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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do I need to give my children the same

43 replies

Noneformethanks · 24/08/2020 08:20

Not a taat but I just read a thread about making a difference between children and it’s made me think.

Dc went to uni but was able to live with a family member and had no accommodation costs. They also took food from here every weekend and I did their washing. I supported them to the tune of £30 a week and due to my Very low income they got full loans and grants. Now graduated and earning well.

Youngest DC due to go to uni this year living away from home. Still getting full loans and grants but I’m giving them a lump Sum of £200/250 to get bits for their room at uni and will give them £50 a week.

Am I being unfair?

OP posts:
Armychefbethebest · 24/08/2020 12:03

My eldest 2 used to get quite a lot when they were younger and then I had my younger 2 and we had to spread things a little evenly between the we had a rough few year and didnt have a lot and now the younger 2 are the only ones at home and we have a good income again so they obviously get more , dont be too hard on yourself my older ones knew I did the very best I could and I'm sure your DC will see it that way as well x

ErickBroch · 24/08/2020 12:12

This entire debate is insane. My brother has been bought many things by my parents that I never got (car, expensive clothes, phones) and i don't give a monkeys. Not everything has to be completely equal.

Thisismytimetoshine · 24/08/2020 12:14

Fair doesn't always mean equal.

Lweji · 24/08/2020 12:19

You support both during uni. That's what's important.
It's different circumstances, so it's hard to be equal. But they are both going, and their overall costs may be different.

Eventually, you may support them through children, marriages, whatever, so I wouldn't worry about being equal bit by bit, just fair overall.

c24680 · 24/08/2020 12:20

Youre not being unfair, your younger child is in a different situation, I'm sure they're old enough to understand the different circumstances.

£50 is a good amount for a student living in student accommodation, at least you'll know she'll have that a week so she won't go without.

Original poster
Noneformethanks · 24/08/2020 12:22

That’s the idea. At least she can get food. And it’ll be every week not termly for that reason.

OP posts:
netflixismysidehustle · 24/08/2020 12:22

No you're not unfair. They have different needs and £30 plus washing and food could easily be £50 worth of help

TheOrigBrave · 24/08/2020 12:29

I have 10 years between my two sons. Apart from the age difference and thus there being a long period of time between each of them going through school, driving lessons, sports etc, I have also become a single mother.

I believe in treating them fairly, but not necessarily equally.

My older son is in a band and passionate about his electric guitars. My younger son is mad about football (playing and watching).
For sure, I know I will spend more on DS1's interest than DS2's but I am supporting their interests to the same degree.

My older son was able to attend private 6th form. It was the right thing for him, and I was able to fund it. It might not be the right thing for DS2, but I won't spend the same amount of £ on something else 'just because'.

Cheeseandwin5 · 24/08/2020 12:34

I agree with others, in this case its not the amount you are giving but what you are paying for.
For both you are giving additional cash for them to be able to progress with their studies more easily.
That said if the DC1 feels they scrimped and saved to make your life easier, forgoing the student lifestyle and fun, they may feel put out to see the DC2 benefiting by ( what DC1 may deem) a selfish attitude.

Disfordarkchocolate · 24/08/2020 12:36

Fair and equal are not the same. You are doing fine.

Original poster
Noneformethanks · 24/08/2020 13:39

@Cheeseandwin5

I agree with others, in this case its not the amount you are giving but what you are paying for. For both you are giving additional cash for them to be able to progress with their studies more easily. That said if the DC1 feels they scrimped and saved to make your life easier, forgoing the student lifestyle and fun, they may feel put out to see the DC2 benefiting by ( what DC1 may deem) a selfish attitude.
They don’t. They got all their washing done and groceries every week and their lodgings were provided free with all bills included. I also paid their phone.

And they didn’t scrimp and save to make my life easier - they worked part time while studying (younger dc also works part time and will look for a job once at uni)

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 24/08/2020 15:17

As regards money for savings/ house deposits the kids will get the same through a mixture of ne and my dad sorting this
As regards uni, they have the full loan and bursary. The youngest may not go though. I need to think how to make board fair because I dont take anything from dds during uni holidays
As regards extra curricular , the dds have had way more spent on them. I have however paid for a bike for DS as a form of exercise and got him the odd computer game as that was how he had his downtime. They also had Brownie camps and a foreign school.trip he wont have. No idea how to make that fair !!

ILoveFood87 · 25/08/2020 00:13

Yes you are.

Original poster
Noneformethanks · 25/08/2020 00:32

@ILoveFood87

Yes you are.
Why?
OP posts:
Original poster
Noneformethanks · 25/08/2020 00:32

Can you explain?

OP posts:
Mincingfuckdragon2 · 25/08/2020 01:33

It's fine OP. The fact your eldest is also contributing is heart-warming.

I am the oldest of many - there's a 15 year gap between me and youngest. When I went to uni my parents had very little money so I supported myself. When my younger siblings went to uni my parents had a bit more spare cash. My parents were usually scrupulously 'fair' ie even handed but they gave my siblings a little money when they were at uni so that my siblings didn't have to work so much - as my parents knew working to support myself had affected my grades a bit.

I'm happy for my siblings and have never felt hard done by - my parents did the best they could for all of us at the time. The fact they are otherwise always even handed - as I suspect you are OP - also helped I think.

SomeHalfHumanCreatureThing · 25/08/2020 01:48

My parents used to be 'fair' to a fault. Which meant I'd get money spent on me because of school trips/equipment/university costs, and my sibling would get the same amount given to them even though they left school at 16, were working, and still living at home. Everything was money centric, ahd they couldn't see that different situations warranted different support.

Bloodybridget · 25/08/2020 01:52

My DM had a friend towards the end of her life who worked out to the penny what she spent on presents for her two DDs - who were of course well into middle age - and would spend ages figuring out what she could buy DD1 for, say, 43p to make it 'fair'!

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