Brother v Sister issues - AIBU

[ThirdTimeUnlucky]

Hi

My DM recently told me she is leaving some money separately to my DS in her will and my DB wouldn't be happy about it when he finds out. Everything else is 50/50.

Some background - my DB has 2 kids, divorced, good job, lives at home with DM for 7 yrs, wastes money, no plans to move out despite DM asking him too, doesn't help around house, DM widowed, ill health. Me - DS has SN, am on benefits as separated and STBEX living abroad, managing bills in own home but will soon sell as need to move on as STBEX treats home as hotel when in UK. My share of equity will not buy another home.

Am I being unreasonable to point out to DM that my DB has 'saved' 5 times the amount she is leaving my DS just by living with her? Of course he hasn't actually saved the money and she's not 'given' it to him. I have, in the past, said that if it wasn't for my DB, I could move back home (temp) while I get on my feet. I probably sound resentful and I guess I am but not to the extent it's spoilt relationships with my DM and DB. It is what it is. I am far more independent and resilient than my DB - always find a way. Whilst I'm happy with her plans for my son I don't think DB should feel this is unfair. She treats them all equally otherwise and it's not a massive amount. She probably won't tell DB her plans so it'll be me that will have to deal with any fall out.

YABU. It should be split 50/50, you can then choose to pass on some of your share to your daughter if you like, just as he can pass some on to his kids if he likes.

Alternatively, his two children should get the same amount your child does, and the rest split 50/50 between you two.

Yes you would be unreasonable. It is her money to leave how she wishes. Just keep your mouth firmly shut.

The fact she is leaving your son money just for him is very good for him. It will cause arguments when your brother finds out because his 2 children haven't been left anything directly by their grandmother.

Don't say anything to her. She's doing a nice thing for your DS.

Anything could happen between now and your mother's passing - your circumstances could change, your brother's could change and, in fact, your mother could need care or decide to blow the lot on a toyboy.

Any conversations with your brother can be had if he says anything at the time it happens.

I agree with above poster YABU it should be 50/50

I should add I know and met a few people whose grandparents have skipped their parents and left money directly to them. This is to set them up by allowing them to do postgraduate courses and buy houses.

Blatant favouritism when it comes to the grandchildren they should all get an equal amount I would be annoyed too, youre break up has no barring on what the grandchildren should get.

A decent person would tell their dm to not exclude her other grandchildren and include them.

I don't see what your problem is? She has told you she has left money to your son.
If your brother kicks off after her death, so what?The solicitors will be dealing with it. Might all have been squandered on care homes by then, anyway! What do you want your mother to say? That she'll leave your son out?
And no, it shouldn't be 50/50. It should be exactly as the person whose money it is sees fit.

I don't understand why you're angry at your mum for putting something aside for your son? Just because she said your DB wouldn't be happy about it? You've listed all the ways your mum has helped your brother out, and it looks like she is trying to balance the scales by leaving your DS something. SO surely you should be happy?

Whilst I'm happy with her plans for my son I don't think DB should feel this is unfair. She treats them all equally otherwise and it's not a massive amount. She probably won't tell DB her plans so it'll be me that will have to deal with any fall out.

Well, you can't dictate what your brother feels. I imagine in his shoes I would feel it was unfair, too, and if I was one of the grandchildren who was not receiving an inheritance of my own I'd probably feel a bit sore about it, a bit less loved and valued, a bit overlooked.

Am I being unreasonable to point out to DM that my DB has 'saved' 5 times the amount she is leaving my DS just by living with her?
Uh, yes, you would BVU- what on earth is the relevance of that to how your DB will feel about the difference in the way the grandchildren are treated?

I don’t see why your DB’s kids should lose out just because their father’s using your DM’s house like a hotel. Does he pay rent to your mum? If not maybe she should bypass him and leave his share to his kids instead.

It’s completely up to her how she leaves her money but she should talk to him about it before she dies or else it will be you dealing with the fallout. If your DS is likely to be reliant on benefits then she should look at leaving his money in a disabled Or vulnerable persons trust or else his benefits will be affected. Mencap has some great info and training sessions on trusts.

Your mum should also start asking your brother for a proper financial contribution to his jeep or give him notice to move out as it sounds like he’s taking the piss and she doesn’t really want him there.

It is not always as simple as 50 50 when there are other factors to consider. The OP's son has SN, his cousins presumably don't. That's one factor.

Also in the near future the OP will be having to rent a home and presumably will find it hard to get back on the housing ladder, through no fault of her own. Whereas her brother has a good job but has chosen to live with his mother, directly or indirectly being subsidised by her and not being a thoughtful house sharer.

Situations are not always straightforward. Families are made up of different individuals. Don't assume everyone is like you. Fairness is not always treating every one identically

Wills should always be equitable (unless something awful has happened) or those left will have a rift between them.

Your mum should leave something to all GS if she is leaving some to 1.

Thank you @Pemba @TwoBlueFish - this is it exactly. Plus to others, yes I'm happy. My DB is already getting massive financial support by living with my DM and pays a pittance compared to living in own house. That's not treating us equal is it? I'm struggling on benefits with SN child at Junior school. I want to and will eventually work again but right now I can't. Also, it's not a large sum, talking a good 2nd hand car possibly, not the 6 x 2nd hand cars my DB could have bought having 'saved' by not paying for own accommodation.
This would be my 'defence' if he kicks off. My DM is too scared to tell him. He has a very well paid job. It doesn't make sense why he won't move out. He's no company to my DM and makes life difficult for her (her words).

You would be better off supporting your DM in getting rid of her aggressive live-in parasite.

@FizzyGreenWater - oh yes, so true sadly.

Sounds very hurtful for the other grandchildren.

As a probate lawyer, I have seen this type of uneven split make for very difficult family situations after the death. Aside from people who are downright greedy and grasping, some can be left feeling as if they were not loved as much, and that's really hard / impossible to heal once that person is dead. Can you ask your Mum to hold a family discussion about this, where it is all set out and explained in advance? Failing that, she could write a letter to go alongside her will, explaining her actions.

Neither of you has a right to love at your mum’s. Especially not so you can mooch off her and save money. Your son is your responsibility. Your mum owes you nothing because your feckless ex left you or you’re on benefits, that’s bizarre. You’re an adult. You can’t criticise your brother for doing it because you’d rather you got to.

She should leave you and your brother equal amounts and the grandchildren equal amounts.

@AnneLovesGilbert - wow. My DS is my responsibility, haven't said he isn't. It's my DM choice to leave a 'small' sum of money to my DS.
@Covert19 - thank you, might suggest that.

Still digusting to stand by and allow other grandchikdren shafted, it tells them excately what they're grandmother thinks. Both of you need to stand of youre own two feet without mammys support. You sound jealous he can stay in the house with youre mother and smug you're ds is getting something extra the other grandchilrren aren't.

I would go nc if u found out my sb had be compliant in this, its not about the money but the principle.

I will leave exactly what I want to exactly who I want- thats my decision, surely?

My 90 year old M in L has left half her estate to one child, half to another and sweet FA to the third. her choice

Your DM should have the courage of her convictions and explain why she is not leaving an equal split. It’s completely her choice but I can’t help but worry how the other grandchildren will feel knowing they got less. They won’t be able to make the connection to free bed and board their dad received (if this is your DM’s justification).

There’s going to be an unequal will split in our family at some point. I don’t particularly feel it’s ‘fair’ but we all know about it and the rationale that went into the decision making. There won’t be any fall outs as a result as we’ve had years to make our peace with it. You DM should give your brother that same opportunity.