To not lend her money anymore

[NCNCNNC]

Hopefully have NC for this.

Sister in law (50) is a bit of a mess when it comes to relationships. This latest boyfriend seems to be going to the same way. She called us a couple of weeks ago about how horrible he had been for a while. Putting her down in front of other people, name calling, being controlling about what she wears and getting drunk most nights. She is living with her parents at the moment and staying some nights with the BF.

After this last call, she was adamant they broke up. She picked up her stuff and wanted to be on her own. She hasn't got any savings and doesn't want to stay in PIL's spare room for much longer. PIL'S have no money and live on a modest pension. So we offered to lend her a deposit and first months rent if she found somewhere to live. She's never really been on her own so this would be a good option for her.

Had a look around where she plans to live and this would come to around 2-3K. If she can sort herself and pay us after a few months - fine. Then comes the call...they are back together and are "working things out by taking it slowly". Going to see each other a couple of times a week and take things from there.

I don't see why the original offer should still stand now - she is basically continuing to see him so I don't think she is now suddenly desperate to change things.

AIBU for thinking we don't lend her the money anymore? It's not like we have loads of spare cash. The money was coming from a renovation pot which we could delay by getting the work done another time. But am resentful of doing this when she's got back with him to be honest.

You will never see that money again, so I wouldn't. If she is still expecting the money I would point out that as she is now part of a couple again, they can sort out their living arrangements themselves. Tbh, I think you were daft to offer in the first place, she needs to get her own life sorted out. I have a cousin like this, in her 50s, spends every penny she earns and expects my aunt to give her money for life stuff. She has borrowed the deposit and first month rent of my aunt at least three times and always ends up moving home. Funnily enough, without the deposit. My aunt has even borrowed money to pay cousin's bills and she is always lumbered with the repayments. Cousin doesn't care because aunt will always stump up the money so she never changes her ways. Your SIL has had plenty of time to figure out how to be independent of elderly, retired parents, she just can't be bothered. Unless there is a back story of SEN you haven't told us about yet, she needs to sort her own life out. Uness she is fleeing DV, I would let her get on with it.

@krustykittens - no SEN or DV. The bloke just sounds like a dick and she is better off without him. But she is a grown woman and can make her own choices.

The only thing I felt a bit bad about was that it seems controlling (not sure that is the right word) to revoke the offer because she is back with him. When really she didn't ask for help before or seemed in a hurry to move out of PIL's. It was only after they 'broke up", she wanted to reevaluate what she was doing with herself. We said yes because we wanted to encourage her being on her own, getting her thoughts together, dating casually if that is what she wants rather than getting straight into relationships etc. That has changed now as far as I'm concerned and I don't fancy helping them get a house or flat as I wouldn't have done that before.

She is (still expecting the money) ... but it would be different now because there would be less pressure for her as she has more options and doesn't feel she needs to keep seeing him as much to escape being holed up with her parents. That's what she's told DH

Sorry, but I don't like the sound of that at all; it's almost as if she's insisting she'll leave him in order to tap you for money, when actually she has no intention of splitting

Two questions: how sure are you that he hasn't put her up to asking you? And how did a 50 year old woman get herself into this mess in the first place?

@Puzzledandpissedoff - he could have but I doubt it as they were broken up and MIL said she got all her stuff from him. From what DH says she has always been a bit of a dreamer, doesn't really care about owning a home etc. Always in relationships, never single but ends up living with the other person so finds herself homeless when these end. She has a fairly responsible job though with a decent wage but just blows through it. Very generous with presents for everyone even though multiple family members have told her not to buy stuff as they don't need it.

It seems simple. You offered to lend her the money because of the life situation she was in (even though it meant going without yourselves).

She is no longer in that situation, so the offer is withdrawn.

And don't feel bad about it.

I would not subsidise a 50-year-old woman. Fine if she does not care about owning a home but then she needs to get her own shit together to rent. Don't support her ongoing bad life choices. Especially, when it impedes on your own plans. don't be one of those posters that will complain bitterly in 18 months how you got ripped off.

Sorry, OP, I sounded very harsh in my message to you. I get it, she was down, you wanted to help, you thought this might be life changing for her. But if she doesn't want to change, then your money is going straight down the toilet. She has to learn how to stand on her own two feet. My cousin still hasn't done it because she doesn't need to, yet my aunt cannot seem to see she is enabling the behaviour. She actually tells me how worried she is for her, because she doesn't know how my cousin will cope when she dies! Like I said before, I would blame no one for putting their hands in their pocket to help someone escaping DV but subsidising someone who just can't be bothered to get their shit together is madness. You know you won't see that money again and it doesn't sound like you can write the debt off.

Always in relationships, never single but ends up living with the other person so finds herself homeless when these end. She has a fairly responsible job though with a decent wage but just blows through it
...and has never lived on her own.

Only 'lend' her £2k if you're happy to never see it again - she just wants it to spend on her and her bf.

I wouldn't be lending her any.
You'd just be enabling her.
How about being blunt and telling her to sort her finances out?

If you enabled her to get a flat - she wouldn't keep on top of rent payments/bills, she'd move her latest shag in every time...they'd wreck the place......and you'd never see your deposit back and could end up liable for all arrears and damage if you're down as her 'guarantors'.

Why do you choose to pussyfoot around her?
She's got you all well trained and emotionally manipulated.

She may call it a loan, but you must know it's a gift. And when it's gone she will be back for more. And more.
Forget her.