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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you bother going to check on DM if you were me or not?

51 replies

Doibother · 25/08/2020 12:29

Alcoholic mother who is a massive pain in the arse. She has a history of falling over and sustaining head injuries whilst in drink. Regularly goes AWOL and panics us.

I last heard from her on Friday. She was due to come round on Saturday but didn't show up and hasn't called since. I've called her many times to check she's ok and no answer. She lives alone.

I'm both worried and pissed off. Worried that something has happened to her and pissed off because she's too selfish to bother letting me know she's ok.

I don't drive but do cycle. Would you ride the 6 miles to do a welfare check or not bother?

OP posts:
JudgeRindersMinder · 25/08/2020 12:58

@thebear1

I would or phone none emergency police number and voice your concerns and see if someone could check on her. At least that way you can stop wondering.
Please don’t phone the police, you should only be tying up police resources if you don’t have the means to do it yourself.

I’d check on her if it’s out of character. My late MIL was similar and would go AWOL for weeks at a time. Dh didn’t check on her as this was what she did when she was on a binge

Cattermole · 25/08/2020 13:10

Ha! Are you me, OP?

When my mum's been drinking she will often deliberately not answer the phone in order to get attention. (I've told her before that I don't play when she's drinking, I won't see her. So she doesn't answer the phone so she can either be a) the most vulnerable neglected little old lady or b) I'll go round to see if she's alive. I do not do b.)

The police IME don't have the resources to undertake welfare checks unless you have strong evidence to suggest that something may have happened.

What about her getting one of those lifeline pull-cord things?

IamShark · 25/08/2020 13:18

I had/have a similar problem.

I now have the Find my Phone feature activated on their phone so I can geolocate to check they are moving around, and ping them when I am worried.

Supersimkin2 · 25/08/2020 13:25

Flowers OP. I am so very sorry for you.

2bazookas · 25/08/2020 13:34

6 miles cycle is short and quick.

When you get there, get a spare key, even if you have to get one cut, and ask one of her neighbours to hold it along with your contact details.

Then if you ever get an emergency call from M, or if she goes silent like now, either the neighbour can use the key to get in and check , or you can call emergency services and neighbour can let them in.

Strawberrypip · 25/08/2020 13:36

horrendous that this is even on your shoulders. I dont even know what to suggest as presumably you've looked at all avenues for help - just doesnt seem right that you should be responsible for her

LuluJakey1 · 25/08/2020 13:48

@thebear1

I would or phone none emergency police number and voice your concerns and see if someone could check on her. At least that way you can stop wondering.
Total waste of police resources.

If you are bothered go and see. It's just 6 miles. She is your mother. You decide.

Supersimkin2 · 25/08/2020 13:49

You can't be responsible for an alcoholic, no matter how hard they try to make you (they will).

ShirleyPhallus · 25/08/2020 13:51

Yes I’d check. Poor you OP, sounds tough

Aweebawbee · 25/08/2020 13:52

It must be very frustrating for you. You're trapped by your own conscience and she is behaving very selfishly. Flowers

unmarkedbythat · 25/08/2020 13:54

No, I'd contact the police and ask them to do one. I would not regard it as misuse of police resources.

I'm glad she eventually got back to you.

Devlesko · 25/08/2020 14:18

I would. A colleague of ds2 drank quite a bit, she fell down the stairs and was found dead 2 days later when she didn't turn in for work. Well, sign in as she was wfh.

Devlesko · 25/08/2020 14:21

2bazookas

Big ask from neighbours. Not sure I'd like to have the responsibility on checking if an alcoholic is dead or alive.
No. Police everytime, it's their job to do welfare checks.

Original poster
Doibother · 25/08/2020 14:23

Thanks ladies

She already has one of those pull cord things not that it gives me any peace of mind, most of her falls and head injures take place outside.

She has been found unconscious in the street before after falling over and banging her head, woke up to paramedics there.

She has accidentally set her coat on fire from trying to light a cigarette when pissed.

So many of these instances resulting in A&E. It's infuriating.

