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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

OH and weed

26 replies

NoRoomInBed · 23/08/2020 08:36

Been together for 12 years next month. 3 kids 11,3 and 1. I found out yesterday hes been smoking weed almost constantly behind my back. Hes going into work stoned. Being around the kids stoned. I kept smelling it on the sofa and hes calling me crazy or that it must be next door (he does smoke it too). I'm not dead against weed but I don't agree with it when it comes to kids. What if his work finds out and he loses his job? Hes putting everything at risk for no reason. This has been going on since April.

Do I give him a chance to come clean and work from there?
Or AIBU to LTB?

I cant even believe I'm writing this....

OP posts:
LastRoloIsMine · 23/08/2020 08:46

You need to ask him if weed is his priority or his family and give him the opportunity to make that decision then you can decide what you do from that point.

I hate the stuff too. Currant partner smoked it daily when I first met him. I was at the time not bothered by it but i soon noticed he constantly smelled of it and it makes me heave. He only smoked it in the evening so it didn't affect work/driving but it did seem to be very much a priority to him.
In the end his dealer moved and he didn't smoke it for a few weeks. There was a huge difference in him. His motivation increased, conversation improved and because he couldn't get it he soon got used to not having it.

We had a chat and he agreed he saw a positive difference in himself when weed free so he stopped. That was 6 years ago.

I hope he makes the right decision OP.

Original poster
NoRoomInBed · 23/08/2020 08:48

Thank you 😊 just seems so much like teenage drama.

OP posts:
Daleksatemyshed · 23/08/2020 08:55

That's so difficult, everyone's nerves are on edge with Covid so maybe this is your DP's way of coping but it can't go on, can it? He could lose his job, if he takes the car then he could be done for driving under the influence and how can you trust him with the DC. You need to have a very serious talk about cutting right down on the weed with a view to stopping. I know some people see no harm in it but he's smoking far too much. Good luck

Original poster
NoRoomInBed · 23/08/2020 09:14

It's just the lying and sneaking that's winding me up the most. 12 fucking years of my life and hes sneaking around like that. Calling me crazy for smelling it.

OP posts:
FiligreePot · 23/08/2020 09:29

Weed would be a deal breaker for me. I’ve seen what it does long term. The lying also would.
A 12 year lie/habit is going to be hard to break, especially if he only decides to break it because he was caught.

premiumshoes · 23/08/2020 09:33

The fact that he hasn't smoked weed until 12 years in to your marriage throws up so many questions. I don't tolerate drugs and would never get with someone who used them but if my DH started using randomly I would certainly be looking to find out why and help him fix it out.

Original poster
NoRoomInBed · 23/08/2020 09:45

Hes dabbled when a teenager. I think it's a friends influence. He grows it and smokes it constantly (newish friend). Another friend smokes it at the weekends too and hes meeting up with her. Fyi shes a lesbian so doubt anything is going on there.

OP posts:
Marlouse · 23/08/2020 09:47

So he’s been trying to convince you you have been crazy for smelling it, although you were actually right. I would be very, very angry about that.

Anyone taking care of my children stoned, even if it’s the father, that would be a dealbreaker. I would never trust that person ever again.
Taking care of a one year old after you’ve been smoking weed. That’s just mental.

Biggest problem here is that if you LTB he will have the kids on his own some of the time (while he is stoned) and you will not be there to supervice. Horrible situation.

Original poster
NoRoomInBed · 23/08/2020 10:01

Yeah that's another worry. I cant trust him with the kids at all now.

OP posts:
Shizzlestix · 23/08/2020 10:35

The lying, gaslighting and sneaking round would make me lose all respect and desire to be in a relationship. I’d have the ick.

Mischance · 23/08/2020 10:38

"Constantly" is not acceptable and will cloud his judgement when driving and looking after the children.

RoadworksAgain · 23/08/2020 10:40

I'm not against the occasional spliff, plenty of people use it like some people have a glass of wine or two on Friday night after work to relax...

But the lying, calling you crazy, going into work and being around the kids permanently stoned, would be a dealbreaker for me.

Original poster
NoRoomInBed · 23/08/2020 10:45

Yes exactly the sneaking and lying is what's done it mainly for me. Plus being like that around the kids.

OP posts:
YouJustDoYou · 23/08/2020 10:46

But the lying, calling you crazy, going into work and being around the kids permanently stoned, would be a dealbreaker for me

This. Fuck that. What a waste.

Backtobasics5 · 23/08/2020 10:48

I’m not sure what to suggest. What are you expecting OP once you have the truth? Are you wanting your partner to stop smoking completely? Or just around the kids and not when he has to go work.

Original poster
NoRoomInBed · 23/08/2020 11:13

I wouldn't mind if he did it like once a blue moon at a mates socially.

OP posts:
madcatladyforever · 23/08/2020 11:15

Is he an adult or a teenager, pathetic. He should grow up.

Original poster
NoRoomInBed · 23/08/2020 11:59

Seems the toddler is more mature

OP posts:
Original poster
NoRoomInBed · 23/08/2020 12:14

And now theres naked pics ffs that's it I'm done. Time to walk away. Wow 12 years of my life im never getting back

OP posts:
mummymeister · 23/08/2020 12:21

dont walk without a plan. be calm and make sure you have all the bits of paper and information you need. at least you have found out whats going on so you know its time to act rather than worrying about if you are doing the right thing. get some support IRL.

AlexaShutUp · 23/08/2020 12:24

It would be a deadbreaker for me, I'm afraid. Not least because the smell makes me feel really, really sick! But also because of the long term impact on mental health and the fact that he has been lying about it to you.

Marshmallow91 · 23/08/2020 12:27

How did you find out about naked pics? Is it someone he knows?

Marshmallow91 · 23/08/2020 12:28

And handhold from me OP, this must be such a horrible situation to be in. But at least now you have your answer on what to do Flowers

Original poster
NoRoomInBed · 23/08/2020 12:33

He sent the screen shots to a friend. It's some random from facebook.

OP posts:
LastRoloIsMine · 23/08/2020 22:11

Thats escalated quickly...

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