To not know how to explain my love language to dp

[alwaystired234]

I know this is a pretty done topic but itd be nice for some other opinions. Been with dp for 5 years, 2 toddlers. Weve always gotten on great and have loads in common but struggle to show compassion to each other. After my 1st ds was born I had a horrible bout of pnd which I had to get myself through but ever since I have had no sex drive. He has struggled with depression but been on medication for a good year and most of the time feels fine. He is not the most thoughtful bloke on the planet and it makes me feel downright awful at times. On top of that he works long hours and I am stuck with 99% of the work load and childcare on my own which is sometimes overwhelming. We have one day off a week together as I work part time and all he will do is sit and watch TV. Womt want to talk, says he feels miserable and will leave me to do everything. He will do things if I ask but I find it upsetting that hell never offer and he usually trades off. For example if I say can you wash up hell huff then need to leave the room for the next hour for him time. I have tried explaining that him being considerate and caring is how I feel valued and wanted the same way that when we sleep together he feels valued and wanted. On the other hand I just have no desire to sleep with him. Not because I dont fancy him or we dont have a good time when I'm not expecting something of him but by the time I go to bed I'm exhausted. He will come home at 8PM which is when we have dinner together I'll then wash that up so won't have finished the day until 9/9.30pm when I get up with the kids at 5am every day without fail. I just feel exhausted and having 2 toddlers for every waking moment I just get into bed and want to have some alone time. I feel so guilty though and it's making me feel horrendous. I dont know what to do

This isn’t about love languages, and I honestly don’t think that’s the right vehicle to bring it up, it sounds like bollocks which your dissatisfactions aren’t.

I know it’s very difficult with children and C19 but would he agree Relate or equivalent counselling online? Make sure it’s a qualified accredited relationship counsellor.
Sometimes you need a third party to ensure you both are fully heard. In your shoes I’d have a preference for a male counsellor, so he can’t brush it off as two women being bound to gang up against him, - although a good counsellor will not do that anyway.

He's not confused.

He's not great to be with.

He's a selfish user who will be nice to you on the surface as long as thre's something in it for him (sex, having company to wathc a film, etc.)

If you need support, or even just a friendly smile when he's not in the mood to do so? Forget it! It's not like he gives a flying fuck about you - why the hell should he?

It's not normal for a parent to just ring up and say 'Oh, out tonight' without ASKING the other parent if that works for them. It's not ok. He has responsibility for his children too.

There is so much that could be said here but the bottom line is, if you have to argue and cry and TRAIN and TEACH a partner to just show you basic respect - it's not worth it FFS.

Get rid. You'll be loads happier.

I feel like I have a skewed perception of how relationships should be but whenever I have conversations with other people's inputs it makes me stop and think for a bit. I know it's not normal but when I confront him he is so good at turning it around and making me feel like I'm being ungrateful and he's doing everything because he works and will pick out tiny examples of things he's done around the house and blow it up then I feel like in being ridiculous and end up feeling silly for bringing it up

I'm just having a hard time today especially as I didnt sleep at all last night and hes off out with a female collegue for dinner the two of them that he just announced a couple of hours ago. I'm not even jealous about them going out although I do think it oversteps boundaries its just the lack of consideration that the kids and I are all poorly and hes just galavanting around, I've got the start of a huge headache but he didnt even ask just said 'I dont need dinner tonight is taking me out for dinner'

Could you call him and tell him that you are not feeling well and you need him to (cancel) come home and look after his children.
What would he say?

@dohorseseatapples he'd probably cancel but say that the reason is because isn't because I'm unwell but because I have a problem with him going out (which isn't the case) and hed definitely imply that hes said I'm controlling to his colleagues

In that case I’d get him to cancel so that you can go to bed. He can say what he likes.

Looks like you can’t win. When he gets home go to bed and rest.

If you're genuinely unwell, or even if you're not then tell him to cancel, and go to bed the minute he walks through the door. Have your pj's on already. At least you'll catch up on your sleep.
Arrange for a male to 'take you out for dinner' next week. I suspect what's good for the goose here, won't be good for the gander.
Honestly, what is in this relationship for you? If you want it to continue, I think you're only hope of changing anything is to find a good couples counsellor who will not allow him to deflect from the central issues.

OP the "love language" thing is only applicable in otherwise happy, healthy relationships. This is neither.

This is a lazy slob who doesn't see why he should pull his weight around the home and wants sex on tap.

Call a spade a spade. Stop trying to meet him half way, read him the riot act and if he doesn't get it, show him the door.

He twists everything to his perspective.
He is a selfish and lazy individual.

Tell him you are not happy and if he doesn’t start pulling his weight you’ll be leaving him. Oh and dc will be his responsibility 50% if the time as he created 50% of them so you won’t have days off or dinner meetings with your bosses mate. You’ll be doing a REAL job after work. Childcare.

Here’s the list of chores that need done and the frequency they need done. I’ll stick it on the fridge. You can see if I’ve already done them (Eg look in the bin and see if it needs emptied, look at the floor and see if it needs cleaned) and if not you can feel free. Don’t wait for me to tell you I’m not your mother. And if we split you’ll need to do them all yourself anyway. Crack on.