I can't pull myself together

[Arabellaoox]

I've been trying for three months now too snap out of how I feel. I feel like I'm in a situation I can't cope with and looking forward I'm just so worried.

My child started school last year. I have a school a perfect five minute walk from my home. It was always going to be the school I sent her too until I found out my ex had a child there and his other would be in DD class. I lived with this bloke for a while in my early 20s. It was an unhappy few years. . We started buying a home then I found out lots of things about him. He was cheating. The signs were all there looking back. I knew deep down, but hoped he would change. He got me pregnant at 18 and not one person would talk to me about it. I had nobody. I cried in bed for a month at the time and had terrible sickness. I was living at home at this point. My parents stopped talking to me. my boyfriend was 21 and said he wasn't ready for a baby. His mum was a nurse and never spoke to me about it. At ten weeks I had an abortion because I just felt broken. Afterwards his mum looked after me for the afternoon and I was then driven home and left to cope alone. When I was 21 and he was 24 we finally split through him cheating and lying to me all the time. He had a new women within a week and they are now married with children. My parents thought I was stupid not wanting to use the local school but I just don't want to spend the next ten years seeing them and one day my daughter would potentially be at a party or befriend his child. Which is fine by me in regards to the child, but the thought of awkwardness with them just put me off. I don't know what he's told her about that time and I fear her thoughts and what she could say to other people. I came home from work after wed split and they were upstairs in my bedroom and I wasn't happy as you can imagine. So the last time I saw her it wasn't pleasant.

So to the point. I walk my daughter to a school 25 minutes away (just over a mile) it's a great school. We've coped fine. I have never regretted it. Until lockdown. But now my mind has spiralled. I have anxiety for the first time in my life. I feel a range of things from day to day. It's this feeling of there is no way I can do the school runs. It's suddenly too far. It's too much. I always feel sick. Or I have a headache. Or my muscles ache. Or my periods heavy. Even though I know it's lockdown. I've stopped my usual routine since march. I've lost my energy. I've lost my body clock.

Everyday I'm worried about September. Since June I've been awake all night sometimes thinking what do I do. How do I get going again. I've spoken to the gp but there's nothing really he can do. It's so silly. I do go for walks but only once a day for about 1.5 miles. On average 3-4 times a week. I keep walking past the nearest school as it's on my road with my kids and thinking what would my life be like now if they hadn't sent their children there. There's 9 primary schools here and they live in a village just on the outskirts. I'm sure they didn't give it much thought but they both know I still live in the house near the school. I appreciate this probably sounds childish but I was surprised they'd want to use the school near me in the sense they both lived in villages outside of the town and apart from the time he lived with me, neither of them have lived near me.

I know how I feel is my own problem and not there's. It's new feelings. My main concern is what do I do. My partner's having a week off when she first goes back. But I'm so exhausted physically and mentally. I don't know how to become me again. I sometimes have thought I wish I could move her to the nearest school for my mental health. But then she loves her school and so do I. I just wish I hadn't become the person I have. I really miss who I was at the start of the year.

Your mum was right. You should have sent your child to your local school. I doubt your ex or his wife think about you at all.

RedHelenB that was unnecessarily harsh, and really unhelpful. OP is clearly struggling with anxiety, and has admitted so, try being kinder.

OP lockdown has been tough on so many people, and things that wouldn’t phase them before have now become bigger, just because we’ve had nothing to do but sit and replay things in our heads. It’s absolutely ok to admit to struggling, and I think you’re doing the right thing by vocalising it and trying to resolve it. FWIW I’m not sure moving your dd to the closer school would help, I think it may add another dimension to your anxiety as you’d be worried about seeing your ex and his new wife. I’d say start the new term, see how things go with the school run, you may find it’s the thought of it that’s worse than the actual thing, and that slowly getting back into it may help.

Good luck.

OP, it's clear your mental health isn't good. All the rest of this - the ex, your daughter's school, the walk, the physical symptoms - are just manifestations of this. Go to the doctor, explain how anxious and depressed you are, and ask for help. Focus on how you are feeling, not all the stuff about school. If you can afford it, have counselling privately because you'll wait ages on the NHS. In terms of your child going back to school, just take it one day at a time, one minute at a time if that's easier. Don't worry about tomorrow, next week, next month, just focus on what you need to do that day. Nothing more. Best of luck.

It seems you both have moved on. That was your past and you did nothing wrong to him. You should not be the one feeling bad and tormenting yourself with these thoughts. Can you reapply to the school close to you again? Hopefully this time at least your child won't be allocated to the same class as their child? If the school is big enough and the children are not in the same class, you'd probably won't bump into them too often.

Go back to your GP, this is your anxiety talking xx And can you practice the walk to school again before the start of term to show yourself you can do it?

@RedHelenB

Your mum was right. You should have sent your child to your local school. I doubt your ex or his wife think about you at all.

Why so nasty?

Op I agree with the pp this is anxiety talking as you know it's not rational. I know (my god I know) anxiety is a horrible crippling thing to have but you do need help. Medication or some sort of counselling / therapeutic service. I'd strongly urge you to back & see a different GP. Be kind to yourself x

The gp said the waiting list is very long and that he doesn't want meds to be my first line as he said they are short term and have side effects.

Thanks for the replies.

Hi yes I keep planning to do the walk but the symptoms make me struggle. I seem to be doing a mile on average. But I end up so weak and anxious or my neck muscles start getting tight and lead to headaches. I do need to build back up but it seems so hard and draining if that makes sense. I have kalms in the cupboard but not sure if they will help or give me more side effects.

