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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not lend her money anymore

34 replies

NCNCNNC · 25/08/2020 13:39

Hopefully have NC for this.

Sister in law (50) is a bit of a mess when it comes to relationships. This latest boyfriend seems to be going to the same way. She called us a couple of weeks ago about how horrible he had been for a while. Putting her down in front of other people, name calling, being controlling about what she wears and getting drunk most nights. She is living with her parents at the moment and staying some nights with the BF.

After this last call, she was adamant they broke up. She picked up her stuff and wanted to be on her own. She hasn't got any savings and doesn't want to stay in PIL's spare room for much longer. PIL'S have no money and live on a modest pension. So we offered to lend her a deposit and first months rent if she found somewhere to live. She's never really been on her own so this would be a good option for her.

Had a look around where she plans to live and this would come to around 2-3K. If she can sort herself and pay us after a few months - fine. Then comes the call...they are back together and are "working things out by taking it slowly". Going to see each other a couple of times a week and take things from there.

I don't see why the original offer should still stand now - she is basically continuing to see him so I don't think she is now suddenly desperate to change things.

AIBU for thinking we don't lend her the money anymore? It's not like we have loads of spare cash. The money was coming from a renovation pot which we could delay by getting the work done another time. But am resentful of doing this when she's got back with him to be honest.

OP posts:

Cadent · 25/08/2020 13:47

Subsidise her and her loser boyfriend? No chance, say no!

OrigamiOwl · 25/08/2020 13:50

No, I wouldn't led her money either in these circumstances.

inlectorecumbit · 25/08/2020 13:50

I think you know you would never see a penny of the money back if BF was on the scene

Redlocks28 · 25/08/2020 13:51

Definitely not! She’s not still presuming she can have the money, is she?!

Piffle11 · 25/08/2020 13:52

If you can afford to lose the money, then it's up to you if you go ahead. But it sounds as though you can't … and why should you?

She hasn't got any savings and doesn't want to stay in PIL's spare room for much longer

This is not your problem, though, is it? I don't mean that harshly, but I find it so frustrating when someone spends their money without a thought for the future, and then someone else - who has saved and gone without certain things - has to step in and hand over their money. I'm speaking from experience (and no, we didn't get our money back). DON'T DO IT.

Beachbodylonggone · 25/08/2020 13:52

I would be betting an expensive holiday booking would emerge as a method of fixing things.
Courtesy of your bank account.
Nil coinage going her way imo.

caramac04 · 25/08/2020 13:53

Hell no! This is her life and she’s unlikely to change.

twoshedsjackson · 25/08/2020 13:55

Ask yourself if you are willing to give her this money - because this will be a gift, not a loan; lending to friends and family so often leads to ill-feeling. Support her by all means, but offer moral support, not financial.

Original poster

NCNCNNC · 25/08/2020 13:56

Redlocks28

Definitely not! She’s not still presuming she can have the money, is she?

She is...but it would be different now because there would be less pressure for her as she has more options and doesn't feel she needs to keep seeing him as much to escape being holed up with her parents. That's what she's told DH - bloody ridiculous I think.

OP posts:

dinosaurcookie · 25/08/2020 14:02

I wouldn't...unless she gets a flat straight away there's a risk he would spend the money if he is the sort of character you describe.

Original poster

NCNCNNC · 25/08/2020 14:09

@dinosaurcookie - it would've gone straight to a landlord anyway

OP posts:

Char2020 · 25/08/2020 14:10

If she has no savings and isn’t able to save for a deposit for herself, how do you expect she is going to be able to pay you back the key she owes? Presumably she is going to have all of the normal living costs of running a property and buying furniture so I’m guessing you can wave goodbye to your cash.

If she was able to pay you back then she’s also able to save for herself. I personally never lend money to people, it’s the route of most relationship issues with friends and family

Chloemol · 25/08/2020 14:11

Nope, her circumstances have changed again since you made the offer. She can now move with him if she wants to leave pil

Char2020 · 25/08/2020 14:11

the money

Chloemol · 25/08/2020 14:11

Also, if she was going to pay you over a few months she can save that money and then move in a few months

Enough4me · 25/08/2020 14:18

If she wants time away from your PIL (her parents) rather than go to her useless BF she can go out alone walking, go to other friends, or go on dates with new people. She cannot blackmail you that she needs a place to go to instead of her BF as she is making the choice to see him not you.

PinkiOcelot · 25/08/2020 14:19

Nah. I wouldn’t “lend” her the money. No chance.
How was she actually going to pay you back?

Original poster

NCNCNNC · 25/08/2020 14:20

@Chloemol - the original plan was to help her now as she was down about the break up, living with parents and feeling shit about life. We didn't expect any payments until at least the new year whilst she got herself sorted with monthly outgoings and any furnishings. Even then it wouldn't be a huge amount per month so she would be stuck in another rut.

All that would happen now is he would be there all the time and their relationship would continue to be violatile. Seriously cannot be arsed subsiding that shit show.

OP posts:

Rainbowshine · 25/08/2020 14:24

You’d be better to direct her to two sources of advice:

Budgeting help (many online through CAB or Step Change etc) so she can start to plan how to save money

Women’s Aid so she can learn about healthy relationships.

Giving her the money (she’s never going to pay it back) will just enable her to make poor choices and infantilise her so it will continue and you’ll be the bank of DB and SIL.

Itsjustabitofbanter · 25/08/2020 14:28

@Redlocks28

Definitely not! She’s not still presuming she can have the money, is she?!

Why wouldn’t she be? I’m not seeing the connection between her seeing her boyfriend and her needing a place to live.

Op, why exactly were you giving her the money? I thought it was so she could move out of her parents house? I think it would be unfair to withdraw the offer of support because you don’t like her boyfriend. He doesn’t affect her living arrangements, does he?

jessycake · 25/08/2020 14:36

I think if you lend money you must be prepared to not get it back , someone in their 50s and living with parents and having no savings would be a massive red flag . How could she pay you back and all her rent, services food etc unless she is paying a fortune to live with the PILs

Rainbowshine · 25/08/2020 14:43

You could tell her that the renovations are more urgent than you thought so you’re going to have to withdraw the offer for now, as you need your money for them and that was the original reason you’d saved up the amount. Perhaps talk her through how you saved, e.g. cutting back on certain spending, looking for good prices if you do need something, etc.

Beautiful3 · 25/08/2020 14:45

Just say no, because your situation has now changed. They could afford some where together. Also why would you substitute him?!?!

Nixen · 25/08/2020 14:51

Someone who has got to her age with no property and no savings is not someone I would lend money to

Almostlegible · 25/08/2020 15:13

Tell her that you had agreed to LEND her a chunk of your savings as she was making a life changing decision to strike out on her own
Explain you had been saving up to have some work done on your house and that in order to lend her the money the renovations would have to be postponed until she paid you back. Tell her that as she knows, the money was to be a loan and you hadn’t yet agreed the payment terms, these being very important to you so that you could start to plan the renovations in principle.
Tell her that as she is no longer making the life changing decision you think it’s best if you keep to your original plan with what you are going to do with your savings.
If she asks again, say a loan from you would be an additional financial burden for her on top of rent so why doesn’t she come up with a plan based on her current income and estimated new outgoings with a loan and rent to pay.
Basically what she may need is a reality check and it doesn’t sound like she’s had any real financial responsibilities before.

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