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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find DP's friend overbearing

28 replies

FlyingFrisbee · 23/08/2020 16:50

Name changed for this one to be on the safe side.

My live-in DP has a friend, let's call him Dave, who has been texting him most days during lockdown, at what seems like an increasing rate. He was texting before lockdown, but it has become more noticeable (for DP and myself) during lockdown. A few months ago they would have a bit of banter and talk about the novelty of lockdown, but now Dave is sending very similar opening texts every day or every other day. DP is getting a bit tired of it, to the point I am beginning to become irritated as well.

DP sometimes takes ages to reply and has tried talking about things he knows Dave has little interest in, but that doesn't seem to make any difference.

AIBU to think Dave is a bit overbearing, and do you have any tips for reducing the frequency of texts without being brutally blunt?

OP posts:
Original poster
FlyingFrisbee · 23/08/2020 17:03

I know there are worse things going on, but it feels it will go on indefinitely.

OP posts:
Ludo19 · 23/08/2020 17:16

Your partner needs to tell "Dave" to fuck right off I'm afraid

JudgeRindersMinder · 23/08/2020 17:17

Rather than taking ages to reply, just don’t reply

Dugsbollox · 23/08/2020 17:21

Does Dave live alone, is he lonely?

I'd find that really difficult too, in all honesty. When I had someone similar in my life I had to be consistent in when I would reply. So no all day texting, no replying immediately. If it was happening now, I'd make it clear to a friend that I was busy/having some quiet time away from my phone/spending the day with my family and no tech. I think the key thing is to pick your stance and stick to it.

katy1213 · 23/08/2020 17:22

IT's easy to bring this down to a level that's acceptable. Just reply once a week - once a month - never - and give Dave the amount of space in your life that you want him to have. Although I imagine your tolerance for Dave is somewhat less than your boyfriend's.
Surely Dave will be back at work soon? And the pubs are open.

WitchesGlove · 23/08/2020 17:26

Has Dave always been like this (no boundaries etc)?

It’s quite hard to make people like this realise that they are being annoying.

Ultimately, it’s up to your DH if he still wants him as a friend or not though.

minicat · 23/08/2020 17:31

Mute, and reply less.

You can’t control other people, only yourself - ie your DP needs to change, not expect his friend to. he doesn’t need to ask for boundaries - he just needs to decide to have some.

BaconsLaw · 23/08/2020 17:35

You're getting annoyed because someone is texting your partner?

I can understand the recipient finding it a bit much but how is it impacting your life in anyway?

Original poster
FlyingFrisbee · 23/08/2020 17:41

@WitchesGlove They have only known each other a year, but he has mentioned it previously, pre-lockdown.

@Dugsbollox I think he is a bit lonely tbh, bit does have some other friends. He is unemployed as well, and not a regular visitor to pubs as far as I know.

OP posts:
Original poster
FlyingFrisbee · 23/08/2020 17:46

@BaconsLaw It affects me slightly if DP is getting gradually more fed up.

OP posts:
Original poster
FlyingFrisbee · 23/08/2020 18:04

Sorry, just realised it was @katy1213 who mentioned the pubs.

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Penguinnn · 23/08/2020 18:12

Why does it bother you? I can see why it would bother your DP

pinkyredrose · 23/08/2020 18:16

it's normal to text your friends, why is your DP getting pissed off?

BaconsLaw · 23/08/2020 18:16

Just tell your partner you're sick of hearing about Dave. You're trying to make this your issue when it really isn't.

Gettingthereslowly2020 · 23/08/2020 18:17

Maybe your DP could reply to his message once a day in the evening perhaps and not engage in a full on conversation. If his friend is lonely then maybe he could make more of an effort to meet up with him in person, such as going for a walk or meeting for a meal once a month.

Ghostoast · 23/08/2020 18:19

This makes me feel awkward as i text my friend a few times a day..

katy1213 · 23/08/2020 18:21

I agree Dave needs to be nudged out before he becomes a friend of the family! Don't offer food whatever you do!

dwiz8 · 23/08/2020 18:24

Yabu

So what if his friend texts him daily. It's not like he is wanting to come over daily. Not sure any of my friends don't message me at least once or twice a day tbh and this is no different

He is lonely, and obviously wants to chat. Your DP is a shit friend for only wanting to talk to a friend once a week tbh

Original poster
FlyingFrisbee · 23/08/2020 18:26

@Ghostoast - I'm sorry, I don't mean to.

The issue really from what DP has said is that Dave is not a close friend, but seems to think he is. DP has closer and much more long-standing friends who he hears from less frequently.

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Beautiful3 · 23/08/2020 18:28

Let your partner deal with him. He could be lonely?

Original poster
FlyingFrisbee · 23/08/2020 18:34

He is a bit lonely, which I do sympathise with, but they do have a few mutual friends and DP is reasonably certain he doesn't text any of them half as often.

DP had another vaguely similar but somewhat older friend like this a few years ago and he pretty much used him as someone to unload to for a while, then pretty much ghosted him for no apparent reason.

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dwiz8 · 23/08/2020 18:35

@FlyingFrisbee

He is a bit lonely, which I do sympathise with, but they do have a few mutual friends and DP is reasonably certain he doesn't text any of them half as often.

DP had another vaguely similar but somewhat older friend like this a few years ago and he pretty much used him as someone to unload to for a while, then pretty much ghosted him for no apparent reason.

Just because your DPs other friends only message once every so often doesn't make Dave unreasonable

Many people message their friends regularly. I would argue they're not a true friend if the only bother messaging once a week

YABU to be annoyed about it because it doesn't effect you at all

And your DP is a dick too

Chamomileteaplease · 23/08/2020 19:11

I don't know why people are being shitty to you OP.

Firstly I would tell your dp that you don't want to hear about any more texts from Dave.

Then advise your dp, as others have said, to mute the texts. Read them when he wants to and reply maybe every other evening. So that Dave realises that your dp is not into text chatting.

What kind of friendship does your dp want with this guy? Meeting up occasionally? Steer him towards what he wants to do. If that is texting once a week then your dp has every right to only text once a week.

Original poster
FlyingFrisbee · 23/08/2020 19:31

Thank you Chamomile. There is slightly more to the story which I don't want to put online, as Dave or someone who knew him might recognise himself if they saw it. I will explain more to you via DM if you were particularly curious.

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Inaseagull · 23/08/2020 19:43

I don't see why you are getting a hard time either. Just ignore the goady posters. You have asked for advice on how to reduce contact, which is perfectly understandable.