To be upset that my mother is not in the 'if you can't say anything nice, keep your mouth shut' camp?

[OLGADEEPOLGA]

My mother never seems to realise how things she says can really hurt. I can remember numerous times I have thought she is going to say something nice or complimentary and then my heart drops as she says something horrible.

A few recent examples - I bought her a bunch of flowers to be delivered to her house, she called me after they had arrived and said 'I got the flowers and they were awful ' - they were from John Lewis as an aside and v expensive. Why couldn't she say thank you , the flowers were lovely? Apparently the colours were not to her liking.

Next example during lockdown my hair has grown and I've not been able to get to the hairdresser, I sent her a photo of me and she replied 'I like your hair shorter' - that's it, nothing else. She also text me yesterday to ask if my hair colour was natural on my whatsapp profile pic, I replied yes it is. She replied 'I prefer it lighter' . I've never dyed my hair lighter at all so basically she doesn't like my natural hair colour?!

Why would someone always do things like this? She always comments on slight gains in weight too as if she is some perfect supermodel without any flaws.

If this was you, would it get you down? And I KNOW there are bigger things in life to worry about but I just can never imagine myself speaking that way to my daughter so apologies if this seems a silly pathetic concern, I just would like to know if it's normal.

Send her a venus fly trap...
A huge one.

She sounds like my late mother in law!
Some people are just very hard to please, unfortunately.
Nod and smile or just don't raise to the bait. Hard to do , but don't let her bring you down!

I think the next flowers I'd send would be on her grave!

If you send her flowers she moans that she is too busy to put them into a vase - it is like you have just created work for her

This made me laugh because someone sent me flowers yesterday and my first thought was “Great. Now I’m going to have to put them in a vase.”

I’ve just had a baby though and struggling to find time to shower!

MIL was famous for her forthright views. I would challenge rudeness but ultimately my go-to punishment was to stop calling or visiting for a couple of weeks until I’d forgiven her.

It was complicated because we all loved her and she had this huge personality but absolutely no filter.

Have some stock phrases to use and distance yourself is my best advice.

My mother is very similar OP. Total narcissist and likes to make herself feel better by belittling others.

@User33019385

It’s absolutely pathetic that every time someone posts in MN that a partner/parent/friend has been an arsehole then someone armchair psychologist always has to suggest autism.

There are a whole host of reasons why the OP’s mother says mean things - autistic people may be honest but We are mortified when we hurt people - it’s absolutely not intentional. The OPs mum is clearly behaving a particular way towards her children and there would appear to be a calculated aspect to it. Being mean and calculating is not something that is generally considered part of the autistic spectrum though given the amount of misinformation about autism spouted on threads like this it is no wonder that more and more people think the understand what autism is but in reality are just parroting the crap they read here.

And I’m not an “ASD person” - I’m autistic - which means I’m still a human, still have feelings, but I’m just wired and see the world differently. Your prejudice and contempt for us shines through in your terminology.

@Scautish I agree. She isn't autistic. I think she is just mean spirited and nothing will ever be good enough.

Was awaiting the dementia suggestions tbh!
Maybe she is just a nasty old bat!!.

Some people really are just nasty. There doesn't have to be a diagnosis to excuse their bad behaviour.

My DM is a bit like this - I usually reply as if she has said the opposite - so if she moans about I present I'll usually reply something along the lines of "not at all, it was no trouble" re the hair colour something along the lines of "yes it's naturally such a nice colour" etc Once she realised that everything she said bounced off me she stopped.

My Dad can be like this, making belittling comments and just generally being nasty. I’ve learnt to let it wash over me, it’s the way he is and I can’t change him. I also have to watch myself with criticism as it’s easy to learn this behavior from a parent and do it yourself!
I made sure I married someone v. different to my Dad, polar opposite in fact ( and DH doesn’t like my Dad much)!

My DM sounds similar, although became so awful we are now NC. I don’t think she has ever said anything nice or positive to me.

Even on my wedding day when I was finally ready she just looked me up and down and walked off out to the car. Surely your mum should be the first one to tell you that you look lovely/beautiful/whatever, not be the one to make no comment at all?

I became overweight (size 16-18) as a teenager and struggled with my weight until I was in my early 30’s. She absolutely shredded my self-confidence with her nasty comments and dirty looks, but then I lost the weight and became a size 10 and then I was constantly berated for being too thin and anorexic (I was not)! All just the tip of the iceberg so after the last straw I no longer have her in my life.

My FIL is like this, thinks he's funny, clever, just saying it like it is, it's just 'his way'.

Of three offspring, only one will have anything to do with him. He's divorced. None of the grandchildren will have anything to do with him.

Natural consequence of his actions in being a nasty, spiteful, malicious old git.

Sympathies, my Mil is like this and is getting worse with age. She’s definitely losing her filter - not that she had a great one anyway! She constantly puts people down and makes petty spiteful comments about their looks. She’s also getting very domineering and bolshy. If you tell her she’s being rude or inappropriate she gets quite aggressive. Sigh.....

It would hurt my feelings. It's why I'm quite low contact with my own DM. The flowers example in your OP is almost word for word for what she said to me once a few years ago when I ordered her flowers in a glass vase. She told me the vase looked cheap and the flowers were practically dead. I mean, I get that that's disappointing but what can I actually do about that after forking out £50?

