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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Funeral - WWYD please?

43 replies

apinacoladaplease · 26/08/2020 12:09

My DF’s DH passed away after a long illness recently and his funeral is next tues. Due to COVID guidelines, 18 people are allowed into the crematorium. DF has explained due to limitations in the numbers we are welcome to sit in the car/stand outside during the service and then attend the refreshments afterwards.

DD was DF’s bridesmaid when she got married a couple of years ago so I suggested that DD should come to the funeral to pay her respects, but for a split second I forgot that next Tuesday is also DD(19) birthday.

To complicate things further I can’t drive for long periods at the moment as I am recovering from an op so DD will need to drive us as it is over an hour away.

WWYD? Would you go with DD - however I feel a bit guilty asking her to change her plans for her birthday and take us. Bear in mind we are not allowed into the crematorium and will be sitting in the car/standing outside during the service.

Would you only attend the refreshments afterwards?

Thank you

OP posts:

Orchidsindoors · 26/08/2020 14:17

"These moments are friendship defining."

I wouldnt expect any of my friends to be coming to family funerals. To me that's strictly family and people who knew the person who died.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 26/08/2020 14:20

I would go, just to show my face/support for your friend. She is going through a devastating time in her life. Attend the refreshments afterwards for as long or short as you please - that's up to you, not us.

It's totally up to your DD if she wants to accompany you or not.

Or not, could someone else drive you?

2bazookas · 26/08/2020 14:35

Widows are only fixated on one thing regarding the funeral; your presence is barely a dot on her horizon.

Time for polite social excuse; so sorry neither of us can come, car has to go into garage, not sure it will be ready in time.

Do it in good time so someone else has chance to attend instead.

Kolo · 26/08/2020 14:36

@Orchidsindoors

"These moments are friendship defining."

I wouldnt expect any of my friends to be coming to family funerals. To me that's strictly family and people who knew the person who died.

I don't think that way at all. I've suffered 2 crushing losses (as in they crushed me). I don't hold it against any of my friends that they weren't there at the funerals, but the friends who were there I'll never forget. Our friendships are so much deeper because we have been there to pick each other up.

mamaoffourdc · 26/08/2020 14:37

You should be there for your friend x

ICouldHaveCheckedFirst · 26/08/2020 14:46

The day will be a blur for your friend.
There may not be refreshments afterwards anyway.
Send her a card, flowers and book a quiet lunch for the 2 of you in a couple of weeks time instead.

KarmaStar · 26/08/2020 15:01

Our funeral directors did a webcam for people unable to attend,perhaps it might be possible in this situation?

IncludeWomenInTheSequel · 26/08/2020 15:04

I would go with DD.

Having stood outside a crematorium myself recently I can't tell you how much of a lift the close family got from seeing how many people came to support them.

It sort of doesn't matter about the actual funeral. You're going to be there for your friend, and that doesn't change whether you're in or outside.

MaggieFS · 26/08/2020 15:15

I would absolutely go. It sounds like DF really wants you there but has had to prioritise family.

Two good friends of mine came to my Dad's funeral, one cutting two days off a holiday to do so and whilst I barely got to talk to them on the day, it meant the world to me that they were there and also is very special to me that I have people I can remember the day with.

BlingLoving · 26/08/2020 15:49

Yes, I agree with this completely. Also what @MaggieFS said. It meant the world to me that a number of my friends attended my mother's funeral, including one who like Maggie's friend, cut her holiday short to be there. There are few events these days that foster a sense of community but funerals are one and I think it is something we should respect. And for your DD, learning and understanding this is important and will stand her in good stead later in life.

timesareachanging · 26/08/2020 15:52

I’d go. She can celebrate her birthday later. It’s a reminder to put others before yourself.

user1496146479 · 26/08/2020 15:55

Your DD is turning 19.... the birthday is not really relevant to whether she & you goes or not.

Felifox · 26/08/2020 16:24

If you are close enough to your friend that dd was her bridesmaid and she's asked for you I would go if dd is happy to drive

MindyStClaire · 26/08/2020 20:57

Wild horses wouldn't keep me from a good friend's husband's funeral.

If your DD was close enough to be a bridesmaid within the last couple of years, she should also be there, even if she didn't know the husband well.

I would go to a lot of effort to make sure my mum could get to such an important funeral.

I know funerals aren't normal now, but seeing people gathered outside will mean the world to the family.

I'm Irish though and I know we have different customs around these things.

nc600 · 26/08/2020 21:18

"Widows are only fixated on one thing regarding the funeral; your presence is barely a dot on her horizon."

Utter rubbish. On the day itself yes, it'll be a blur. But in the years to come it will
mean everything that you came just to simply stand outside and show your support.

You need to go OP and your DD can celebrate her bday in the evening

cologne4711 · 26/08/2020 21:23

Normally I'd say go and get your dd to drive you, presumably if she's celebrating her birthday she will do so at the weekend anyway (or can do so on the bank holiday Monday).

But not just to hang around outside in the car. That's just a waste of time.

Original poster

apinacoladaplease · 26/08/2020 22:00

Thank you to everyone who took the time to reply. Have spoken to a mutual friend who is also attending and she has offered to drive which means DD does not need to re plan her day around me. Unfortunately DD is not going to attend; she has instead paid for a voucher for afternoon tea for the three of us which will be lovely for my DF who i’m sure is needing all the support she can get right now x

OP posts:

waltzingparrot · 26/08/2020 22:22

I was going to ask if it's being streamed live. I 'attended' my friend's father's funeral this way and she knew I was watching and there with her in spirit. I spoke to her straight after to say how beautiful her words had been.

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