To not know how to explain my love language to dp

[alwaystired234]

I know this is a pretty done topic but itd be nice for some other opinions. Been with dp for 5 years, 2 toddlers. Weve always gotten on great and have loads in common but struggle to show compassion to each other. After my 1st ds was born I had a horrible bout of pnd which I had to get myself through but ever since I have had no sex drive. He has struggled with depression but been on medication for a good year and most of the time feels fine. He is not the most thoughtful bloke on the planet and it makes me feel downright awful at times. On top of that he works long hours and I am stuck with 99% of the work load and childcare on my own which is sometimes overwhelming. We have one day off a week together as I work part time and all he will do is sit and watch TV. Womt want to talk, says he feels miserable and will leave me to do everything. He will do things if I ask but I find it upsetting that hell never offer and he usually trades off. For example if I say can you wash up hell huff then need to leave the room for the next hour for him time. I have tried explaining that him being considerate and caring is how I feel valued and wanted the same way that when we sleep together he feels valued and wanted. On the other hand I just have no desire to sleep with him. Not because I dont fancy him or we dont have a good time when I'm not expecting something of him but by the time I go to bed I'm exhausted. He will come home at 8PM which is when we have dinner together I'll then wash that up so won't have finished the day until 9/9.30pm when I get up with the kids at 5am every day without fail. I just feel exhausted and having 2 toddlers for every waking moment I just get into bed and want to have some alone time. I feel so guilty though and it's making me feel horrendous. I dont know what to do

Tell him that his behaviour towards you, his selfishness, his lack of compassion and and attitude towards doing chores around the house is really unattractive.

...and the last thing you want to do after being his and everyone's skivvy all day is sleep with him.

You really don't need to say it any other way.

@dohorseseatapples we had a row about it the night before last which is why it's still on my mind and I did say when I have no support I dont feel valued or like I have a connection when he comes onto me and at that point he said what I was saying was too hurtful and went and slept downstairs.

So what's his 'love language' towards you? Sulking? Pressuring you for sex when you're knackered? Not parenting his own DC properly, let alone not being a partner to be wife?

I'm puzzled as how you can even say Weve always gotten on great and have loads in common

Regardless of what your love language is, he's barely communicating anything with you at all. Why bother about whether you want to have sex with him? Bother about whether you need him in your life at all!

he said what I was saying was too hurtful and went and slept downstairs.

That's an interesting spin he's put on it.
The truth hurts doesn't it?
My response would be 'I'm sorry that you don't like hearing it but you're treating me with no respect whatsoever. If it makes you feel bad, tough.'

Leave him to sulk downstairs. Good riddance.

“My love language is valuing myself too much to be treated like a domestic slave so our relationship is over and you’re moving out”

Honestly I feel so worn down I dont even think I know what's normal anymore. Doesn't help the fact that me and the kids have all got horrible cold my youngest was awake until 4am with a stuffy nose and he's just phoned saying he's going to dinner with his manager. I feel so lonely and confused.

It’s not you who should be feeling guilty. Even if I had all the energy in the world there is no way I’d want to sleep with someone who couldn’t even be arsed to converse with me, let alone pull his weight around the house without sulking about it. LTB.

Tell him that research shows that men who do more domestic chores get more sex.

Honestly I feel so worn down I don't even think I know what's normal anymore

Trust your instincts. It's not normal or acceptable in a loving relationship. It's obvious from the way he huffed off downstairs that he can't cope with being confronted but he needs to listen to you.

So, be calm and clear with him. State facts, tell him how his behaviour makes you feel ... use as few words as possible.

If he won't listen and/or tries to make you feel responsible or guilty, point out to him what he is doing.
If he still won't listen, make plans to get out of this situation yourself.

Tell him that research shows that men who do more domestic chores get more sex

I'll add to that: 'Tell him that research shows that men who do more domestic chores AND are kind and compassionate get more sex.'

You really don't have to explain your love language to him. He needs to stop being an inconsiderate arse and start being a decent partner and father.

You say you've always 'got on great', but as you've only been together for five years, you've spent a very large part of your relationship with babies or toddlers. (I was the same, it was hard work!) At what point did you get on great, and when did it stop? After your first baby? When he started suffering from depression?

His behaviour is abysmal. If you want to try to discussing this, I'd recommend looking into Esther Perel, she has a lot of videos & writing and is very good at putting these sorts of things into words. There are also many love language charts that might break it down for him easier.

@dohorseseatapples he seems to believe with every ounce of him that its completely normal to not be supportive or not ask if someone ok or give a hug or even just use a kind voice if in having a hard time and seems confused when I bring it up. I have brought up to him that I just want to feel cared about and he says to just give him a list of things to do and hell do it (prob in a mood and needing a lot of congratulations) but that's not the point I just want to feel like someone's got my back

@msvestibule we actually get on really well when I'm not expecting anything of him and we are plodding alone. We watch films together most evenings and chat and laugh about our days. He's a very pleasant person to be around apart from when I'm having a hard time and need a bit of support. If I even lower my mood and I seem down in the dumps then he comes across colder so a lot of the time I pretend to be in the best mood even if I'm feeling a bit meh otherwise he's uncomunicative and i have nobody to talk to

So he's a fair weather partner? Great if the weather's always fair, but that's pretty unlikely in a long term relationship. My DH wasn't brilliant when I was suffering from PND/stress (I don't think he really knew how to deal with it) but he'd always hug me if I was feeling particularly low and pulled his weight WRT the house and childcare, without whinging.

I'm not saying LTB, but if you do decide one day that it's not tolerable anymore, are you able to support yourself? You say you work PT - could you increase the hours if it became necessary?

You function as maid and nanny... I can see why you’re not feeling hot for him

He sounds like a knob
It isn't a good relationship if he can't be basically kind towards you. Its nothing to do with love languages, he's not a good partner. Raise your standards

I agree with PP about saying clearly, in as few words as possible, what is a problem for you. You can introduce it with something like, "I know some of this will be hard to hear, but this is really important to me, and I'm trying to say it as kindly as I can... " (this is if you're wanting to see if things are fixable, rather than just LTB)

He'll probably try to derail the conversation by deflecting it back onto you-know-what perhaps by using his depression and saying you don't understand /aren't supportive enough, or that when you say harsh things to him like this it makes him not want to help, or that fine, he's obviously just a rubbish person so why don't you just leave him...

You need to just stay calm and firm, gentle tone of voice (because you are not letting him turn this into an argument, that's what he wants) don't let him drag you off topic and don't let him make you think you're being unreasonable.

You do need to have clear in your head specifically what you want from him, and make sure that is communicated. If he's really unreceptive, you also need clear in your head what you will do if he will not agree to anything.

*deflecting it back onto you- perhaps by using his depression

Stupid auto correct!

Explaining your love language would only be relevant if he had his own, differing one. Eg i express by giving gifts (traditional birthday/christmas ones, but also getting little treats whilst i’m out or special bits in the food shop or whatever.) DH likes hug/touch and to actually verbally say/hear that we love each other so I’ve got used to saying things out loud in a way that doesn’t come naturally, and he tries hard to think of good presents for me although he usually ends up panicking and buys randomly ). My DB does jobs for people he cares about - diy, electrics, plumbing etc. We can all recognise and appreciate each other’s strengths.

You haven’t listed anything your DP does which is nice to you, let along a love language. I think your problem here is him not liking you, not a mismatch of love languages.

So he's only happy when you're doing everything for him and the children and not complaining?