She's also made similar comments about my appearance.

When she criticised my weight gain and bad hair during pregnancy I told her that whilst she may think she's saying things from a place of love, she's actually hurtful and I wasn't going to engage with it anymore.

She's rationalised it since my childhood by telling people I'm over-sensitive. So I feel your pain OP!

@FadedRed

As pp’s said, stop doing stuff like sending flowers.

I have saved this to my phone for future use.

Oh goodness! We have to be sisters, Op! My mother also suffers from awful verbal diarrhea and will spew the nastiest criticisms out of her mouth without a second thought. She literally is the MOST NEGATIVE person I know, and has gotten worse in recent years.

We recently returned from a day at the seaside, just for a change of scenery. I took lots of pictures and posted them to her so she could feel included (she's a bit salty that we haven't been able to make the flight home to visit her this summer) and all she could do was complain about how blurry they were. She also complained about the box of chocolates I sent her for Mother's Day. Instead of "you shouldn't have" it was "I don't really like chocolate"---which is absolute bull. She's a massive chocoholic. Always has been. She just needed something to complain about.

She seems to have forgotten the entire concept of "If you don't have anything nice to say..." It's maddening.

@Wearywithteens

I hesitate to say this for risk of being crucified but I have a tendency to be like this. I’m naturally the Simon Cowell of the family and instantly feel it a duty to critique anything put in front of me. I know it can be rude and hurtful so I do suppress this as much as possible and (like SC) I do give praise where it’s due. It’s a mix of having high standards in life and mistakenly thinking you’re doing people a favour by giving them feedback ‘to improve’. (Please don’t lynch me - I’m bearing my soul to try and give some insight to be helpful!)

So for example if someone bought me flowers and they were crap, I’d want them to know not to waste their money getting them from there again. Yes she was rude, but in her mind she was trying to be helpful.

Surprise surprise I’m not a believer in the phrase ‘if you haven’t got anything good to say...’. I lived in the US for a while and there is cultural mentality if this but it results in ‘yes men’, misguided positivity and a very shallow social discourse. Nobody wants negativity but sometimes you do need honest critique, openness, honesty and a time/space for people to lament and air sorrows. We can’t all live in a Stepford wife, fake smile world. Well, I can’t.

Any I digress...I think a good comeback is just to tell your mother that her comments hurt your feelings. Give her the same critical feedback. So something like ‘ok thanks for that mum, I won’t buy flowers from there again but I was just trying to do a nice thing.’
Or
‘Yes, mum I’m aware that I need my hair doing - I’m a grown women I don’t need you to tell me.’
Or
‘Mum I feel a bit hurt about when you said xyz - can’t you just lie and say something nice for once? You know, like other mothers?’ (notice peer pressure there - works well!)

Ultimately don’t pander your her and don’t take it too much to heart. My kids take the Mickey out of me for it ‘oh wow, it’s always mum who has to say something isn’t it?’ and we end up having a laugh about it. Try to get to this point with her - hold a mirror up to it and show her how inappropriate it is.

That really resonated with me as I believe that's what my mother thinks she's doing. The flowers incident was absolutely that she was cross that I'd wasted money on a shit bouquet. But if the situation were reversed she would've been really angry at me for pointing it out to her.

I do respond now exactly as you suggest and it has helped - though she's now turned her attention to my DSis, who has yet to learn the tricks.

What can be tremendously entertaining, is just how sensitive people who are 'just telling it like it is, it's just their way' can be to so much as a hint of negativity towards their own very special selves!

@Thisischocolate

My DM sounds similar, although became so awful we are now NC. I don’t think she has ever said anything nice or positive to me.

Even on my wedding day when I was finally ready she just looked me up and down and walked off out to the car. Surely your mum should be the first one to tell you that you look lovely/beautiful/whatever, not be the one to make no comment at all?

I became overweight (size 16-18) as a teenager and struggled with my weight until I was in my early 30’s. She absolutely shredded my self-confidence with her nasty comments and dirty looks, but then I lost the weight and became a size 10 and then I was constantly berated for being too thin and anorexic (I was not)! All just the tip of the iceberg so after the last straw I no longer have her in my life.

Oh goodness. That breaks my heart Thisischocolate.

I've also dealt with a weight problem my whole life. And one of the most "memorable" moments with my mother on my wedding day was her asking "What Happened??" when I stepped into my dress. It was a bit snug as I had gained a few stress pounds in the run up to the wedding. I felt beautiful in it. Apparently she didn't agree. Nice.

I hate being told I’m too sensitive! Yes I am very sensitive but I look on it mostly as a good thing& it helps to make me the person I am. People trying to excuse their behaviour will tell the other person that they are being too sensitive. I have had this from my DM & DH ( although not very often now from DH)

It's hateful isn't it. My MIL was straight on the phone to Next when her flowers from Mother's Day were scraggy. My own mum said nothing but admitted hers were half dead too. Husband rang them and they replaced my mum's and sent her prosecco and chocolates whilst MIL only got a new bunch. I was thrilled that no complaining got my mum more.
My MIL will mention gifts we've bought and says "don't get us another x,y, z because it was shit " (paraphrasing). It's infuriating. Not a direct insult but wow. Annoying. I'd use the famous "are you trying to be rude/ did you mean to be so rude?" line