She's had all the support in the world but doesn't want to change so I don't waste my time with that anymore but I do have an unshakable need to know that she's safe and she's too selfish to give me that.

My heart really does go out to others who can relate, it's such a mental drain.

OP posts:
Gordonsgrin · 25/08/2020 14:26

Hi there, I have been through what you are going through with both my brother and mother. Won’t upset you or the thread with details but you have my sympathy. Message me if you need a more private discussion any time.

On a more practical level, could you have a key safe on the outside of her property? Would allow access more easily for emergency services, or whomever. Would give you a quicker solution and take the pressure of you to be “the one” to physically be checker-up.

Pythonesque · 25/08/2020 14:41

For those who say a 6 mile (plus return) cycle ride is short and quick - if it's as windy where the OP is as it is here, it may not be a trivial journey and could actually be dangerous.

I like the key safe suggestion though. Good luck.

79andnotout · 25/08/2020 15:10

My mother is the same, although unfortunately she does know how to whatsapp/text, and all we get is a torrent of abuse when she's drunk.

My approach is - if she did cause herself damage, would I feel guilty about it? The answer is no, as it's her own problem of the making.

I struggle with alcoholism myself (as do many of my family and siblings), and you do have a choice in sorting yourself out - face the problem and stop drinking. She chooses to not accept she has a problem and has driven away everyone who cares about her by doing so. It sounds like your mother has made the same decision.

Cagedbirdsinging · 25/08/2020 15:13

@Doibother... my big sister was just the same .
I cannot count the hours , weeks and years I spent fretting about her and worrying myself sick over her neglected , damaged and abandoned daughter and son .
I'm still heartbroken fifteen years after her death . Vodka , shoplifting and sex were the only things that motivated her . I don't know what else I could have done to help her sort out her chaotic lifestyle but ultimately I had to step back for the sake of my own mental health .

It's a difficult line that we tread ; should we stay engaged and continue to support with unconditional love or should we retreat and leave them to bottom out and just be there to pick up the pieces after each catastrophic bender .
Her daughter died in May , aged just fifty years .
Sending love and a handhold .
Flowers

GisAFag · 25/08/2020 15:33

I would. My mother was dead for 3 days or so. Coroner never gave a day she died only she'd be dead A FEW days before was found. A couple is 2, so a few is 3 in my world

longtompot · 25/08/2020 20:52

My mil used to do this. We'd get panicked phone calls late at night from their home abroad and then nothing for days and we had no idea if they were ok. Then a week or so later get a breezy call about some nonsense and if you asked about what had happened, they'd play it down. Both alcoholics, she's no longer with us and fil is in this country, very close by, and we are currently nc
It's a tiring existence and people just don't seem to understand just how draining it can be dealing with manipulative drunks.

Supersimkin2 · 25/08/2020 21:54

people just don't seem to understand just how draining it can be dealing with manipulative drunks.

This. You don't have any idea how soul-destroying. They take a little bit of your soul every time, sipping at your soul the way they tank gin.

PineappleUpsideDownCake · 25/08/2020 22:02

Absolutely all of the above. I have this dance with my mother. 3 times in the last 5 years I've actually directly saved her life (each time found collapsed, went to majors, once ICU) and other times indirectly.

The last 2 months she's taken to sending me vile abusive texts about how she's never loved me, and all sorts of nasty things. So I havent been checking on her. I am aware this might happen... but ..
.
Its soul destroying.

ArnoJambonsBike · 25/08/2020 22:15

@2bazookas

6 miles cycle is short and quick.

When you get there, get a spare key, even if you have to get one cut, and ask one of her neighbours to hold it along with your contact details.

Then if you ever get an emergency call from M, or if she goes silent like now, either the neighbour can use the key to get in and check , or you can call emergency services and neighbour can let them in.

Reading the fucking thread to see that it was resolved an hour earlier is a damned sight shorter and quicker.
J4n3d03 · 25/08/2020 23:06

There is absolutely no need for that Arno, not everybody has time to read every post.

longtompot · 25/08/2020 23:16

But there is now the option to read just the ops posts. However, I keep forgetting that and still scroll down to see if they have posted again Blush