I really think the close school/far away school issue is a red herring. The armchair psychiatrist in me (totally unqualified) would say you're suffering from anxiety and/or depression brought on by lockdown and your brain has chosen to focus on this issue. If you'd been having these thoughts about the school before, I'd have different advice, but I don't think moving her at the moment will help.

When you actually start doing the school runs (next week?) and realise they're not bad at all, it might help you but if it doesn't, you really have to phone your GP about this. Trying to 'snap out of it' isn't terribly successful. I would imagine either a course of ADs might help, or CBT.

Op, your level of worry and distress is unusually high. I can understand why, but I think you need a bit of help with it. When you went to the doctor were you brutally honest? Or did you minimise a bit (as we all do from time to time). I think you need to go back to the doctor and describe where you are on your absolute worst days, dont sugar coat it, be utterly honest. And ask for help, whether that be a referral to counselling, or medication. You may also be able to self refer to IAPT, or something similar, talking therapy by phone initially.

When the term starts again, you will obviously have to get your child to school each day, and once you get back into the routine of it I suspect you will feel better. And if you are happy with the school and what it does for your child, then focus on that. A 25 minute walk to school sounds wonderful, she and you are getting exercise and fresh air every day, and time together, and that will also help you feel better.

Ask for help from the doctor, focus on the positives, and try not to dwell on the past too much. Recognise that it has shaped who you are now, but that it is done and can't be changed. Good luck op, I hope you feel better soon.

Would you consider online CBT, even if you had to pay for it?

RedHelenB why would you be so nasty when the OP explicitly said she's suffering with anxiety? Dickhead move.

Sorry you're having a hard time OP. If your partner has the first school week off why don't you do the school run together? Ease yourself back in to it with him there for support. Hopefully once you've got back into the swing of things your worries will ease. If not and you still feel you can't cope, I'd second what pps have said and would return to the GP for some more help.

Oh and please don't think you should be able to just snap out of this, you wouldn't expect to snap out of a physical injury or illness, and a mental health problem is just the same. If the doctor is unhelpful, look at self referral, or mental health charities like Mind, to see what support they might be able to offer you, or ask to see a different doctor. Waiting lists might be long but you will never get to the top of the list if you are not even on it! One of the great ironies of dealing with depression and anxiety is that you have to be pushy and determined to get the treatment you need, yet depression makes that even more difficult than usual.

Oh OP it does sound like anxiety. Hopefully once you get back into the routine of school it will help. Agree with pp that you need to keep pushing with your GP.

Here is the link for IAPT, put your postcode in and it will give you services in your area and whether you can self refer. www.nhs.uk/service-search/other-services/Psychological%20therapies%20%28IAPT%29/LocationSearch/10008#

How about getting into school routine now ?
Get up as if you’re going to school, go for a walk to school and back, have tea at the usual tea-time.

I think the walk to school sounds like something you desperately need! Exercise, fresh air, being out the house.

You can have a lovely stroll and chat with your daughter one way, and get a nice podcast to listen to on the way back. If finances allow, why not get a wee takeaway coffee sometimes too for the walk back (or take one with you from home).

It might be a bit tiring at first, but you’ll soon build back up to it.

There is something your GP can do, he can give you antidepressants if you want to try them.
My DH had them and CBT but it was the antidepressants that helped. If this situation is stopping you doing you life then I really would consider them.
It’s your choice.

I don’t understand why the GP wouldn’t want to try anti-depressants - they have been hugely helpful as a short-term solution whilst I waited to get therapy for me and side effects don’t tend to last past the first week or two.

I would go back to your GP, explain how bad the anxiety and low-mood have gotten, and insist on not leaving the appointment until s/he can offer you some help.

As stated above, your problem is clearly anxiety, even the way you massively over think scenarios regarding the closer school spell out anxiety, I spend my whole life over analysing every situation, you will eventually learn what rational and irrational, but you need help first.

Dont fear anti depressants, I've taken them when my anxiety got to the point i couldnt cope, and my partner is currently taking some and they have given her a new lease of life, literally changed her life.
Yes the CAN give you side effects, some are literally little quirks, but no side effect can be worse than the fact your life is unbearable at the point, anxiety is even trying to stop you taking those.
Personally wasnt a fan of counselling, but it's certainly worth trying although that can have very long waiting lists.

Go and see another gp and get yourself on a course of tablets, your life doesnt have to feel the way it does right now.

OP, it's totally normal to feel apprehensive about doing something you used to do without a thought when you had a break for some time.

I felt like this, as most do after each my pregnancy and going back to work.

The reality is you do get back into the habit in mo times and then wonder why you wasted so much energy worrying about it.

Don't act in a way to escape what you are worried about, this will start a vicious circle of avoidance that will increase your anxiety.

Tell yourself that it's normal to feel as you do and everything will be ok. Plan the first day so it goes as smoothly as possible. By the end of the week, it will all feel normal again.

Forget about your ex, it's irrelevant. You've picked that school and your child is happy there, that's all that matters.

As PPs have said, the school issue is just a manifestation of all your anxiety; you need help from the GP. Go back and tell them that you need anti-depressants. I really can't understand why your dr didnt prescribe them in the first place. Ask to see a different gp if necessary.

I think the thing to do is:
Start making your daily walk to the school instead of elsewhere
Move your walk to earlier each day until it's at school starting time.
Take your phone and listen in one was to something distracting
At night try to get used to sleeping to something like white noise or sea. The last one is so ridiculously simple that I dismissed it but after making myself do it for 10 days I now sleep 7 hours.

When you start ruminating over school choice, say to yourself "this is an irrational line of thought"
And also, your decision was fine and nobody else's business. No one has to live your life so can't comment on it.