Do I need to give my children the same

[Noneformethanks]

Not a taat but I just read a thread about making a difference between children and it’s made me think.

Dc went to uni but was able to live with a family member and had no accommodation costs. They also took food from here every weekend and I did their washing. I supported them to the tune of £30 a week and due to my Very low income they got full loans and grants. Now graduated and earning well.

Youngest DC due to go to uni this year living away from home. Still getting full loans and grants but I’m giving them a lump Sum of £200/250 to get bits for their room at uni and will give them £50 a week.

Am I being unfair?

Yes. But I suppose income situations do change as time goes on.

You're not being unfair. You younger child has different needs than the older child did.

I think it’s fair as it gives them the same opportunity education wise.

I can’t do groceries for dd because she’s away - I spent extra to supply food every week and in my head it was evened out except for the lump sum for bedroom.

To add, DC isn’t asking for it but I don’t want to be unfair.

Not unfair at all. You give according to need and situation. Cost of living has definitely increased this year universally too.

Honestly I wouldn’t worry about quantifying every amount to the nearest whole pound- the support is what you gave them, no situation is exactly the same. If it was a gift of money it would be different but think it’s fine

No, they have different needs to enable them to get similar opportunities. I went to private school and my brother chose not to (he was doing fine where he was). Doesn't mean he was given the £5k every year it cost for my fees (a long time ago when private school was cheaper!)

You’re not being unfair.
You’re providing your younger child with the same things their sibling had in a different way.

You are supporting both children through uni in the way they have chosen to study so that seems fair to me.

For example, I lived at home so my parents covered my accommodation food and also paid for petrol for my commute. My loan was to cover all my other spends and I had a part time job. My brother moved away, I have no idea what they paid for for him and nor was it any of my business. I assume they paid his rent and some extras, he also had a part time job. We were both supported to do what we wanted within our parents means. Fair to me.

My daughter is on full loans at university she doesn't need any extra money she has even managed to keep some to last the holidays and start the next year with i did buy her all her uni kit but that was it

No, of course not. You are giving them what they need, not necessarily the same in monetary terms.

I think it's important to treat children equally financially when it comes to, for example, birthday presents or inheritance. But for day to day living, it's ok to differentiate depending on the child and what they are doing.

For example, if you have two children who do after school activities. One is free (say a sport done from school), one costs money (say drama or music). Do you give cash to child 1 equivalent to the tuition cost of child 2? Of course not.

If anything your child 1 did pretty well, child 2 is going to be under much more pressure financially.

Thank you.

I know child 1 is going to give youngest a bung of money for uni - I’ve told them not to but they’re an adult 🤷‍♀️

I think it's fair. They have different needs and will need different support throughout their lives.

My situation is similar in that I didn't go away to uni (attended the one in the city I'm from) but DB moved away.
I had no financial support from my parents, I worked alongside my degree, but didn't pay keep, I paid for bits and pieces instead, including the food shop every couple of weeks. My parents financially supported DB to the tune of his phone bill, shopping money, extra cash if he asked etc as he chose not to work.

When dh and I bought our first home, my parents bought stuff for the house as gifts, when we had ds, they bought his cot for us.

The way I see it, we've had different support needs at different points in our lives, but we're treated fairly just differently.

I also hate being given money, I would rather my parents purchase something. Can't tell you why, I don't know.

I know child 1 is going to give youngest a bung of money for uni - I’ve told them not to but they’re an adult.

Aw, that's very sweet and shows you've raised them well.

Hello, I would like to think that fair and equal are different. You have been fair to both DC. The requirements/circumstances for both are different do need to be assessed in that way. So, you have done what is fair and right in both situations.

As pp, I saw this recently and thought it was a perfect example of your fair and equal differ.

How, not your.

I didn’t mean to have voting.

Could someone who thinks I’m being unfair explain why?

You are being fair. We have two adult DSs, both went to Uni. One was a long way away, the other was closer, so costs were different.
The eldest passed his driving test first and got help with a car, travelled first, married first, bought a house first, all helped by us.
The youngest didn’t want anything till he was buying a house, he got more help than his brother.
It’s swings and roundabouts and matching needs.

I don’t think you’re being unfair you’re helping out your kids as they need it ,
These things have a way of working themselves out for example DC1 might get married and you contribute to a wedding. Youngest might never marry but need more help with a house or childcare or car
It’s not like you gave one thousands to attend a college of their choice and gave the other nothing

You are not being unfair; you are providing both of them with a university education. You should be proud of yourself.

You should also be proud for raising a lovely child that wants to help out their sibling.

Not unfair at all. All dc need different levels of support.
I also find its swings and roundabouts as lives change

Your oldest clearly isn't resentful if they're going to be helping out their sibling.
You're treating them equally, supporting them to get through uni and be independent after. The bottom line numbers don't matter.

its not about giving them exactly the same its about giving them what they need at the time. Both mine are at uni now. The first had help in his first year because we had more income and he had less loans. The second gets less help as our income has dropped but he has higher loan to cover that. They both get the same in terms of time and 'treats'.

But we have made sure they both have access to the same opportunities.

I've always told my boys they can have what i have if i have it to give at the time they need it. They are grateful and accept that it might not always be the same for both.

You are being fair.

And your oldest child is really a lovely sibling.