Brother v Sister issues - AIBU

[ThirdTimeUnlucky]

Hi

My DM recently told me she is leaving some money separately to my DS in her will and my DB wouldn't be happy about it when he finds out. Everything else is 50/50.

Some background - my DB has 2 kids, divorced, good job, lives at home with DM for 7 yrs, wastes money, no plans to move out despite DM asking him too, doesn't help around house, DM widowed, ill health. Me - DS has SN, am on benefits as separated and STBEX living abroad, managing bills in own home but will soon sell as need to move on as STBEX treats home as hotel when in UK. My share of equity will not buy another home.

Am I being unreasonable to point out to DM that my DB has 'saved' 5 times the amount she is leaving my DS just by living with her? Of course he hasn't actually saved the money and she's not 'given' it to him. I have, in the past, said that if it wasn't for my DB, I could move back home (temp) while I get on my feet. I probably sound resentful and I guess I am but not to the extent it's spoilt relationships with my DM and DB. It is what it is. I am far more independent and resilient than my DB - always find a way. Whilst I'm happy with her plans for my son I don't think DB should feel this is unfair. She treats them all equally otherwise and it's not a massive amount. She probably won't tell DB her plans so it'll be me that will have to deal with any fall out.

Does your son get DLA now and is he likely to need benefits when he is an adult?

People on means-tested benefits can have issues if they inherit money because it affects their benefit entitlement. So if your son is likely to need benefits in future, your mother would be wise to see advice on leaving him money - if it's a large amount she should put it into a trust (rather than leaving it directly to him).

If I were you I'd thank your mum, mention the benefits/trust issue to her, and disengage with anything your brother may or may not think about it. You can't control what he thinks or feels about it.

If you are concerned about him taking advantage of her now that's a separate issue.

You’re saying if your brother moved out you could move in. Maybe she doesn’t want any adult children and their dependents living off her.

What possible reason does she give for cutting her other two grandkids out of her will? They’re children. Whatever the sins of their parents they’ve done nothing wrong.

Your son is getting inheritance and his children aren’t. That’s appalling from your mother and you getting worked up about how he has no right to be upset is as bad. It doesn’t matter how much it is. She’s choosing one grandchild over the others and you well know you’d be raging if it was your son getting left out. Getting angry that your DB will probably get angry is really weird.

I'm not angry that he might be angry! . My DM told me he wouldn't be happy. Guess I'm trying to find a way to justify her decision. As I said, my DS has SN and she feels he will struggle in life so its her way of helping him personally. I'm using the comparison of DB getting more financial help than me to prove all things are not equal.
But yes, its more my DB's kids feelings my DM (and I) should think of. It's not been my decision though. How much do I interfere?

Son gets high rate DLA now but unlikely to as an adult, difficult to tell.

"How much do I interfere?"

You don't! It's your mother's decision.

Adults can't get DLA, it would be PIP. But that wouldn't be affected by inheritance as it's not means-tested. The key question is whether he would be able to work and earn a decent wage, or whether he would have to claim benefits (either fully or to top up a low wage).

If your mother has singled him out (over her other grandchildren) it could be because she thinks he'll need more financial support in future (because of his SN) or maybe because you can't give him as much financial help as your brother can give to his children??

Your brother possibly being angry that his mother is showing blatant favouritism amongst her grandchildren is irrelevant to the fact that he has lived with her and she has helped him out.

The grandchildren should be treated equally by their grandparents, and if they’re not going to be, then don’t be surprised when people get upset about it.

My DM told me he wouldn't be happy. Guess I'm trying to find a way to justify her decision.

OP, if you're worried that DB will kick off at you when he finds out, just tell him "it wasn't my decision as it was someone else's assets and someone else's will".

He WBVU to blame you for the consequences of someone else's will - WTF???

There's no "should" when it comes to someone else's assets - the owner can do whatever they like with them, fair or otherwise!

My dear childless aunt left half of her (considerable) estate to niece A,
one-fourth to the daughter of niece A and divided the final fourth between Niece B and Niece C. She also specified in the will that she was leaving NOTHING to Niece D or Niece E and they knew why. (The whole family knew why but no one wanted to air dirty laundry in court.)

Nieces B and C and D and E have not spoken to A and her daughter since the will was probated but that is fine by them. My aunt was used as a no-pay-back loan machine while she was alive but finally she had the last word!
Maybe this is your mother's way of getting back at a son who won't leave home and doesn't contribute in any way to her happiness?

Is she leaving it to your son to avoid your benefits being affected if she left it to you direct?

While she is entitled to leave whatever she wants to whoever she wants if I were your brother I would feel upset on behalf of my children (assuming she has a relationship with them) - it's nothing to do with how much she has left to you and him, the grandchildren are a seperate thing and I'd be feeling that it's very much a 'she loves him more than my kids' (which is probably completely irrational) - but if the money were split 1/3 me and 2/3 my sister because I'd lived with my parents and had 'extra' while they were alive or because my sister needed the money more because of the differences in lifestyle I could accept that and rationalise it. If the money were split 1/3 me, 1/3 my sister and 1/3 my nephew and my children had nothing I'd be upset for them

Completely off point but why not move in with your DM and help provide leverage for DB to move out???

Your DM could get rid of DB in a number of ways such as you being homeless or her selling up/moving out...

Surely its her money to leave to whichever grandchildren she want. Fair or not its her business

Update DB knows and understands the reasons.

Let’s hope his kids are equally fine knowing their grandmother considered them second class grandchildren.

I think it’s one thing to completely cut people off, I think it’s another to divide your estate based on need.

For example, my husband and I have two children with SN.

I cannot imagine my BIL would be at all put out if PIL made a provision for them and then split the rest (he has no children).

Likewise I have no parents but an aunt may leave my sisters and me some of her estate. My sisters are both on low incomes and I have my own home and a good job. I would fully expect the bulk to be left to them and I would maybe get a token.

You don't need to point anything out to her. It sounds as though she's already worked it out for herself and decided what she wants to do.

If she wants to explain it to DB she can, but the less you have to do with it, the better.

Let’s hope his kids are equally fine knowing their grandmother considered them second class grandchildren.

Or that they understand they have already had lots of advantages and benefits from her which OP's son has not. And are not so mean minded as some of the people here. Fair does NOT always mean equal.

I think it would be a good idea if your DM could write a letter, to accompany her will, explaining why she has left your son money. Is it because he has special needs?) I think I would be upset if I was one of her other GC as I would feel she cared less about me, unless there was a good reason to do so.

I’m glad it’s been discussed and he’s happy with it (assuming from smiley face!)

I still think your DM needs to grow a backbone and tell (not ask) your DB to move out and stand on his own two feet. It is her home not his. I would like to think that when my kids are older they are always welcome home if they need to overcome a setback (your divorce) but would be independent enough to recognise when it was time to step back out.

@Rosehip345 - that's it exactly, thank you.

Update - Something happened today, to my advantage, that just goes to prove what I was thinking. I pointed out to my DM all that my DB had benefited from (prev post) and it seems like she took it on board.
Nothing has been said.to him but think she is more aware now of my DB taking advantage.
She know's who has her back.

YABU I would not be happy if my sisters kids got more than mine just because she does nit have a job, I'd be fuming actually. What he spends his earned money on is irrelevant.

Also has nothing to do with his kids. Your mums cruel and the kids will rightly feel like second best.