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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have not told him I'm still breastfeeding?

64 replies

moonchilde · 24/08/2020 21:39

I'm so anxious about this. I've been on a couple of dates with a man I met online. He seems pretty awesome and we get on like a house on fire so far. He's totally cool with the fact I have a toddler. I've not had the courage yet to tell him I'm still breastfeeding. In fact, I haven't really given it much thought until not as it is just part of my life now! I absolutely wouldn't stop breastfeeding for a man as it's the best thing for my son and he loves it.

AIBU to not tell him for a while? Is it weird to date whilst breastfeeding? Would most men find it odd?

Starting to worry now!

OP posts:
5050not · 24/08/2020 22:22

I still BF my 2 year old dd and no signs of stopping any time soon. Her dad is a bit weird about it but imo it’s none of his business, it’s between me and dd. Yes I’d love for her to wean (for a full nights sleep!) but she still needs and uses it as a source of comfort and security.

Kaiserin · 24/08/2020 22:26

I would tell him before you have sex because tbh, I don’t think it’s fair not to as I really wouldn’t want to be surprised with a mouth full of milk if I was him, but until it gets to that point I see no reason to tell him.

This
(and a massive Hmm to all the people saying "how would he even know" and "why would he need to know")

justanotherneighinparadise · 24/08/2020 22:30

Pmsl my DP did used to get a mouthful of milk sometimes so I do agree it needs mentioned if and when you sleep with him, however I don’t think it needs mentioning otherwise.

Original poster
moonchilde · 24/08/2020 22:30

@Kaiserin

I would tell him before you have sex because tbh, I don’t think it’s fair not to as I really wouldn’t want to be surprised with a mouth full of milk if I was him, but until it gets to that point I see no reason to tell him.

This
(and a massive Hmm to all the people saying "how would he even know" and "why would he need to know")

He would know because I would need to disappear to express if I spent a day away from my son 😅 even at nearly two years in I still get engorged on one side after more than 24 hours
OP posts:
SuperCaliFragalistic · 24/08/2020 22:30

I'd probably tell him but just because it's part of my life in the same way that I would mention I liked knitting or hated seafood or have a hankering to travel. It's not a shady secret, nor is it worthy of a massive "reveal". Its just something you do.

rainkeepsfallingdown · 24/08/2020 22:53

I don't see why you would need to bring it up, given you've only had a few dates so far and you seem in no rush to have sex with him.

It's absolutely something to discuss before you have sex, but apart from that... BF or not, finding it difficult to get alone time away from the toddler is to be expected when dating a new mum. He doesn't need to know you don't want to go away overnight or you need to make a short disappearance every few hours because you're breastfeeding - these things can be attributed to the fact you're a mum of a toddler.

If it feels weird to tell him, don't tell him. But I would imagine it's the sort of thing that could naturally be mentioned in passing and if it feels natural to mention it, that's also OK.

I think you're overthinking this. And I say that as a chronic overthinker: takes one to know one. Wink

BertieBotts · 24/08/2020 23:00

I got together with DH when DS1 was about 2 and still breastfeeding. I didn't mention it straight away (Hi, you look nice, BTW, I'm still breastfeeding my toddler!) but I decided I'd better before we got intimate in case I leaked milk.

He thought it was weird, and when he met DS he later told me that his immediate thought was "Yeah, he is definitely too old to be breastfeeding..." but he didn't say this at the time as he acknowledged that it was my choice and did seem to appreciate that it would get him magically back to sleep which was useful. Also I remember lying next to DS1 and feeding him and now-DH cuddling up behind us at some point, I would guess DS1 would have been around 3. He stopped when he was 4, of his own accord. I will say that it never ever put DH off, he just thought it was a really odd choice and didn't get why I hadn't stopped.

We now have a DS2 who is 2 and also still breastfeeding. DH has made some comments indicating he's uncomfortable/not totally on board - DS1 feeding until 4 was "too long" apparently Hmm but then again he will joke around about it, smile at DS2 while he is feeding/say he's cute or tired or whatever etc. Also it is currently the only way he will go to sleep. So I don't think he objects THAT much. I was always worried that it would be this huge issue if we had children together, since I felt like he only held off because DS1 was not his child and therefore he didn't have a say, but actually in the time it's taken for our relationship to get to that stage, I've simply become more confident in myself and less dependant on his approval, but also I've grown to understand that you can disagree with somebody while still respecting that person, which was a bit confusing to me when I was younger.

Wanttolearnmore · 24/08/2020 23:02

Agree with other PPs that you would only need to mention it when you were getting close to sleeping with him. You need to get to know each other as people, rather than parents. Is he a parent himself? No need to turn this into a big deal, enjoy getting yo know him for now.
And a guy with genuine feelings for you wouldn't think anything of it anyway - if it put him off probably not the right guy anyway.

