I’m really not too sure what I’d do with DD at the moment Confused Normally I’d just drive but I haven’t been cleared by my surgeon to drive for any longer than a couple of miles.

Would it be unreasonable to attend the refreshments for half an hour afterwards? I would like to be there to support DF but I don’t want to hang around too long due to COVID risks.

OP posts:
Original poster
apinacoladaplease · 26/08/2020 13:29

@MaverickDanger sorry, that should have said ‘without* DD’

OP posts:
VainAbigail · 26/08/2020 13:32

How close is your daughter to your friend and how old was your daughter when she was a bridesmaid?

Apolloanddaphne · 26/08/2020 13:32

Have you spoken to your DD about it? I would outline the funeral plans and let her decide. She may have very clear views one way or the other about it.

maxelly · 26/08/2020 13:36

Your poor friend, that's so sad Sad

I think I'd do whatever I could to support her in those circumstances so if at all possible I'd go - I guess it's up to your DD but if the funeral is in the morning/afternoon she will still have most of the day and the evening to do something nice to celebrate, and/or you could arrange to take her out at the weekend? TBH aside from 'big' birthdays in my family we don't tend to do much on the day itself to celebrate for the adults, we save it for the weekend so in my family it wouldn't be an issue, but I guess if she already has plans and doesn't want to cancel then perhaps you could take a taxi all or part of the way (can you take a bus or train part of the way to cut costs?), or is there another friend or relative you could very nicely ask for a lift (I would to support a friend in those circumstances!). I'd then probably stay more like an hour at the refreshments having travelled that far to get there, not sure staying an hour as opposed to half an hour makes that much difference to COVID risks? Obviously if you are high risk/shielding then that's different?

Beautiful3 · 26/08/2020 13:48

I would go to the refreshments afterwards as it's pointless sitting in your car after the service?! But if you're relying on your daughter then it depends what her plans are. If it's her birthday then shes going to be busy?? You said you dont really know your friends father? I wouldn't want to do that for someone I dont really know, on my birthday. If you explain about the op and not being able to drive, I'm sure she ll welcome you over for a coffee when you can drive again.

ChikiTIKI · 26/08/2020 13:52

You should go to support your friend.

MrsSpookyM · 26/08/2020 13:55

I would go to the refreshments, but I guess if you need DD to drive you and it's her birthday then it's up to her.

Could you get public transport or a lift with someone else?

namechangebunny · 26/08/2020 13:58

I feel very bad indeed for your friend OP.
Have a chat with your DD and see what she says? If this was me and my Mum, I'd like to think that I would offer to drive her there and back and change my bday plans (and I love birthdays and celebrating, but family and family friends come first!).
Hope your recovery from surgery goes well Thanks

BlingLoving · 26/08/2020 13:59

I think that you should both go. Attending funerals is something you do often for the people left behind and I think it would mean a great deal to your friend. And I think that it is a useful less on social niceties for your DD - that sometimes, things like birthdays get overtaken by events out of our control. She can celebrate her birthday later in the day or on another day.

BillysMyBunny · 26/08/2020 14:01

Will your friend have other people there to support her, for example does she have grown-up children, her parents or other friends? If other people will be there I don’t think it’s necessary for you and your DD to go if it’s difficult. If your DD didn’t even know him I wouldn’t expect her to go on her birthday - if there’s a way for you to go on your own I think that would be great, but if not considering you didn’t even know him well I don’t think it’s an issue.

AdaColeman · 26/08/2020 14:09

I wouldn't go in the present circumstances; that it was DD's birthday, that it is a long drive when you are not well, that your friend has indicated that she has ample support already from close family. All these things would lead to my decision not to attend.

But I would send flowers if they are being accepted, or make a donation if that is requested. I would also write to the friend to offer sympathy and help, and if she wanted I'd meet her in the near future.

I feel that sometimes you have to give yourself permission to do what is best for you, rather than feel pressured into doing what you think others expect of you.

Cheeseandwin5 · 26/08/2020 14:11

@Kolo

I'd be going. I'd ask DD if she wanted to go or not, and find alternative transport if she didn't want to go. But I'd be there for my friend. Even if it's in the car park. These moments are friendship defining.

This - Totally

I would hope your DD will also attend ( and you can get a lift too) but if not I would go by taxi (despite the additional cost)..

Orchidsindoors · 26/08/2020 14:13

Sorry, this is your dear friend or dear Father,? I'm getting a bit confused. If your dear friends father, I dont think your daughter needs to go because she was their bridesmaids. That sounds quite a wide link.

Chloemol · 26/08/2020 14:14

I would go, I went to my sisters mother in laws funeral to support her, it was on my 50th birthday, but it was important I supported her.

Swipe left for the next trending thread