To be upset that my mother is not in the 'if you can't say anything nice, keep your mouth shut' camp?

[OLGADEEPOLGA]

My mother never seems to realise how things she says can really hurt. I can remember numerous times I have thought she is going to say something nice or complimentary and then my heart drops as she says something horrible.

A few recent examples - I bought her a bunch of flowers to be delivered to her house, she called me after they had arrived and said 'I got the flowers and they were awful ' - they were from John Lewis as an aside and v expensive. Why couldn't she say thank you , the flowers were lovely? Apparently the colours were not to her liking.

Next example during lockdown my hair has grown and I've not been able to get to the hairdresser, I sent her a photo of me and she replied 'I like your hair shorter' - that's it, nothing else. She also text me yesterday to ask if my hair colour was natural on my whatsapp profile pic, I replied yes it is. She replied 'I prefer it lighter' . I've never dyed my hair lighter at all so basically she doesn't like my natural hair colour?!

Why would someone always do things like this? She always comments on slight gains in weight too as if she is some perfect supermodel without any flaws.

If this was you, would it get you down? And I KNOW there are bigger things in life to worry about but I just can never imagine myself speaking that way to my daughter so apologies if this seems a silly pathetic concern, I just would like to know if it's normal.

She sounds like a cow. Does she do it to everyone or just you?

Just to me and my sister - we are both adults in our early 50's and it still happens

How does she handle criticism towards her?

Sounds to me like your mum wasn’t taught any manners. Seems she has brought you up to be curtious and sad aware though. Has she ALWAYS been like this?

I don’t want to sound dramatic but if her character has suddenly changed could is is depression or deteriorating mental heltht?

SELF aware. Not sad aware!!! 🤣

My mother is exactly the same. I fact, she has made the exact same criticisms to me in the last few months. Are you my sister? I just roll my eyes now. It’s just her. When I buy flowers I now ask what she wants or else she will moan.

It's not a sudden change, I can remember examples from when I was a young girl, all very similar

I think you'd be totally within your rights to tell her that she's incredibly rude, you give not a sun blushed shit what she thinks and if she hates your flowers so much you will not send any more in future. I mean, I could understand that if it was clothes or something, and if it was put nicely, because then it matters a bit, but flowers that are just decorative for a few days? Who cares if the colours aren't your favourite?

My mother has a tendency to think that being our mother gives her carte blanche to say whatever she likes to us. It does get tedious.

Funnily enough, she's got better with age - partially that might be because we don't just take what she says lying down the same.

For example, with the flowers, I'd be likely to say, 'oh, that's a shame, I just won't bother buying you flowers again'. . .

She’s just a bully - trying to make you feel small because she is insecure in herself.

No advice, but I sympathise as my mother is a lot like this. She claims she's only saying to us what 'everyone else thinks but is too two faced to say' (ie she's doing us a favour by letting us know what everyone else is judging is for, so we can rectify it, as if we care what others think anyway!). It took me until my 30s to realise that I wasn't odd, and that actually most people don't have an internal critical opinion of everyone and everything! No wonder I lacked confidence, suffered with anxiety, got into abusive relationships and didn't like myself much (all of which were also criticised).

Now I just tell her that no, 'everyone else' doesn't think that [insert nasty or hurtful opinion] - it's just her. She still persists in making horrible comments about everything so I just limit contact as much as I can and don't tell her anything important to me any more.

Goodness, my DM is like this! Constantly negative, she's just a Debbie Downer about everything!
When I first left my (abusive and cheating) EXH, I moved in with my parents for 6 months. I was, understandably quite upset (and actually a little unwell, mentally) she told me I needed to stop crying or social services would take my son away! My DF was furious with her, he actually walked out, I thought he was going to leave her. She also mentioned once that my 2 year old (at the time) needed some professional help from a psychiatrist ...when he was merely having the usual toddler tantrum.
I try to avoid anything negative with her now and I do actually tell her that if she can't say something nice, I would prefer her to say nothing at all! If she does, I usually just shake my head or roll my eyes.

Surely you know what she's like by now?

Why are you sending her flowers, photos, calls?

Stop.

Tell her why.

I can't understand why when she said she didn't like the flowers you didn't say " how rude.. no worries mother, I will never trouble you with flowers again"

When she says some thing rude.. say "how rude".

Back away from her.
It is so damaging to be around people like this, when you keep swallowing and internalising it. Either tell her to STFU or keep away from her.
Easy peasy

Mine is there with yours! My mother is mostly concerned with appearance and is now at an age, not actually old really, where she thinks she can be even more "forthcoming". She criticises me, my children and my friends... And the house.

My mum became like this when she was in her eighties. She had been fine during the previous decades.
I agree that waiting for the inevitable ‘downing’ remark is depressing and puts one off Initiating conversation.
However I still miss her now she has gone.

My MIL is like this. If you send her flowers she moans that she is too busy to put them into a vase - it is like you have just created work for her.
If you take her out for a meal, she will moan about the food.
However, she is like this everyone, so at least it never feels personal.
We just endure duty visits to the ungrateful old bat and laugh about her afterwards - it really is the only way, there is absolutely no pleasing some people.

Sadly familiar, and only made worse (in my mum) as her cognitive decline worsens. You have my every sympathy.

My DM can be similar to this, but she does it with good intentions, I do know that. Like for example telling me that what I'm wearing doesn't suit me, or that she prefers my hair when it isn't dyed blond, that sort of thing. I've decided that she just has foot in mouth disease. It used to upset me, but I'm able to shut her down now.

Your mum, on the other hand, sounds like she's unkind to you and your DSis and an outright bully. I'm sorry to say it, but she isn't going to change now.

Every time - throw it back...

“I like you hair lighter”..... “Yes, I preferred yours darker when it wasn’t grey”

“The flowers were awful”..... “Yes I didn’t bother to spend a lot” (even if you did).

Flip every negative back in some way. It puts them on the back foot and stood the reaction they’re used to getting of you being slightly hurt and left in your place.

*stops not stood

Say something to her when she makes these remarks.
"That's very rude" springs to mind

My mum is like this, I've started saying to her 'that's really rude' or when she commented on how grey my hair (she didn't intend it as a compliment) is 'I know, I love it!'

Could you do the same?

As pp’s said, stop doing stuff like sending flowers.

@FadedRed

Thank you🙏.....love it🤣

That was my mother’s favourite statement to me but she was and is, the absolute opposite.
Never has a nice word to say to me, ever. She’s 94 now and still criticises me at every opportunity so I avoid seeing her as much as possible. It hurts.