MarthasGinYard · 24/08/2020 23:08

It's a couple of dates and you don't plan on jumping in the sack anytime soon so why on earth would you?

sittingonacornflake · 24/08/2020 23:12

I'm in a very new relationship, we met through OLD - first started chatting in June and now we are together. I told him I was breastfeeding my DS of 2.5yo when it got to the point of sharing lots of info and he just said 'awesome breast is best!' And that's it!

I will warn you though that he has mentioned a couple of times when DTD that milk has come out and has also told me how warm it is so that's kind of mortifying, but only for me, he hasn't batted an eyelid!

Aquamarine1029 · 24/08/2020 23:16

This is a non-issue right now. You've only been on a few dates, and due to your child, you should be taking things very slowly anyway.

Tippexy · 24/08/2020 23:21

@Aquamarine1029

This is a non-issue right now. You've only been on a few dates, and due to your child, you should be taking things very slowly anyway.
Exactly!
rvby · 24/08/2020 23:27

@Bridecilla

If you're approaching sleeping with him and bf means your boobs are off limits then you need to tell him surely?
Confused the OP can just tell him not to touch her in that way. She doesn't have to give a reason. Just because they go to bed together doesn't mean he has free rein of her entire body unless she has an adequate excuse...??

OP, I started dating while I was still producing milk (I was an over producer and kept milking everywhere for almost 2 years after weaning, esp in intimate situations, eek!). It's a non issue to a man with any maturity really. My dp has no kids of his own, even so he didn't bat an eye, he was 31 and a committed bachelor at the time as well.

You could say nothing at all and just ask him to leave your nips alone, thanks.
You could mention briefly at the right time, "I'm still producing milk so just be aware of that, you might get a mouthful if you get too close".
You could tell him you are still breastfeeding, if you really want to - but be sure to also tell him what that means for him, some men don't have a clue how it all works.

Givemlala · 24/08/2020 23:27

I honestly don't think he will care, if it reaches the point you are going to have sex, just tell him then.

Gingerfish91 · 24/08/2020 23:28

If it’s an issue for him then to me that would be a problem.

If it came up I wouldn’t hide it but I don’t think it needs its own conversation especially not after a couple of dates.

Original poster
moonchilde · 24/08/2020 23:31

I doubt he will have a problem understanding breastfeeding. He's been through medical school and did a long placement working with neonates so guess he must at least have some experience of breastfeeding!

OP posts:
BrutusMcDogface · 24/08/2020 23:31

I am Shock at this thread. I’ve given birth to and breastfed 4 children (still feeding my 2yo) and never once has my dp had a mouthful of milk!! How does it happen? My thoughts are miles away from breastfeeding my babies when dp and I are between the sheets!

GisAFag · 24/08/2020 23:37

If you do have sex/foreplay with him and he's on your boobs won't you produce milk? So he'll find out then you still produce milk... Be nicer to let him know, just like if you are on your period and things get heated

Isadora2007 · 24/08/2020 23:39

@BrutusMcDogface doesn’t your husband ever go near your boobs when you’re having sex? I can’t imagine having sex without involving my breasts- so cant understand how you’ve managed four kids without your husband going near your boobs! 😬

steff13 · 24/08/2020 23:43

I'd tell him when/if you're at the point of having sex with him. Before that it isn't really his business.

rvby · 24/08/2020 23:44

@BrutusMcDogface

I am Shock at this thread. I’ve given birth to and breastfed 4 children (still feeding my 2yo) and never once has my dp had a mouthful of milk!! How does it happen? My thoughts are miles away from breastfeeding my babies when dp and I are between the sheets!
Oxytocin, the "cuddle hormone" that stimulates milk let-down, also stimulates sexual arousal and orgasm. It's normal to let down, and sometimes to leak/spray, milk during sexual contact, particularly if you're in a darkened, warm, safe environment with a trusted partner.

It has nothing to do with your thoughts, it's just the body and how it works.

rvby · 24/08/2020 23:49

@moonchilde

I doubt he will have a problem understanding breastfeeding. He's been through medical school and did a long placement working with neonates so guess he must at least have some experience of breastfeeding!
Don't count on that OP! Neonatal doctors are not taught in detail about how women experience breastfeeding, certainly not how milk production and weaning works. Nurses and lactation consultants are the experts on that side of things when it comes to the NICU/SCBU. Be mindful also that some doctors are extremely judgemental about extended breastfeeding!

You don't have to tell him anything though - just remember that. All he need know is he might get milk in his mouth. And he only needs to know that a few mins before you fall into bed, really. As a pp said, similar to giving a man a polite warning that you're on the rag.

Yeahnahmum · 25/08/2020 00:02

The fact that you wouldn't even think about sleeping with him before seeing being on 10 dates will probably be more of a deal breaker then you still letting your toddler breastfeed Grin

Yeahnahmum · 25/08/2020 00:03

seeing

gamerchick · 25/08/2020 00:04

You don't need to tell him anything OP, stop worrying.

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